Actual Letter to the Editor in the Economist

"There is an error of fact in your special report. Adam and Eve did not meet '6,003 years ago.' The world was created in 4,004 BC. It may have failed to come to an end after 6,000 years in 1996, but the date of creation never budged. The mother and father of all of us actually met 6,011 years ago. Archbishop Ussher wrote it, I believe it, that settles it." Bud Whitebook, Washington, DC.



I cannot express how much this letter terrifies me. And he lives in my own city, no less.

The Onion

My favorite thing about the Onion coming to DC?

It's not that I can read it, because I don't really. It's not even that I won Renaissance Faire tickets from them. It's that I can't get over how funny it is to see really stuffy businessmen and women reading it. Sitting there on the metro with their Burberry trenchcoats and their Blackberries...reading about the Sears tower being covered in jell-o or about a daring rescue of American Apparel models.

I love it.

Female Military Leaders? ....no

We got a press release about how science fiction is cool. Wtf number one. Wtf number two: since when is the idea of "female military leaders" science fiction?

Science Fiction: How the Cult Became Mainstream

Who would have thought that the geek in the corner reading about aliens attacking the world in 2080 AD could be holding one of the most lucrative pieces of literature in today’s marketplace? Although many may laugh at fans of science fiction, little do they know of the power of science fiction as an industry.

John Ringo, respected science fiction authority and best-selling author, reveals the hidden facts that describe the popularity of the industry. “The science fiction genre is such a wildly popular genre that it generates over 200 MILLION dollars a year in book sales."

So the question remains: how has science fiction evolved from the pinnacle of geekdom to such a booming industry? The answer is simple: it predicts the future of today’s hot-button issues. Before society’s view of the future was one of a far off era, but today it seems within reach.

“Today, science fiction stories featuring the consequences of humankind’s destruction of the environment or the role of female military leaders are truly signs of our time. They are a fictional but realistic extrapolation of issues that impact ours and future generations,” says Ringo.

Damn it, Fall

I always used to complain that New York weather was erratic and unpredictable...little did I know DC was no better. What is this, October? Why was it 90 like two days ago and why is it now 60 damn degrees and I'm cowering under my blankets while wearing a hoodie? Why!!

Free Boob Jobs!

The Australian military always sends us press releases, and they're always ridiculous. This one is particularly good.

DEFENCE REFUTES SPECULATION ON SURGERY FOR COSMETIC PURPOSES

The Australian Defence Force’s senior medical officer today refuted claims that personnel were using their medical entitlements to undergo surgery purely for cosmetic reasons.

Air Vice Marshal Tony Austin, the Head of Defence Health Services, said, "To say, as some in the media have, that ADF personnel can have surgery paid for purely for cosmetic reasons or to look ‘sexy’ is wrong. This demeans our people and makes light of the serious nature of some medical and psychological conditions. It also unfairly questions the ethics of the doctors recommending these procedures."

Air Vice Marshal Austin outlined a hypothetical situation where cosmetic surgery may be legitimately required.

"For example, if a female joined the ADF with a condition such as severe breast asymmetry, this may prove to be an issue for day to day activities such as wearing body armour or combat webbing. In this instance and following medical recommendation, Defence may consider augmentation or reconstruction through surgery to ensure that the individual can work to their full potential.

Business Trip or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Kentucky

Our magazine is printed in Shepherdsville, Kentucky. It is supposedly beneficial for us to go down there to learn what they do, so off Danielle and I went for 3 crazy days of southern exposure.

Sunday:

11:45 AM: I wake up.

12:00 PM: I start packing.

1:00 PM: I arrive at the airport (I now love National).

1:30 PM: We catch the bus to take us to our tiny plane.

1:50 PM: Lady traveling alone agrees to switch to a different window seat one row up so we can sit together--is still nasty about it.

3:25 PM: We are picked up by "Starla" and "Cheryl" (complete with big hair and green eyeshadow up to the brows).

4:00 PM: We arrive at Caesar's Indiana, second largest riverboat casino in the United States. Also a contender for saddest place in the United States.

5:30 PM: After losing most of our money to ATM fees, secondhandedly smoking roughly half a pack, and seeing an old lady play two slot machines at once, we are ready to move on.

6:00 PM: Arrive in downtown Louisville, via sketch part of town. Drive around and see several posters of Colonel Sanders on lamp posts.

6:15 PM: Arrive at the Hard Rock Cafe: Louisville.

6:30 PM: Begin eating cheese topped with cheese while listening to the likes of Robbie Williams and Dave Matthews band. Drink a giant cocktail called a Tropical Colada (a pina colada with midori) because a) it's free b) it's possibly the most ridiculous thing I could order c) it comes with a free Hard Rock hurricane glass d) obviously, I need a drink by now.

6:40 PM: Starla tells us about how they give numbers to their magazine clients and we're "Customer Number Three!!" Little did we then know that we would hear this probably about 50 times from everyone that we met.

6:45 PM: Hear about how Starla's niece wanted to come meet us today, and Starla got nervous because of course she couldn't tell her where we were going. Niece's response: "Aunt Starla! Are you going somewhere Jesus wouldn't approve??"

7:10 PM: Get to see Cheryl's son's Christian Rock band album cover.

7:30 PM: Get to listen to Cheryl's son's Christian Rock band's cd while driving to the hotel.

7:45 PM: Hear possibly my favorite story ever about how Cheryl's son got a tattoo of Jesus, but his friends thought it was too small and he "needed to get some tribal around it." He then got the tribal in red, and when he showed it to his mom she said, "Why is Jesus in Hell?"

8:00 PM: Check into the hotel and commence watching an entire night of VH1.

Monday:

6:40 AM: Wake up entirely too early for my own good.

8:15 AM: Stop at McDonald's on our way to the printer so Starla can get a Coke. (Danielle had not believed me that they do that here).

8:20 AM: We pass "The Most Awesome Flea Market and Hickory Smoked Pit Barbecue." I see that if I were willing to ford the creek behind our hotel I could walk to it. Make a mental note to consider it that night.

8:30 AM: Meet our fellow students from other magazines "Apaloosa Horse" and "GX: the Guard Experience," based in Idaho and Nashville, respectively.

8:45 AM: I am bored out of my mind and desperately trying not to fall asleep.

11:45 AM: The ink tester presenter guy lets us play with his ink samples by spreading and mixing them on the table. I make a sweet ass purple, get it all over my hands, and have to be escorted out for a cleaning with their industrial-strength soy-based cleaner, making everyone else wait for me. It still rules.

3:30 PM: Wake up from my I-haven't-taken-a-class-since-2005-and-was-not-at-all-prepared-for-this-day stupor. Realize that everyone else has been collected by their liaison person and Starla is nowhere to be found.

4:45 PM: Starla finally packs us into the car. I am pissed because the Jim Beam distillery visitor's center closed at 4:30.

5:00 PM: We go to the Jim Beam distillery anyway and drive around, seeing his house and stacks of whiskey barrels. ....It still rules.

5:20 PM: Man from some financial analysis magazine who is also one of Starla's clients mentions that his magazine is based in Charlottesville and is always hiring. Danielle's boyfriend currently lives in Charlottesville. I threaten suicide if she leaves me to fend for myself at the magazine.

5:30 PM: We arrive at the Outback.

5:40 PM: Printer people joke that one of the other customer service guys always takes clients to this pit barbecue place where everything is served on styrofoam plates and there's a roll of paper towels in the middle of the table and how that's such a crazy thing to do. ....I fume at the unfairness of it all.

5:45 PM: Starla tells us about a fantastic book she found on an inspirational rack in an airport and she's read five times. It's called the Traveler's Gift. I struggle to keep a straight face as she describes the book that my sister once spent an entire Albany to New York train ride bashing because it is about a guy who tries to kill himself, then Jesus sends him back in time and he meets different historical figures who give him various obvious/stupid pieces of advice, including historical figures who are completely wrong (Columbus, for instance, talks about how he's not going to give up on his attempt to discover America). He then wakes up and realizes he has to have Jesus in his life and become a motivational speaker...just like the author, "Andy Andrews"...if that is his real name. Check out the Amazon reviews to see how much people love it.

6:30 PM: I think I have gained roughly 8 pounds.

8:00 PM: We recover enough to walk over to "Kart Kountry," home of the world's longest go kart track. We are not yet well enough to do go karts, but we do manage a rockin game of mini golf, complete with TWO holes in one and a relatively minimal amount of swearing. No breaking of clubs or falling in water this time.

Tuesday:

8:15 AM: Starla comes to pick us up. Apparently, while I'm up getting juice or something, Danielle comments on the hotel's constant stream of Fox News, pointing out that they're showing the girl who was kicked off Southwest for her skirt. Starla responds something to the effect of, "That's no worse than what that Paris Hilton wears! She just shows off her twat all over" Danielle is in shock at the use of "twat" before noon by a woman she barely knows who is too Christian to drink alcohol.

9:00 AM: We get to see the presses and the tour actually gets cool. Not cool: the warning stickers on every piece of equipment showing twisted and mangled hands, arms, or other body parts; the "Safety First" posters showing some kind of gross ass head wound; the fact that our tour guide tells us the workers have to reach in and do stuff to the spinning machines while they're running. My opinion of the press room job falls from "boring as hell" to "scary as hell."

12:15 PM: While eating fried pork tenderloin, baked ham, macaroni and cheese, and mashed potatoes, the Kentuckyians get on about Kentucky food. They tell us about a dessert called banana croquettes, which consists of bananas covered in mayonnaise and rolled in peanuts. Fear of giving offense loses out over inability to conceal disgust.

2:45 PM: We meet world's biggest sports fan, his entire office plastered in UK football memorabilia. Every example he gives in his presentation is sports related. "Say you wanted to give an award to Dick's Sporting Goods, you could just put their name in here, put some pictures of footballs here"..."You could replace these magazine covers with say, Sports Illustrated"

4:00 PM: Starla takes us to the Zappos.com headquarters, which has a large outlet shoestore. I have a newfound love for Starla.

5:00 PM: I finally get my snowglobe (Kentucky derby themed) and head to my plane. I ended up passing on the mini Maker's Mark bottle filled with gourmet barbecue sauce, I choice I already regret.

5:15 PM: Asian guy in front of me at security has what looks suspiciously like the scary future dream machine that I wrote about a few posts back. I am curious.

8:45 PM: I arrive home at my lame ass not at all southern apartment and start to get pissed that I have to go to work tomorrow.

The End

What a fun holiday...

Ok, not only is this news story ridiculous, but check out the Ads by Google...

Looking for russian girls
You want marriage or friendship with women from russia
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I am so creeped out that mail order brides actually exist

Hyphen?

I saw a guy the other day with a shirt that said:

"Does Anal Retentive Have a Hyphen?"

(Of course, that would depend if it were modifying something or not, but I don't think he really wanted the answer)

And speaking of hyphens, I think this is great

Scary Future Machine

Supposedly this device lets you control your dreams. I was freaked out when I first saw the headline, with visions of some bad movie that had Juliette Lewis in it, but then I read the article and figured out its really just a fancy alarm clock.

Still. Japan, come on.

Delaware! Yes!!

I think you can tell a lot about a state by how it chooses to represent itself. I was pondering this recently when I tried to figure out what Idaho would put on its quarters. You'd immediately think potato, but for some reason that doesn't quite work like a Georgia Peach...
I also noticed that Michigan's quarters just have a map of Michigan on them. Come on Michigan, you couldn't think of ANYTHING? Even a picture of Kid Rock would have been better.

Also, while driving north this weekend I noticed that under the "Welcome to Delaware" sign it says, "Home of Tax Free Shopping." I have to admit that it's nice to know that should I be passing through Delaware and my car breaks down en route, I could buy a new car--and totally screw the government in the process (I assume that's what home of tax free shopping means....) But really, it doesn't make a very appealing motto for your state.

I noticed that New Jersey didn't have any motto under their sign...

Good Lord

Actual e-mail that Richard (our 80 something year old writer who makes more than everyone else in the office combined to turn in one completely incoherent department a month) just sent us:

Subject: SHAME

On th4e young editors for:

Not publishing what this grey head submitted for publishing in August;

Not being familiar with reader's survey and average age of readers;

Not having any grasp of the global geopolitics and the importance of Indonesia, third most populous nation on t4he planet, a Muslim nation that controls the busiest waterway on Earth

Not being aware of the importance of Lebanon in peace in the Middle East, where war has raged for over half century.

Not acknowledging the global reach and global humanitarian aide of the USN.

In 1956 I flew to Bruit to catch up with COMDESDIV 202 to make the first patrols in the Red Sea and Persian Gulf since WWII in the summer months on a WWII DD without air. Back again in 1957.

The strongest words my father ever used when I did something other than prudent was: you cannot put an old head on young shoulders. It might germane here.

The matter was settled at the last editorial meeting with TT and Amos.

Little did anyone know that TT was planning to leave the company.

There was no signature, but of course, there is only one crazy person this could be from. The very same one who has a 3/4 of a page section, but yet turned in 5 pages in 9 pt font this month, an entire article of which could not be used because it was simply a list of contracts (which we have an entirely separate section for), and whose writing style is so completely incoherent that I had to search to find the press releases that he had originally used in order to make his articles make any sense whatsoever. I have no memory of deleting Indonesia or Lebanon from anything last month, but seeing as his policy is simply to cut and paste sentences from press releases and then reorder them to make no sense, and he has no concept of length, I'm sure they were part of a list of 25 countries that the Navy had decided they needed to honor that day, and seeing as we have a magazine to publish, and this is not a lets-honor-Richard-Burns-and-his-achievements-section, I see no reason at all why the fact that he "flew to Bruit to catch up with COMDESDIV 202 to make the first patrols in the Red Sea and Persian Gulf since WWII in the summer months on a WWII DD without air" is relevant.

All I can say is please, please, please never put his old crazy head on my shoulders. Oh, and fire him, because he is worse than useless and taking up a salary that could at least buy us some god damn office chairs that aren't from 1975.

BJ Services

In my tedious process of looking up info on stupid companies today I came across a gem--the history of a company called "BJ Services"

It started like so:
"In 1872, 31-year old inventor Byron Jackson formed the Byron Jackson Company."

It then went through roughly 150 points on the timeline, such as:

When he retired in 1913, Byron Jackson’s name was synonymous with excellence and innovation, a reputation to be protected by future generations of BJ employees.

In June 2000, Nowsco-Fracmaster changed its name to BJ Services Company Canada. This unified all of the Company's worldwide pumping services operations under the BJ brand name.

In November 2001, BJ commissioned the first DP-2 stimulation vessel in the Gulf of Mexico – the BJ Blue Ray – and earned the first Well Stimulation class notation from the American Bureau of Shipping.

In April 2002, BJ Services introduced an advanced stimulation vessel for service offshore Brazil.

With more than $4 billion in annual revenues from combined operations, BJ Services Company is well positioned to lead the industry for years to come.

....So, not to be crude or anything, but... it's literally called BJ Services Company and it specializes in "pumping" and "stimulation"

Sorry, Beethoven

What would the great composers of the classical age think if they could hear their arias and overtures now, reduced to midi ringtones on the cell phone of some 14 year old who, far from recognizing their technical and aural magnificence, is like, shit, my mom's calling....

DC: wtf?

It is currently 68 degrees outside. And I am freezing.

That is all.

Nats v Mets: Showdown

Actually, not really, the Mets pretty much beat their ass without much of a fight.

Highlights:

The white trash lady who disdainfully referred to the man playing saxophone outside the metro as "jazz riff raff"

The toddler behind us squeaking insults at the Mets

The toddler a few rows in front of us with a tan clip on tie sagging on the collar of his red t-shirt

Realizing that the reason one of the guys with us looked familiar to me was because he was at Ilene's birthday party a couple months ago

And of course, the gigantic hot dog whose girth would have impressed even the guy who sent me the e-mail about how "baronesses" once "hee-hawed" at his tiny "member," but no longer, since now that he has been using "Meg-A-Dik," it is "bigger than world"

Story of the Week

This week's story-I-was-not-there-for-but-is-great-nonetheless involves Suzanne's friend, referred to by one who has only heard tell of her as "the high-maintenance one" because she apparently calls daily to complain about her life.

The first time Chris met her they were picking her and some friends up in New York. Another of her friends joked: "I was thinking of you the other day because someone was singing the "Diarrhea Song"

She apparently responded, completely deadpan: "That's fitting. I have diarrhea right now."

Keep in mind this was immediately after getting into Chris' car.

The Orient Express?

I've always wanted to go back in time and take a fabulous trip on the Orient Express. Now Amtrak is starting a new service called the "GrandLuxe Limited." The trips are mainly in the west, but they have ones from Union Station to Miami or Chicago. This is what Fodor's had to say:

"GrandLuxe offers separate cars attached to Amtrak trains, and the experience aims to be very high end -- think five-course dinners, luxurious suites with vintage furnishings and mohogany interiors, personal butler service, four-course meals served on fine china, etc."

and this is what the website had to say about the DC to Miami trip:

"The GrandLuxe Limited on The Silver Meteor
Travel for two days in grand style. Board at Washington's historic rail station next to the nation's Capitol. Traverse America's Southeast through Georgia pines, picturesque riverfront Jacksonville and the St. John River, central Florida's orange groves, Orlando, and Southern Florida's jewels of West Palm Beach and Ft. Lauderdale before arriving in Miami."

How nice would it be to travel for two days in the height of style, spend a few days on the beach in Miami and then fly back up?

As soon as I save up that $789...

(If you book between this November and January, they'll give you a $100 alcohol credit...not bad)

New Receptionist

Sea Technology soon will need a new receptionist.

Luckily, I found him on KingofDeals.com

Who can donate a few dollars to help make this happen?

More "Morality"

A few posts ago I laughed at this "Morality in Media" asshole, but now I am pissed. What is it exactly about a woman's breasts that are offensive? Does this guy not take his shirt off at the beach? I'm going to bet he does, and I'll also bet he doesn't find anything "indecent" or "obscene" about it. I want to find this guy and wave my breasts in his face.

And what the hell does Australia have to do with it? Here's a tip dude: in just about every country in the world except for like, Saudi Arabia, no one gives a shit about seeing breasts.

Ok. I'll give him that seeing Courtney Love naked is gross, but that's for entirely different reasons.

Also, who the hell ever considered the NY Post real news? Has he ever actually seen a copy of the Post, or did someone just warn him that there could be breasts in there...

The following is a statement by Robert Peters: “It is no secret that the New York Post will stoop into the garbage pail now and then to attract ‘readers;’ but while this isn’t the first time a woman has appeared topless in the Post, it is to my knowledge the first time a half-page photograph of a topless woman has appeared in that paper two days in a row. “Perhaps the explanation is as simple as, ‘As it already is in Australia so shall it be in New York, as soon as we can desensitize readers to that which once shocked and offended. If no one complained about celebrity Courtney Love sitting in her birthday suit, with breasts fully exposed except for a few beads, why should anyone complain about an advertisement for jeans depicting a bare breasted woman?’ “Perhaps the Post also wants to ensure that children whose parents have the Post delivered to their homes will receive a proper sex education. “Thankfully, most mainstream newspapers still understand that there is a difference between a monthly magazine like Playboy, which for the most part is purchased by morally challenged adults who enjoy ‘erotic’ nudity along with leisure reading, and a daily newspaper which most people still purchase because they want to stay informed about what is happening in the world, nation, state and city. “Since local TV news has become little more than ‘info-entertainment,’ the local newspaper is one of the few sources of state and local news. The N.Y. Post is also one of the few major city newspapers whose editorial and op-ed pages reflect politically and socially conservative points of view. “Undoubtedly, nudity and other sexually provocative content in the Post will sell papers, just like the same content sells Playboy; but just as many Americans view Playboy with contempt, so many will come to view the Post, and they will read important news and alternative viewpoints elsewhere.” Here's some indecent obscenity for you to put in your pipe and smoke: Go fuck yourself

Suck on That, Lions

Maybe the nature shows are really just skewing things. Doesn't it always seem like the lion catches the poor zebra and eats the shit out of it in those shows? Well this seems like its just a bunch of random tourists on a safari, and they're just like, oh hey, check it out.......Holy CRAP! No they dIN'nt!

I totally don't believe this, but it seems real enough. I think the part where I just gave in to utter disbelief was when the crocodile jumped in.

Don't Order the Fish

No wonder people keep getting sick from China's food products. Check out this sketchtastic e-mail:

DEAR SIRS,

WE OBTAIN YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS FROM THE BOSTON AND BRUSSEL SEAFOOD SHOW.

WE,ARE A MODERN SEAFOOD-PROCESSING FACTORY WITH ADVANCE EQUIPMENTS AND GOOD QUALITY-CONTROLLING SYSTEM.

NOW WE ARE PROCESSING:

1) PACIFIC COD FILLETS/LOINS/PORTIONS,SKINLESS, PBO

2) ATLANTIC COD FILLETS/LOINS/PORTIONS, SKINLESS,PBO

3) ALASKA POLLOCK FILLETS,SKINLESS,PBO/PBI

4) ATLANTIC OCEAN PERCH FILLETS, SKIN-ON,PBI

5) CHUM SALMON FILLETS,13COLOR UP, SKIN-ON OR DEEP SKINNED,OR 4OZ VACUUM

6) JAPANESE SCALLOP ADDUCTOR( IN JUNE)

IF YOU CAN FIND INTEREST,PLEASE KINDLY ADVISE YOUR DETAILS(SUCH AS: GLAZING,STPP,PACKING AND DESTINATION PORT,ETC).

SO THAT WE CAN MAKE YOU FIRM AND OUR MOST COMPETATIVE PRICE.

Please kindly reply to: info@chinabestgroup.com and food@online.ln.cn

Thanks and regards,

XU HONG LIANG

China Best Group

Best Foodstuff (Dalian) Co Ltd

20A-521,GANGWANG STREET,DALIAN CHINA

Tel:86-411-82646601Fax:86-411-82646682

Website:www.chinabestgroup.com

I know that their bad grammar and use of all caps doesn't necessarily mean their fish will poison me, but still. I am really really scared if anyone else who gets this e-mail actually responds

The Greatest Bounty Hunter Who Ever Lived

I get a call last night around 7:00...what am I doing? Why, I'm home of course. But I was told to get my butt to GW, because there were two tickets to see Dog the Bounty Hunter on his speaking tour and it started at 7:30.

So we're in a lecture hall that looks basically like Gannett auditorium if you enlarged it slightly. And added a table out in the hallway that not only was selling bottled water and beer, but had a full rack of liquor for some unknown reason. I mean, I guess when I go to see the Dog, I do kind of want a scotch on the rocks.

After a few minutes of filing in (including the people dressed up with blond mullet wigs adorned with feathers, leather vests, handcuffs, and bottles of Windex with the label "Mace" taped on them and the people furiously reading their copies of "You Can Run, But You Can't Hide") the lights dim...too bad I didn't have a lighter. We did start up a bit of "woofing" to rachet up the mood.

Then, by the light of the camera flashes, it became clear that the Dog was hiding behind the podium. This was to ensure a dramatic entrance, so that when the lights came up and his signature theme song started blasting, he could leap up with his arms raised in a Nixon-esque victory pose.

He was in full Dog form, with his silver-studded cowboy boots, his shiny badge, his decorated mace holster, and, of course, his long, shining, perfectly waved mullet, soothing the crazed fanatic crowd with soft words about Jesus.

He told us the whole story about capturing the rapist in Mexico and then being screwed over by the Mexican police and government (is anyone really surprised?)

His story about his Mexican ordeal was a lot of him talking to the Lord: "I asked the Lord, 'Lord, what's up with this? You know I don't deserve this!' And the Lord said, 'Stop your whining!'" Apparently, Dog's mental Jesus is just as much of a bad ass as Dog himself.

There was a lot of talk about him being the greatest bounty hunter in the world. It could very well be true, since before his show came on I didn't even know bounty hunters were a real thing, I thought the industry was dominated by Bobba Fett. But he told a great story about a rival bounty hunter who was always giving him shit, and then he died. And Dog was talking about how the Bible says that jealousy is a canker in your heart or whatever, and he said, "I was really sorry for him when I heard that he died. I thought, I'm so sorry. So sorry that I was the best."

In fact, you know what he wants on his tombstone?

Here Lies the Greatest Bounty Hunter Who Ever Lived: His Name was "God" Spelled Backwards

So after a lot of telling us to be bad ass tough guys and to go with Christ, it was time for the Q & A portion of the evening. This was undoubtedly the best part. Not least because Beth brought her little self (along with her boobs) out for it.*

Some of the people who made a mad dash for the line behind the mic to ask questions were literally sobbing when they got up there, holding up their books for signatures and asking Dog and Beth what their favorite Bible verses are to pray for them. Some of the requests were kind of disturbing, like the lady who was terrified that her unborn baby was going to die and was begging them to pray for it. Others were just funny though, like the lady who asked them to "bless my Powerball ticket."

Another sobbing girl was asking for advice on how to achieve her lifelong dream of becoming a police officer, even though the police force here had turned her down for having a fused spine. I never realized this was a handicap. I like to think that it makes you made of steel.

Probably the best question though was: "Since you're the greatest bounty hunter in the world, why haven't they asked you to catch Osama bin Laden?" Their awesome answer?? "When they're ready for him to be caught they'll ask us."

Someone also asked why they live in Hawaii, and Beth answered, with a totally straight face, that basically there are too many pedophiles everywhere else. She said something like, "On the mainland, there are a lot of people who would do harm to children. You don't get people like that on the island." And then Dog was like, "Yeah, cause if you do, they don't get registered like here, they disappear!!" But he quickly added, "But not in a malicious way," so I don't know exactly what makes them disappear. Maybe pedophiles are allergic to sun and fun.

On the way out, we saw that they had SWEET t-shirts for sale. Had they not been $25 I totally would be wearing one right now. The best of them had this drawing of Dog, and behind him, kind of hovering over his shoulder, is Jesus. A seriously bad ass Jesus who looks like he's about to put the hurt on someone Old Testament-style.


*Dog also made a few cracks about her gazongas during the evening, including a tale of the first time he saw her after leaving Mexico: "And there, coming around the corner were the two, I mean the one thing I'd wanted to see more than anything in the world."

Restaurant Week

The food was definitely very good at DC Coast, and the wine was really good too. The best part though was probably when the waiter told me that the longer he looked at me the younger I seemed to get until finally he had to check my ID. And he was like, just so you know, it's DC law that if the person looks under 30 you're supposed to card them. And then I couldn't stop giggling because Kenny easily squeaked by the guy's under30dar, but my giggling eventually got him carded too.

As for Georgia Brown's, it wasn't even a planned Restaurant Week trip, it was sort of an oh yeah, it's still Restaurant Week... I had the fried green tomato which was FANTASTIC, but then the fried chicken was just ok. The collard greens were gross, but I can't really blame that on them cause they're pretty much always gross.

The weirdest part about that meal though was that the mashed potatoes tasted exactly like KFC. It was uncanny. So much so that I wonder if that's the effect they were going for, cause it seems like you'd have to try in order to achieve something that weird.

Quail Forever

You know that part in Wedding Crashers where Christopher Walken takes them quail hunting and Owen Wilson says, "I don't even know what the FUCK a quail is!!"

That's the kind of ignorance that Quail Forever is fighting against. If complete dorks with nothing better to do don't band together soon, the consequences could be dire. "If quail habitat continues to disappear, so will the quail…and along with it, quail hunting." Think about it. If there's no more quail hunting, what excuse will Dick Cheney have for shooting people in the face? He might just have to start hunting....you.

Quail Forever Marks Two-Year Anniversary
Over 90 QF chapters have formed in 26 states to lead the road to quail recovery

Saint Paul, Minn. – August 10, 2007 – Today, Quail Forever (QF) celebrates its second anniversary. In the two years since Pheasants Forever (PF) launched QF, over 90 QF chapters have formed in 26 different states, all focused on QF's mission – the conservation of quail and other wildlife populations.

"Young chapters are already initiating habitat projects and youth programs," said Jim Wooley, QF's Director of Field Operations. "Because QF chapters have responded well to QF's locally-driven model. These chapters and members are willing to work hard to raise funds and do the necessary habitat work, because they are able to see the results of that work in their own communities." Like PF, QF employs the unique model of empowering local chapters with 100 percent control of the chapters' locally-raised funds to complete habitat and youth education projects in the chapters' own communities.

But despite the early success of QF chapters, U.S. quail populations remain in trouble. If quail habitat continues to disappear, so will the quail…and along with it, quail hunting.

"Quail need troops, plain and simple," Wooley said, "The only way the plight of this great game bird will change is if enough people care enough to do something about it. Quail need your help."

Check out the website

Not only does Ben Streitz have f'in quail gang cred, but he makes a mean "Cherry Berry Pecan Blast" ....perhaps the secret ingredient is....quail?

FishRap

We get a newsletter at work called "FishRap: The Leader in SoCal Fishing News."

I don't know why we get it.

I thought this quote was funny though:

"This whole last week has been great! We've had super warm, clear blue water between 68 and 72 degrees on the outside with tuna, dorado, yellows, marlin, etc. around. We fished the paddies until they wouldn't bite anymore, and then we jumped in the water with our spearguns and stuck the fish with 'lock-jaw' until we had our limits of dorado and yellowtail."

Something about that last part doesn't seem very sporting to me. Once the fish starting catching on and wouldn't take our lures anymore, we just jumped in the water and fucking speared the shit out of them.

And who said fishing was boring?

Speaking of fishing not being boring.....wtf
Some fisherman for this Price Chopper caught quite the prize. Geez.

I Thought Segregation went out with Brown vs. Board

Imagine my surprise when I saw this ad on Facebook. The flash doesn't work on here, but it had been adding "and still get a degree" at the bottom.

There's a few strange things about this. Some of them are too obvious to even mention, but...

First off: Are they saying that players of these games are too stupid to get into real college? Or just that, while they might not be accepted in most of society, this place understands them and their fantasy ways?

Second, why is this ad on Facebook, where most users have already been to real college? Doesn't it have Myspace written ALL over it? (When I think of Myspace, I get horrible visions of those backgrounds that have fairies and elves dressed in Hot Topic-worthy attire, complete with accompanying death metal music, and things like "Aragorn" and "Nosferatu" listed under "Who I'd like to meet")

Update: Kenny pointed out something that probably should have been obvious, especially to one with knowledge of the /pizza option in Everquest. What the ad is really saying is that you don't even have to stop playing your online fantasy video games to get your degree. So, in other words, it's even sadder than I first thought.

Too obsessed with World of Warcraft to stop playing? Even to eat or to go to college?

Never fear!

Just type in "/college" in your toolbar! You won't even have to sign out of your game! You'll be Dr. Level 70 Night Elf Druid in no time!

Who Needs Disease Cures Anyway?

It is all clear now. I understand why we still have AIDS and cancer in the world. ....The scientists have all been busy.

First, it was the study showing that people with fat friends turn out fat. I'm not saying it's not useful to know, but who's funding this study again?

And apparently the New England Journal of Medicine was on a roll, because they also published a story about the kitty grim reaper.

Supposedly, college students that have fake IDs drink more. No WAY!

Last, but certainly not least, you will soon be able to sign up to get phone calls from your plant, letting you know, in a quirky accent, that it is "thirsty."

To the Marriott!!

Imagine my surprise when, opening a press release at work, I scroll down to see “Dorm Room Bang-A-Thon” (“We found the sweetest sluts…and screwed the decency out of them”). Funny as it is to imagine this guy sitting in his hotel room, furiously copying down the titles of all the pornos offered on the hotel's pay-per-view so he could be throughly disgruntled about it, this is exactly the kind of thing that makes me HATE AMERICA.

Other countries have their problems, sure, but the fact that we are the biggest bunch of prudes drives me f'in crazy. What possesses a person to specifically go and check to make sure that he can't possibly order porn? How about, if you don't want to order porn, you just don't? Why is that so hard to understand.

But it's not enough for him to not be exposed to porn, he hates the fact that anyone else might have the opportunity, so much so that he resorts to saying that it "contributes to the breakup of marriages, to prostitution, to sexual assaults against both children and adults, to the spread of sexually transmitted diseases and to the erosion of decency." I'd like to see the slightest proof of that. I'm sure that most guys I know have watched porn at some point, and you know what? As far as I know, most of them have never sexually assaulted anybody! I can say with near certainty that Paul watches porn daily, and yet, to my knowledge, he has never broken up a marriage, engaged in prostitution or sexual assault, or gotten an STD. As for the erosion of decency, that might be another story, but who wants to be "decent" anyway.

Now who wants to watch some Hot Sluts 4

An Open Letter from Morality in Media President Robert Peters to Marriott International CEO Bill Marriott: Get Rid of the Porn:

Dear Mr. Marriott:

Whenever possible, I avoid staying at Marriott Hotels, despite their quality and affordability, because Marriott Hotels is a major distributor of hardcore pornography on its pay-TV channels.

I realize that Marriott is not the only major hotel chain that distributes pay-TV pornography. Marriott is, however, the only major chain whose founder (your father) was honored by Morality in Media (see enclosed brochure) for his efforts to fight pornography.

Recently, however, I did stay at a Marriott while visiting family on Mother’s Day. My sister-in-law made the reservation for my wife and I without letting us know in advance where we would be staying.

I have been told (truthfully or otherwise) that hotels that are actually owned by your family do not carry pornography, and for that reason when I saw the large portrait of your father and you in the hotel lobby, I thought that perhaps this hotel was “family owned” and that there would be no in-room porn.

I was further encouraged when I checked the Hotel Resources book in our room under the topic “Movies, TV and Radio,” where I read: “If you’d like to watch a movie, we offer new releases in four categories: Comedy, Drama, Action and Adventure.” “Hallelujah,” I thought, “no porn!”

Right then (I had expected to write to you much sooner), I decided to thank you for not offering pornography in our hotel and to encourage you to adopt the same policy for all Marriott Hotels.

Before we checked out, however, I decided to make sure this was a “porn free” hotel by turning on the TV and clicking to Menu Options. Sadly, what I found was not only a link to “Hollywood Movies” but also to “Adults Only.” There was a “Must Be 18 To Enter” warning, but proof of age was not required to proceed and view film titles (with pictorial/written promotional material) like these:

“Reign of Tera 2” (“hardcore action”)
“Lesbian Secretary” (“hardcore”)
“Hardcore POV” (“This is hardcore point of view”)
“Rock Hard Porn: Young Sluts”
“100% Sex: Sophomore Sluts”
“Dorm Room Bang-A-Thon” (“We found the sweetest sluts…and screwed the decency out of them”)
“Crazy Campus Sluts”
“Hustlers Barely Legal #60”
“Hustlers Desperate House Tramps”
“Horny Housewife Auditions”
“All Sex: XXX fantasies” (“imagine your raunchiest, dirtiest, fantasies come to life”)

If you say you are not an arbiter of morals or of good taste and that you are just giving many of your customers what they want, you really should be ashamed of yourself.

You should also be aware that distribution of such materials, among other things, contributes to the breakup of marriages, to prostitution, to sexual assaults against both children and adults, to the spread of sexually transmitted diseases and to the erosion of decency.

You should also be aware that in the 1973 Miller v. California obscenity case the Supreme Court said that persons who traffic in materials that “depict or describe patently offensive ‘hard core’ sexual conduct” are “subject to prosecution for the sale or exposure of obscene materials.”

Morality in Media, among many others, is of the opinion that a criminal prosecution of a “mainstream” corporation that is in the business of distributing hardcore pornography is long overdue.

It is my earnest hope, however, that even after so many years of ignoring complaints about the sale of pornography in your hotels, you will yet do the right thing for your family, church and nation.

I would expect that any loss of customers who decide to stay elsewhere because they are addicted to pornography will be more than offset by the gain in customers who want to stay in nice but also pornography free hotels. Your own conscience should also rest much easier.

Sincerely,

Robert Peters, President of Morality in Media

New Book from that Swift Boat Asshole

For some reason we are on this crazy conservative mailing list at work, and I get all kinds of e-mails about how people like Ted Kennedy want to persecute Christians by not letting them pursue their God-given right to hate fags, and things of that nature. Lately, they've been on about illegal immigrants and screaming about Bush trying to create AmeriCanadexico because he wants to grant amnesty and let a few hundred Mexican truck drivers ship in the U.S. I've gotten about a hundred e-mails about the following book, which is apparently #1 on some random website that is probably their own. Actually, you should go to it, it's hilarious. It's all "I Heart America" bumper stickers and there's this DVD:

	Harry Potter: Witchcraft Repackaged (DVD) Making Evil Look Innocent

I could be wrong about this, but I thought that the European Union has been pretty good for Europe, you know, making their currency worth a lot and making countries like Turkey desperate to get in.

And when this guy says that "at least two senators told him, face to face, they were unaware of developments taking place under the Security and Prosperity Partnership of North America," how much do you want to bet that when he accosted them like, Did you have any idea they're trying to dissolve America's sovereignty!!! and the senators said, what the fuck are you talking about? Who let this crazy bastard in here? he chalked that up to them telling him, face to face, that they were "unaware of developments."

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that some politicians don't need to start reading some books to learn about what our government is doing (or, perhaps, some Schoolhouse Rock?), but I'm gonna doubt they need to take the genius behind the Swift Boat Veteran's campaign's word for it.

"The Late Great USA" by Jerome Corsi, a new book being used to tell members of the U.S. Senate what the government is doing, is the best-seller for a fourth straight week at Shop.WND.com.

Using documents obtained under the Freedom of Information Act, Corsi has documented how the same plan used in Europe to implement the European Union may be at work in North America, with the sovereignty of the U.S. in the crosshairs.

The hard-hitting book already has been used by advocates of secure international borders to inform senators about what is going on.

William Gheen, president of Americans for Legal Immigration Political Action Committee, says he is working to mobilize citizens to flood Senate offices with copies of the book after at least two senators told him, face to face, they were unaware of developments taking place under the Security and Prosperity Partnership of North America.

That is an agreement the U.S. has with Canada and Mexico in which a broad range of government functions are being streamlined.

Critics of the effort say it is part of an incremental move toward a "North American Community." The Bush administration asserts the SPP "in no way, shape or form considers the creation of a European Union-like structure or a common currency."

Corsi's research shows the elites in Europe knew it would be necessary to conceal from the people there just what was being done in their name to create a European Union until it was too late to change the course of events.

In his new book, Corsi now shows how the benignly-named SPP, created at a meeting between President Bush, Paul Martin and Vicente Fox, is the same kind of regional integration plan that led Europe to form the EU.

The question then, he says, is whether the same thing could be happening now in North America.

He has set out a chilling view of America's possible "harmonized" future – one "being created covertly, without voter input or Congressional oversight."

"The Late Great U.S.A. is a real winner that sounds a clarion call to this nation. This book uncovers the careful deceptions of a powerful elite who want to undermine our sovereignty before we realize it. I consider this a must read for every American," said Hal Lindsey, best-selling author of "The Late Great Planet Earth."

"Dr. Corsi has 'connected the dots' between the Security and Prosperity Partnership, the sale of toll roads and other infrastructure to foreign companies, and proposals for a North American Union with open borders between Mexico, the U.S. and Canada. 'The Late Great U.S.A.' is an essential read for anyone concerned about the future independence and sovereignty of the United States," added Phyllis Schlafly, president of the Eagle Forum.

About Dr. Jerome R. Corsi:

Jerome R. Corsi received a Ph.D. from Harvard University in political science in 1972 and has written many books and articles, including co-authoring with John O'Neill the No. 1 New York Times best-seller, "Unfit for Command: Swift Boat Veterans Speak Out Against John Kerry." Corsi's most recent book was authored with Michael Evans: "Showdown with Nuclear Iran." Dr. Corsi's other recent books include "Black Gold
Stranglehold: The Myth of Scarcity and the Politics of Oil," which he co-authored with WND columnist Craig. R. Smith, and "Atomic Iran."

Chinese Villagers Eat Dinosaur Bones

I think the title of this post says all that needs to be said.

Lesson One: Appeal to your Demographic

Anyone else find it a little odd that McDonald's has a whole website dedicated to "blackness"? It's even called 365Black.com. I saw an ad for this on the metro and was unable to believe it until I went to the website myself.

Where is the Starbucks website celebrating Caucasianess?

Celebrating?

Seriously....I don't know what these people are thinking when they send me e-mails:

"This week I’m having the pleasure of celebrating two birthdays - Canada Day, which is to commemorate the confederation of Upper and Lower Canada and some of the Maritime Provinces into the Dominion of Canada in 1867, and of course, our Independence Day. I hope all of you in the States will have a safe and fun time celebrating the independent spirit we Americans are so proud of!

Speaking of celebrating, imagine how patients with facial abnormalities must feel when they’re able to get back into the public thanks to facial prosthetics that look like the real thing. ... Also feeling quite confident are the growing numbers of women who are having high-risk pregnancies. Check out our story from Florida Hospital about the 23-year old quadriplegic who had a baby after she was paralyzed from the neck down."

ummmm??? When I think of celebrating the 4th of July, I don't usually think of people with facial abnormalities or quadriplegics giving birth.... Now I'm going to have some disturbing thoughts while I barbecue...

Transformers!

WASHINGTON, June 29, 2007 - Under the cover of darkness in the nation's capital last night, servicemembers from all branches deployed into theater -- the movie theater.

About 600 military personnel and family members attended a sneak preview of "Transformers," the summer science fiction action-adventure film set for national release July 3.

Audience members cheered as virtuous Autobot transformers fought in concert with their U.S. military allies against the depraved Decepticons, while the clash between good and evil played out in stunning images and bone-rattling sound.

"That was without a doubt the best movie I have ever seen," Army Staff Sgt. Mario Youngblood, dressed in his combat uniform, said as he emerged wide-eyed from the theater. The soldier, who grew up watching the early animated version, said the film did justice to the "Generation 1" Transformers of his youth.

"Obviously, the military has never fought giant robots, and hopefully we never will. But the way this film is structured, if we ever had to do it, this is probably how we would do it," said Army Lt. Col Paul Sinor

Titicaca!!!

Ummmmm......if you really want to know if prehistoric people could have made this boat, maybe you shouldn't mount the mast with a five-ton crane that's usually deploying drilling equipment or heavy-duty sediment vibracoring equipment....

Today, Aqua Survey is helping the German experimental arcaeologist Dominique Gorelitz and his crew prepare the Abora III to leave New York Harbor and sail to the Azores near the African coast and then on to Spain. The vessel was built entirely from reeds taken from Lake Titicaca in Bolivia by Aymara Indians in their traditional design.

Several weeks ago, Abora III and its crew arrived at Liberty Harbor Marina in Jersey City, NJ, the homeport for our 70-foot lift-boat, the R/V Robert E. Hayes. One of their first major tasks was to build and mount the mast for the Abora III. Using our five-ton crane aboard the R/V Hayes we were able to lend a hand. Our lift-boat's crane is usually put to work deploying drilling equipment or heavy-duty sediment vibracoring equipment.

So why the commotion? "There is growing evidence that before Columbus or the Vikings made their maiden voyages to the New World, people were regularly crossing the Atlantic to trade goods." How were Stone Age peoples able to make such transatlantic business trips and can a modern crew recreate this voyage using a boat constructed from a prehistoric design?

As my co-worker wisely put it: "People can't even make it from Cuba to Florida in boats like that..."

Woodland Wonders

THE WOODLAND WONDERS, by Vera M. Roberts; ISBN 1-4251-0255-7; $13.57 US / $15.60 CDN / £7.80 / €11.14; Perfect bound; 114 pages

Wildlife adventure: A pet rabbit time travels, is fostered, leaves home, marries, separates and gains parental access rights. His friend protects him from the Farmer. Ideal for New National Curriculum 2008.

What are they planning on teaching kids in 2008??

Click the link for the full ridiculousness of this book's plot.

March of the Giant Penguins

Fossils Reveal Early Penguins Reaching 5 Ft. Tall Lived Near the Equator During One of Earth’s Warmest Periods


What?? 5 feet tall? That's the size of most of Japan!

Hollywood's Hot New Diet!

So I'm in line at the grocery store, and I see the cover of one of America's most popular magazines....Us Weekly. At first, I gave it my normal blank stare followed by possible slight interest (you can't really see it, but that picture of Jessica Simpson looking all fat nine weeks ago is great). But then I realized the true beauty of this cover.

Either the editors at US have no sense of irony, or they have a great sense of humor. Cause as soon as you're done learning about the fact that Hollywood's Hot New Diet helped Jessica lose 20 lbs in TWO MONTHS! and that it's so easy, you can do it too! you can look over and see Kelly Clarkson's confession: "I was bulimic."

Hmm....I wonder what that hot new diet that I'm supposed to try could be.....

Hobbies include: Grazing

This was in my e-mail today. Apparently turning land into a national park will keep people from the fabulous recreational activities of rock collecting, grazing, and logging.

National Landscape Conservation System Land Grab Threatens The West

The NLCS Essentially Places A National Park Type Overlay Over Millions Of Acres Of BLM Land. Multiple-Use and private property will be eliminated or threatened.

The Babbitt National Landscape Conservation System (HR 2016) threatens:

-----Oil and Gas exploration;

-----Miners and mineral exploration;

-----Off-Highway Vehicle Use;

-----Convert Wilderness Study Areas into Wilderness;

-----All kinds of recreation like shooting, hunting and rock collecting;

-----Hunting for some is essential to their survival;

-----Sightseeing;

-----River rafting;

-----Grazing;

-----Forestry and logging;

-----Many more types of recreation.

Also, since when was "Sightseeing" prohibited in a national park?

The Baconater

Wendy's must have gotten together for a corporate mission meeting and decided, "National obesity epidemic? We have got our business plan!" They decided that the triple cheeseburger wasn't good enough...they could do better, and they have. The soon-to-come heart attack on a bun, or "The Baconater," provides not only your daily value of two patties with cheese, but six, count 'em, 6, strips of bacon. This is what the website has to say:

Baconator

Six strips of hickory smoked bacon piled high atop two 1/4 lb. patties of fresh, never frozen, beef. Complete with two slices of American cheese, mayo and ketchup for a mountain of mouth-watering taste. Go on, obsess a little.

There are NO vegetables on that, not even a piece of iceberg lettuce or a god damn pickle. Unless you count the ketchup I guess. But does it really need MAYO?? For real.

But that wasn't even the craziest thing I saw. For one, the Ultimate Chicken Grill meal had a little icon next to it that said, "Now tastier!" ...What the hell does that mean??

And on my cup, I read this phrase, next to a little sun icon: "Today's salads didn't exist yesterday" .....?

I think the only answer here is that people in the product development wing of Wendy's corporate are smoking a lot of weed.

I Love/Hate Press Releases

These were the titles of some press releases I just got, and they made me giggle because I am basically a 12 year old.

ABB Releases Asset Master

New Product from MEN Micro Inc.

Hella Marine Floodlights Turn Night Into Day

I may be childish, but at least I can turn unbelievably boring ocean technology press releases into thoughts of ass masters, small men, and So-Cal slang.

Who's Up for a Tomato Fight?

After about 45,000 of those "Deal Alert" emails you get if you make the mistake of buying plane tickets online, I got this gem today:

"Bunol, Spain flights | hotels | cars
Grab a tomato and join the world's largest food fight at the Tomatina Festival in Bunol, Spain. Signaling the end of the growing season, the week starts with parades, fireworks, shopping, and street parties leading up to the main event. On the final Wednesday in August, 90,000 pounds of tomatoes arrive by the truckloads for an eager crowd. After a day of feasting and endless pitchers of Sangria, some drunk will climb a pole to remove a ham which signals go time. Tomato packed rockets burst into the air for a new take on shock and awe. Soon, everyone in throwing distance is covered in soggy, red goo. After the war has died down, friends and foes reconcile and march down to the river to de-sauce and party well into the night. "

Who's coming with me?

No.....F'In......Way

petbutler.com


(They're "#1 in the '#2' business!")

Wine Bus

Apparently, Virginia has a "Wine Country," and I decided to tour it on a bus.

Luckily, this wasn't just any bus...it was a limo bus. Complete with "starry night" ceilings and neon lighting to give a soft glow to the black leather.

Unfortunately, all wine had to be consumed in plastic cups, at least until the broken glass incident from last year's wine bus is out of litigation. That made things considerably less classy, but considering the company I think we could handle it.

The first winery we went to set the tone of the day: "get plastered in the face of all obstacles." Cause the wine tasted like shit. Specifically, I thought it all tasted kind of like sweet pickles. That was a more kind characterization though, because some people thought it had sewer notes.

Then after this there was a slight setback--the bus broke down. This was brief though. Once we got a jump we were back on the road (we did have to pull over once when the bus door randomly opened on the highway, but that was taken care of soon enough).

At the next place, the wines were all pretty good, but we decided to have our picnic in their backyard. Big mistake. The lady came out and yelled at us that we could only drink her wine on the premises, otherwise it was "against the law." Now, I'm pretty sure that drinking on private property is never against the law, and even if it were, I'm fairly certain that it would not matter what brand of alcohol you were consuming. So there was some grumbling. And by grumbling I mean Suzanne kept saying things like, "let's bomb this place."

The rest of the day went pretty much the same. There was some food fighting, there was a red wine-spilled-on-someone's-white-shirt incident, and then we went back to Aimee's house and barbecued and played drunken Trivial Pursuit. And later my shoes got lost somewhere under the deck and I had to wear Ethan's back because it was his fault, so he walked barefoot all the way across Capitol Hill to Union Station.

Good times.

Happy Hour?

Ethan decided that "happy hour," while better than "$8 a beer hour," still kind of sucks, and I'm inclined to agree. At least when it's this beautiful outside. So, being at Georgetown, we decided to have a very "college" moment. It was also very Georgetown.

First, he got soda cups from Booeymongers, then we went to Wisemiller's and debated our options: $1.85 for a bottle, or $6.75 for the whole six pack? Not sure why they sell it by the bottle, considering you can't eat there and it's not technically legal to drink a beer outside. But the point is, we were economical and went for the six pack.

The next challenge was getting it into our "discreet" cups. We had to go down the Exorcist stairs anyway, so we made use of the relatively secluded area for our pouring. My bartender buddies over at Fado would have been quite disappointed with our performance though. It was all head and we couldn't get enough of it into the cups fast enough, so we ended up just chugging what was left in the bottles.....and of course right then some people started coming down the stairs. They were students though, so I'm sure they've seen worse than people chugging beers on the world's most precarious stairs in broad daylight.

We disposed of the evidence in a nearby dumpster and headed on to the canal, sipping our straws. Walking along the edge of it, we saw this turtle and were totally amazed that we were within a few feet of actual wildlife...especially because that canal did not look like ideal habitat. But then we started seeing tons of stuff. There were at least four adult turtles and one teeny baby (cutest thing ever), there were schools of sunfish, and then there were a bunch of gigantic fish that may have been carp. People had thrown lots of breadcrumbs in the water and the animals were feasting. At one point, Ethan was like, look at that turtle!! He must be lovin this! He's got a bread feast! to which I asked if turtles even eat bread, and his response was, "...unless he's on South Beach."

We also ran into these people carrying their fly fishing rods who apparently fish in the canal all the time because "it's so easy." It does seem kind of like cheating, but... the guy had a totally awesome mustache.

We also discussed how much trouble we would be in if we peed in the canal and other inappropriate peeing stories.

The End

In The Headlines

Every once in a while, those liberal biased, ratings-driven scoundrels calling themselves journalists at CNN come up with some really great stuff. For a story about the difficult position Democrats found themselves in when asked to vote on the war funding bill last week, the headline read: Democrats Caught Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

I swear I saw this, even though google refuses to acknowledge it now. It also has not confirmed a headline that Pete told me he saw today on America's number one source for news, but I was able to find other links to at least corroborate the story (note the awesome graphic). Apparently, a drive-through customer became disgruntled after a Wendy's employee refused to give him the inordinate amount of chili sauce he demanded, and he ended up shooting the manager in rage before absconding with the 10 packets of sauce he'd managed to get out of them. As if this story wasn't enough on it its own, CNN allegedly titled it: Some Like it Hot.

Fantastic. I would also have accepted "Falling Down" into Chili Sauce