DC FAIL

It's almost time for our primary in DC—which can be considered our election since we're a one-party oligarchy—and I've just received my voter guide in the mail.

I'll confess, I haven't been paying much attention to the election so far, but I do actually want to participate and make an informed decision, so I decided to read through the candidate statements. Of the five Democratic Party candidates for mayor, three of them have statements that are written relatively reasonably (there are still quite a few errors, but apparently you can't expect people to edit something they are using as their main pitch to voters—hey, it's DC, it's not like we have a high literacy rate).

Two of them, however, are really tragically bad. Coincidentally(?), these are the two candidates who emphasize their upbringing in DC public schools...

Let me just copy them here. (emphasis theirs)

Sulaimon Brown
Vote Sulaimon Brown for Mayor, Democratic Political Strategist—Brown has a financial background, worked on the CAFR (Comprehensive Annual Financial Report) audit of Washington DC. He worked on the political campaigns of President Barack Obama, former Assistant Attorney General Ron Magnus, council member Michael Brown, and Mayor Adrian Fenty. Brown a Ward 5 resident, attended Kelly Miller, Duke Ellington, and graduated from the University of the District of Columbia with a Bachelor of Business Administration degree in Accounting. Platform: Reduce the 12% unemployment rate; 50% dropout rate in our schools; and the highest HIV/ Aids rate in the United States.

Ernest E. Johnson
Ernest E. Johnson is 60 years old 3rd generation Washingtonian that attended DC public schools: Shaw, Banneker, Cardozo and 6 years at the American University majoring in the Administration of Justice.

Mr. Johnson is a published Author and owns Johnson & Johnson Realty. A Community Activist and Discipline of Christ that has worked behind the scenes in every major campaign in the District of Columbia: Walter E. Washington, Marion Barry's Chief strategist in 1978 and Anthony William's election as Mayor. Served as a member of the DC Apprenticeship Council, Columbia Heights Development Corporation, Respected relationship with the U.S. Congress.


I don't even know where to begin. I don't think it's asking too much of our mayoral candidates to expect them to be able to construct a sentence with a subject AND a verb. Adding unnecessary colons and dashes does not in fact negate the need for both of these elements. And I'd like to know what a "Discipline" of Christ is.

This really makes me concerned for my city. I would hope that our community leaders would at least be relatively educated, and even if writing just isn't their strong point, was there really no one in their life who could have read over their statement to voters on why they should be mayor? Anyone who could have told them that they were actually a "60-year-old third-generation Washingtonian"?? No one?

I know Fenty's got his problems, but if these are our alternatives...

Laser Beam Arc Hybrid

I just got this in a press release from a Japanese company. It is apparently a picture of "laser beam arc hybrid welding" (which, actually now that I think about it, does sound pretty freakin awesome). But when I printed this out, I totally thought it was a picture of a giant robot firing lasers out of his arm at first. And that Japan had finally succeeded in instigating the robot apocalypse. And were considerate enough to draft a press release.

Ridiculous Press Relase of the Day

"Babymoons and Cruise Line Rules for your Pre-Baby Romantic Getaway

Babymoon – a vacation designed for expectant parents – provides a well-timed and much-needed respite from the pre-baby schedule. It’s an opportunity to relax before your lives are changed forever by the arrival of your new bundle of joy."


Ok, I realize that having a baby ends your life forever, but really, travel industry? You're hurting so bad that you had to invent "Babymoon"?

Relax and spend time together now before your horrible life as parents begins and you slowly spiral into spitefulness and resentment. Have sex, for what will probably be one of the last times ever. At least until it's time for bundle of joy #2...

Even worse than the "Hug Me Blanket"

Wtf Japan. Seriously.