The Greatest Bounty Hunter Who Ever Lived

I get a call last night around 7:00...what am I doing? Why, I'm home of course. But I was told to get my butt to GW, because there were two tickets to see Dog the Bounty Hunter on his speaking tour and it started at 7:30.

So we're in a lecture hall that looks basically like Gannett auditorium if you enlarged it slightly. And added a table out in the hallway that not only was selling bottled water and beer, but had a full rack of liquor for some unknown reason. I mean, I guess when I go to see the Dog, I do kind of want a scotch on the rocks.

After a few minutes of filing in (including the people dressed up with blond mullet wigs adorned with feathers, leather vests, handcuffs, and bottles of Windex with the label "Mace" taped on them and the people furiously reading their copies of "You Can Run, But You Can't Hide") the lights dim...too bad I didn't have a lighter. We did start up a bit of "woofing" to rachet up the mood.

Then, by the light of the camera flashes, it became clear that the Dog was hiding behind the podium. This was to ensure a dramatic entrance, so that when the lights came up and his signature theme song started blasting, he could leap up with his arms raised in a Nixon-esque victory pose.

He was in full Dog form, with his silver-studded cowboy boots, his shiny badge, his decorated mace holster, and, of course, his long, shining, perfectly waved mullet, soothing the crazed fanatic crowd with soft words about Jesus.

He told us the whole story about capturing the rapist in Mexico and then being screwed over by the Mexican police and government (is anyone really surprised?)

His story about his Mexican ordeal was a lot of him talking to the Lord: "I asked the Lord, 'Lord, what's up with this? You know I don't deserve this!' And the Lord said, 'Stop your whining!'" Apparently, Dog's mental Jesus is just as much of a bad ass as Dog himself.

There was a lot of talk about him being the greatest bounty hunter in the world. It could very well be true, since before his show came on I didn't even know bounty hunters were a real thing, I thought the industry was dominated by Bobba Fett. But he told a great story about a rival bounty hunter who was always giving him shit, and then he died. And Dog was talking about how the Bible says that jealousy is a canker in your heart or whatever, and he said, "I was really sorry for him when I heard that he died. I thought, I'm so sorry. So sorry that I was the best."

In fact, you know what he wants on his tombstone?

Here Lies the Greatest Bounty Hunter Who Ever Lived: His Name was "God" Spelled Backwards

So after a lot of telling us to be bad ass tough guys and to go with Christ, it was time for the Q & A portion of the evening. This was undoubtedly the best part. Not least because Beth brought her little self (along with her boobs) out for it.*

Some of the people who made a mad dash for the line behind the mic to ask questions were literally sobbing when they got up there, holding up their books for signatures and asking Dog and Beth what their favorite Bible verses are to pray for them. Some of the requests were kind of disturbing, like the lady who was terrified that her unborn baby was going to die and was begging them to pray for it. Others were just funny though, like the lady who asked them to "bless my Powerball ticket."

Another sobbing girl was asking for advice on how to achieve her lifelong dream of becoming a police officer, even though the police force here had turned her down for having a fused spine. I never realized this was a handicap. I like to think that it makes you made of steel.

Probably the best question though was: "Since you're the greatest bounty hunter in the world, why haven't they asked you to catch Osama bin Laden?" Their awesome answer?? "When they're ready for him to be caught they'll ask us."

Someone also asked why they live in Hawaii, and Beth answered, with a totally straight face, that basically there are too many pedophiles everywhere else. She said something like, "On the mainland, there are a lot of people who would do harm to children. You don't get people like that on the island." And then Dog was like, "Yeah, cause if you do, they don't get registered like here, they disappear!!" But he quickly added, "But not in a malicious way," so I don't know exactly what makes them disappear. Maybe pedophiles are allergic to sun and fun.

On the way out, we saw that they had SWEET t-shirts for sale. Had they not been $25 I totally would be wearing one right now. The best of them had this drawing of Dog, and behind him, kind of hovering over his shoulder, is Jesus. A seriously bad ass Jesus who looks like he's about to put the hurt on someone Old Testament-style.


*Dog also made a few cracks about her gazongas during the evening, including a tale of the first time he saw her after leaving Mexico: "And there, coming around the corner were the two, I mean the one thing I'd wanted to see more than anything in the world."