Pumas and Cougars

Is it just me, or are the PUMA women trying to make me think of cougars?

EZ Divorce

I saw this ad in a CNN news story I was reading, and it is so shockingly awful.

Husbands Unfaithful?
Check his computer for the truth. Secretly read emails. "Free Trial"
WebWatcherNow.com/Free_Trial

Not only does it let you read his e-mails, but it offers this list of features:

Read every email they send or receive

See every Instant Message or Chat they participate in (both sides of the conversation)

See every webpage they visit and how long they stay there

Block access to inappropriate websites (WebWatcher has the best block list in the world - guaranteed)

Capture every single keystroke they type (including passwords & usernames)

Limit access to what software programs can be used (block programs & set schedules for use)

Take Screenshots of their computer screen - allowing you to see everything they do including graphics and video

Monitor and control Laptops no matter where they go! WebWatcher is the ONLY software that can be used to remotely monitor and control all laptop activity no matter where in the world it travels. That's why it's being used by law enforcement agencies everywhere.

Monitor as many computers as you need to. Some companies and government agencies use WebWatcher to monitor thousands of PCs.

Be notified when "alert words" you choose are used in any communications

How can people read this and think that it's a good idea? I think that being unfaithful is treating your partner better than doing all of this to them.

For that very reason, much of the site is dedicated to how hard the software is to detect, yet Adam Greenfield of Houston, Texas, seems to have no problems putting his full name and location on his satisfied customer quote.

So, apparently, is Kimberly Orting of Ft. Wayne, Indiana. "I've been using WebWatcher for a few months now and it's lived up to every promise and it's totally hidden." So by lived up to all it's promises do you mean you found out your husband is enjoying BDSM and plushie fetishes on the side? Did you really WANT to know that?

I am an incredibly jealous and suspicious person, I will acknowledge. But this is WAY over the line. I can't believe that this product exists or that people are dead inside enough to buy and use it.

Do you have a bird infestation?

"Bird-X, Inc. targets bird infestations all around the world." I didn't even realize bird infestations were a problem! But, apparently, "Pest bird problems are common."

Man Junk

I am 98 percent sure this is a real product. I'd say 100 percent, seeing as they took the time and effort to ensure that I got a press release about it, and they have a sweet website...but, after reading both of those things, I'm still not entirely convinced.

Nevertheless, let's subject their claims to a close reading.

"Man Junk Launches Innovative Personal Care Product: Organic, Deep-Cleansing Intimate Body Wash for Men

Exclusive Line Enters $12 Billion Personal Care Market

LOS ANGELES, August 20, 2008 — Man Junk, the exclusive brand of men’s personal care solutions, today launched its debut product: an organic, deep-cleansing intimate body wash.
Tackling the sensitive issue of male private hygiene in a unique and open way, Man Junk’s philosophy is based upon a commitment to improve the health and sex lives of men across the globe.

“It’s time to get private hygiene into the public eye and stop ignoring the real needs of men worldwide,” said Rowett. “Man Junk addresses a growing cleanliness concern while helping to refresh and replenish an area that is often disregarded.”
A much-overlooked aspect of personal care, poor male hygiene can lead to inflammation, bacteria buildup, STD transmission, and even the increased risk of penile cancer. Man Junk cleans gently but effectively, working against bacteria deposits and other odor-causing agents, while leaving the body moisturized and soft to the touch.

A product for such a critically sensitive area requires painstaking attention to detail in both the selection and formulation of ingredients. A task Mr. Rowett has been focused on for over two years.

Already a proven innovator in social technology, Mr. Rowett is using innovative approaches to educate the active consumer base that Man Junk appeals to. Initiatives such as Man Junk TV, the ‘Clean or Dirty’ Facebook application and Man Junk's pledge to donate proceeds towards Prostate Cancer Research all exemplify an ethical business model."

First of all, is there really a "growing cleanliness concern"? I'm pretty sure that the advent of soap, shampoo, toothbrushes, and showers have all been major milestones in the history of cleanliness. I think Queen Elizabeth took something like two baths in her entire life. You can bet she needed to "refresh and replenish" her area, but a guy who showers once a day? He's probably alright. Plus, I highly doubt that too many men are disregarding that region. Just a hunch.

The immediate question that comes to mind of course is, what's wrong with soap? Man Junk has an answer for that too. "Any product that's made to clean your neck, back, ass or legs isn't going to provide the specific levels of odor fighting and skin treatment that Man Junk does." I'm not exactly sure what products out there are designed specifically to clean a man's ass...however I would kind of hope that they provide odor fighting...

"On top of our commitment to men around the world, all the guys at our office use MJ daily. Don't put anything on your downstairs captain that the creators themselves aren't using."

Downstairs captain!

"Men sweat. Not the hot sweat that women get going out on the dance floor, but the rank perspiration that makes any interested party turn 180 degrees and make a beeline for the door.

Luckily, you've got Man Junk as a wingman.

Gone are the worries of funk down under, dry skin or dead-skin build-up. Instead, you're packing something smooth, clean, and dying to make an acquaintance."

Those are their italics, not mine. Ok. So, are they saying that if you don't wash your junk with their specific product, that women are going to smell it on the dance floor and run away? Are they really saying that? I won't even get into the "wingman" idea.

"Avoid getting embarrassed when out with a potential encounter or even with a partner of years. Man Junk cleanses and refreshes the entire male anatomy, heightening the pleasure of love making and giving your confidence a boost before heading to the bedroom."

Even if you assume that they aren't actually claiming it will get a woman to sleep with you and are only saying that it will make her happier when she does, I don't really think that too many women expect to find Mr. Clean down there. Plus, does it really smell as bad as they're making it out? Since this product was only introduced today, I think I can guarantee that I've never been with anyone who used it, and they all smelled fine...

Lastly, there are the "coming soon" products. MJ Express, Smooth, and Intimate sound about equal in weird/grossness, but what the F is MJ Dust? "Think of it like fairy dust but without the winged, mythical creatures. Oh, it still has magic. Man Junk magic!" What?

I don't care how revolutionary the technology is, you look like a douche

My daily walk through Franklin Square Park is nothing if not interesting. There are the guys screaming obscenities at me, the squirrel mating rituals, the guy who I saw fill a water bottle out of the fountain and then drink from it, and then today, a new one, some kind of Segway convention... There were like 20 people on Segways segwaying around in circles.

Wtf.

Edwards cheated...Can we move on to the actual candidate now?

The only thing worse than the media not covering the John Edwards affair is them covering it.

Seriously, Kaus, I get it. The MSM was sitting on the story. It's on CNN now, so you can talk about some other topic on your blog!

While I give him credit for following the story while most of the media was purposefully ignoring it, he's discussed almost nothing else for about a month now and is kind of giving me reason to understand exactly why so many news outlets had been avoiding it. I always thought he was kind of a tool, but he really starts sounding like an obsessive crazy in some of these. Do we really need hourly updates on this?

I first noticed the story on his blog months ago—before the "love child" was even born—and, at the time, it was certainly pretty interesting. There definitely seemed to be too many strange twists for the Edwards official story to be true, so why was no one else talking about it? Especially when they were reporting similarly damaging accusations with even less evidence.

The thing is, at the time, it may have actually been relevant. From what I can tell, the National Enquirer began covering the story as early as October of 2007, back when Edwards was maybe not the front runner, but certainly a viable candidate for the nomination. While it saddens me to hear of yet another seemingly devoted husband who turned out not to be able to keep it in his pants (and did you see her?), I don't really think it's relevant to his ability to lead. However, it is relevant to his ability to win, and if all the allegations are true, he may have committed some crimes in using campaign funds to hire her and later to hush her up (plus it's pretty darn skeevy if he did convince his aide Andrew Young to claim paternity—good luck explaining that one to your wife and kids).

My point is, this story was worth something in October when the Enquirer first published it, and it's worth a little now with VP picks and Cabinet posts possibly in the works. But now that he's admitted it, even if he's still not being entirely forthcoming, is it really worth rehashing over and over?

By all means, feel free to lampoon him all you want. Lord knows how much enjoyment we've gotten out of Republican sex scandals recently, and I don't want to deny the other side their chance (Also, if you haven't seen this video, enjoy). But please don't keep trying to pass off harping on this story as "responsible journalism."

And for the record, I don't think this scandal hurts Obama. If it hurts any candidate, it should be McCain, the candidate who has experience—cheating on an unwell wife.

Put those things away, please

Another addition to the list of feminine rituals I will never understand: the professional pedicure.

I'm not saying I can't see the appeal of a nice foot soak and having non-grody toenails (I definitely see the appeal of the latter), but here I'm mainly referring to the elaborate acrylic/airbrushed thing. And the fact that these things can cost $40 to $80!

Full disclosure: I find nails, particularly toenails, majorly, majorly gross. Long fingernails of any kind are hideous to me, and I can't stand to see any of the white part of my toenails. If it's sticking out more than a few millimeters on someone else, I feel kind of sick. Even when they're not dirty or anything. Add any kind of discoloration, peeling, or, god forbid, fungus, and it becomes a downright phobia.

That said, when I see women with elaborate pedicures that seem designed to emphasize the length of their toenails, I can't help but feel like the world's gone a little insane.

The first offender was a couple days ago, with this French manicure that would have been tasteful were it not for the length of the white painted part. She definitely looked like she could easily scratch the shit out of someone with her toes accidentally.... I'm hoping this was mainly an illusion caused by the nail polish, but they were definitely too long for my comfort.

That was nothing compared to what I saw on the metro today, though. Imagine these...on someone's toes. That should give you a pretty good idea. Not that they didn't take artistry. But who wants to a) draw that much attention to their feet, b) look like they have two inch long toenails??

I don't even want to know how much she paid for that.

Is a penny worth anything?

On my walk home tonight I saw into the crate of the woman who begs in front of the metro station near my office. I hesitate to say "homeless woman," because she always looks clean and has fresh clothes and only sits there from 9 to 5. She also claims to have three children, so I can only guess that she is able to house them somewhere when they're not in school. All of these things have made me wonder why she continues to sit in the same spot and beg nearly every day for the last year. I don't know her specific circumstances, but it seems to me that if she is able to get clean clothes, transport to a business district on a regular schedule, and have access to childcare, she should be able to get and hold down some kind of job.

But that's not really my point. My point is that when I saw into the crate, all she had was a couple of dollar bills and a pile of pennies. There wasn't a silver coin in there from what I could tell, and this really got to me.

I started wondering, what's worse? The person who doesn't give anything, or the person who picks through their change and just throws in pennies? If you want to give, and they're legitimately all you have, that's one thing, but I think if that were the case some people would have thrown in their quarters, dimes, and nickels as well.

I rarely give to those begging, and I use a number of reasons to justify this to myself--the fact that it encourages them to continue that life, the fact that I can't give to everyone who asks, the fact that I've given to people based on what I learned later were lies. I don't think any of these absolves me from charges of selfishness, however, and I'll own up to that. But to me it seems to take a particular callousness to go through one's pockets and pick out only the most utterly worthless change. It makes me wonder if they're giving it more to get it out of their pockets than because they want to help someone.

I can't rule out the possibility that she had taken out the more valuable change by the time I walked by. I hope that that's the case. Otherwise I'm not really sure she made enough today to pay for her metro ride to and from wherever she comes from, let alone support herself and three kids. I also hope she gets herself out of whatever trouble she's in that keeps her there day after day...

Damn you Dunkin Donuts, Damn you to Hell

Continuing on the theme of my earlier post of me having terrible eating habits, I had a Boston cream donut craving tonight and decided to look up the address of my local Dunkin Donuts. What i found was yet another reason why Americans are fat asses. Check this thing out....

My immediate thought was, DELICIOUS, when I can get one? My second thought was holy shit, why would they make this.

Does it really need American, Swiss, and Monterey Jack cheese? Does it really need hash browns baked into the omelet? Especially when they sell little tater tot-like hash browns to eat on the side?

Then of course there's the bacon lover's version. I guess the best thing that can be said about this one is that at least it only has one type of cheese.

Probably the best part about all of this is the little O grams of trans fat logo in the corner. What, no trans fat?? I'd better have one every morning to keep my figure!