Good Lord

Actual e-mail that Richard (our 80 something year old writer who makes more than everyone else in the office combined to turn in one completely incoherent department a month) just sent us:

Subject: SHAME

On th4e young editors for:

Not publishing what this grey head submitted for publishing in August;

Not being familiar with reader's survey and average age of readers;

Not having any grasp of the global geopolitics and the importance of Indonesia, third most populous nation on t4he planet, a Muslim nation that controls the busiest waterway on Earth

Not being aware of the importance of Lebanon in peace in the Middle East, where war has raged for over half century.

Not acknowledging the global reach and global humanitarian aide of the USN.

In 1956 I flew to Bruit to catch up with COMDESDIV 202 to make the first patrols in the Red Sea and Persian Gulf since WWII in the summer months on a WWII DD without air. Back again in 1957.

The strongest words my father ever used when I did something other than prudent was: you cannot put an old head on young shoulders. It might germane here.

The matter was settled at the last editorial meeting with TT and Amos.

Little did anyone know that TT was planning to leave the company.

There was no signature, but of course, there is only one crazy person this could be from. The very same one who has a 3/4 of a page section, but yet turned in 5 pages in 9 pt font this month, an entire article of which could not be used because it was simply a list of contracts (which we have an entirely separate section for), and whose writing style is so completely incoherent that I had to search to find the press releases that he had originally used in order to make his articles make any sense whatsoever. I have no memory of deleting Indonesia or Lebanon from anything last month, but seeing as his policy is simply to cut and paste sentences from press releases and then reorder them to make no sense, and he has no concept of length, I'm sure they were part of a list of 25 countries that the Navy had decided they needed to honor that day, and seeing as we have a magazine to publish, and this is not a lets-honor-Richard-Burns-and-his-achievements-section, I see no reason at all why the fact that he "flew to Bruit to catch up with COMDESDIV 202 to make the first patrols in the Red Sea and Persian Gulf since WWII in the summer months on a WWII DD without air" is relevant.

All I can say is please, please, please never put his old crazy head on my shoulders. Oh, and fire him, because he is worse than useless and taking up a salary that could at least buy us some god damn office chairs that aren't from 1975.

BJ Services

In my tedious process of looking up info on stupid companies today I came across a gem--the history of a company called "BJ Services"

It started like so:
"In 1872, 31-year old inventor Byron Jackson formed the Byron Jackson Company."

It then went through roughly 150 points on the timeline, such as:

When he retired in 1913, Byron Jackson’s name was synonymous with excellence and innovation, a reputation to be protected by future generations of BJ employees.

In June 2000, Nowsco-Fracmaster changed its name to BJ Services Company Canada. This unified all of the Company's worldwide pumping services operations under the BJ brand name.

In November 2001, BJ commissioned the first DP-2 stimulation vessel in the Gulf of Mexico – the BJ Blue Ray – and earned the first Well Stimulation class notation from the American Bureau of Shipping.

In April 2002, BJ Services introduced an advanced stimulation vessel for service offshore Brazil.

With more than $4 billion in annual revenues from combined operations, BJ Services Company is well positioned to lead the industry for years to come.

....So, not to be crude or anything, but... it's literally called BJ Services Company and it specializes in "pumping" and "stimulation"

Sorry, Beethoven

What would the great composers of the classical age think if they could hear their arias and overtures now, reduced to midi ringtones on the cell phone of some 14 year old who, far from recognizing their technical and aural magnificence, is like, shit, my mom's calling....

DC: wtf?

It is currently 68 degrees outside. And I am freezing.

That is all.

Nats v Mets: Showdown

Actually, not really, the Mets pretty much beat their ass without much of a fight.

Highlights:

The white trash lady who disdainfully referred to the man playing saxophone outside the metro as "jazz riff raff"

The toddler behind us squeaking insults at the Mets

The toddler a few rows in front of us with a tan clip on tie sagging on the collar of his red t-shirt

Realizing that the reason one of the guys with us looked familiar to me was because he was at Ilene's birthday party a couple months ago

And of course, the gigantic hot dog whose girth would have impressed even the guy who sent me the e-mail about how "baronesses" once "hee-hawed" at his tiny "member," but no longer, since now that he has been using "Meg-A-Dik," it is "bigger than world"

Story of the Week

This week's story-I-was-not-there-for-but-is-great-nonetheless involves Suzanne's friend, referred to by one who has only heard tell of her as "the high-maintenance one" because she apparently calls daily to complain about her life.

The first time Chris met her they were picking her and some friends up in New York. Another of her friends joked: "I was thinking of you the other day because someone was singing the "Diarrhea Song"

She apparently responded, completely deadpan: "That's fitting. I have diarrhea right now."

Keep in mind this was immediately after getting into Chris' car.

The Orient Express?

I've always wanted to go back in time and take a fabulous trip on the Orient Express. Now Amtrak is starting a new service called the "GrandLuxe Limited." The trips are mainly in the west, but they have ones from Union Station to Miami or Chicago. This is what Fodor's had to say:

"GrandLuxe offers separate cars attached to Amtrak trains, and the experience aims to be very high end -- think five-course dinners, luxurious suites with vintage furnishings and mohogany interiors, personal butler service, four-course meals served on fine china, etc."

and this is what the website had to say about the DC to Miami trip:

"The GrandLuxe Limited on The Silver Meteor
Travel for two days in grand style. Board at Washington's historic rail station next to the nation's Capitol. Traverse America's Southeast through Georgia pines, picturesque riverfront Jacksonville and the St. John River, central Florida's orange groves, Orlando, and Southern Florida's jewels of West Palm Beach and Ft. Lauderdale before arriving in Miami."

How nice would it be to travel for two days in the height of style, spend a few days on the beach in Miami and then fly back up?

As soon as I save up that $789...

(If you book between this November and January, they'll give you a $100 alcohol credit...not bad)

New Receptionist

Sea Technology soon will need a new receptionist.

Luckily, I found him on KingofDeals.com

Who can donate a few dollars to help make this happen?

More "Morality"

A few posts ago I laughed at this "Morality in Media" asshole, but now I am pissed. What is it exactly about a woman's breasts that are offensive? Does this guy not take his shirt off at the beach? I'm going to bet he does, and I'll also bet he doesn't find anything "indecent" or "obscene" about it. I want to find this guy and wave my breasts in his face.

And what the hell does Australia have to do with it? Here's a tip dude: in just about every country in the world except for like, Saudi Arabia, no one gives a shit about seeing breasts.

Ok. I'll give him that seeing Courtney Love naked is gross, but that's for entirely different reasons.

Also, who the hell ever considered the NY Post real news? Has he ever actually seen a copy of the Post, or did someone just warn him that there could be breasts in there...

The following is a statement by Robert Peters: “It is no secret that the New York Post will stoop into the garbage pail now and then to attract ‘readers;’ but while this isn’t the first time a woman has appeared topless in the Post, it is to my knowledge the first time a half-page photograph of a topless woman has appeared in that paper two days in a row. “Perhaps the explanation is as simple as, ‘As it already is in Australia so shall it be in New York, as soon as we can desensitize readers to that which once shocked and offended. If no one complained about celebrity Courtney Love sitting in her birthday suit, with breasts fully exposed except for a few beads, why should anyone complain about an advertisement for jeans depicting a bare breasted woman?’ “Perhaps the Post also wants to ensure that children whose parents have the Post delivered to their homes will receive a proper sex education. “Thankfully, most mainstream newspapers still understand that there is a difference between a monthly magazine like Playboy, which for the most part is purchased by morally challenged adults who enjoy ‘erotic’ nudity along with leisure reading, and a daily newspaper which most people still purchase because they want to stay informed about what is happening in the world, nation, state and city. “Since local TV news has become little more than ‘info-entertainment,’ the local newspaper is one of the few sources of state and local news. The N.Y. Post is also one of the few major city newspapers whose editorial and op-ed pages reflect politically and socially conservative points of view. “Undoubtedly, nudity and other sexually provocative content in the Post will sell papers, just like the same content sells Playboy; but just as many Americans view Playboy with contempt, so many will come to view the Post, and they will read important news and alternative viewpoints elsewhere.” Here's some indecent obscenity for you to put in your pipe and smoke: Go fuck yourself

Suck on That, Lions

Maybe the nature shows are really just skewing things. Doesn't it always seem like the lion catches the poor zebra and eats the shit out of it in those shows? Well this seems like its just a bunch of random tourists on a safari, and they're just like, oh hey, check it out.......Holy CRAP! No they dIN'nt!

I totally don't believe this, but it seems real enough. I think the part where I just gave in to utter disbelief was when the crocodile jumped in.

Don't Order the Fish

No wonder people keep getting sick from China's food products. Check out this sketchtastic e-mail:

DEAR SIRS,

WE OBTAIN YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS FROM THE BOSTON AND BRUSSEL SEAFOOD SHOW.

WE,ARE A MODERN SEAFOOD-PROCESSING FACTORY WITH ADVANCE EQUIPMENTS AND GOOD QUALITY-CONTROLLING SYSTEM.

NOW WE ARE PROCESSING:

1) PACIFIC COD FILLETS/LOINS/PORTIONS,SKINLESS, PBO

2) ATLANTIC COD FILLETS/LOINS/PORTIONS, SKINLESS,PBO

3) ALASKA POLLOCK FILLETS,SKINLESS,PBO/PBI

4) ATLANTIC OCEAN PERCH FILLETS, SKIN-ON,PBI

5) CHUM SALMON FILLETS,13COLOR UP, SKIN-ON OR DEEP SKINNED,OR 4OZ VACUUM

6) JAPANESE SCALLOP ADDUCTOR( IN JUNE)

IF YOU CAN FIND INTEREST,PLEASE KINDLY ADVISE YOUR DETAILS(SUCH AS: GLAZING,STPP,PACKING AND DESTINATION PORT,ETC).

SO THAT WE CAN MAKE YOU FIRM AND OUR MOST COMPETATIVE PRICE.

Please kindly reply to: info@chinabestgroup.com and food@online.ln.cn

Thanks and regards,

XU HONG LIANG

China Best Group

Best Foodstuff (Dalian) Co Ltd

20A-521,GANGWANG STREET,DALIAN CHINA

Tel:86-411-82646601Fax:86-411-82646682

Website:www.chinabestgroup.com

I know that their bad grammar and use of all caps doesn't necessarily mean their fish will poison me, but still. I am really really scared if anyone else who gets this e-mail actually responds

The Greatest Bounty Hunter Who Ever Lived

I get a call last night around 7:00...what am I doing? Why, I'm home of course. But I was told to get my butt to GW, because there were two tickets to see Dog the Bounty Hunter on his speaking tour and it started at 7:30.

So we're in a lecture hall that looks basically like Gannett auditorium if you enlarged it slightly. And added a table out in the hallway that not only was selling bottled water and beer, but had a full rack of liquor for some unknown reason. I mean, I guess when I go to see the Dog, I do kind of want a scotch on the rocks.

After a few minutes of filing in (including the people dressed up with blond mullet wigs adorned with feathers, leather vests, handcuffs, and bottles of Windex with the label "Mace" taped on them and the people furiously reading their copies of "You Can Run, But You Can't Hide") the lights dim...too bad I didn't have a lighter. We did start up a bit of "woofing" to rachet up the mood.

Then, by the light of the camera flashes, it became clear that the Dog was hiding behind the podium. This was to ensure a dramatic entrance, so that when the lights came up and his signature theme song started blasting, he could leap up with his arms raised in a Nixon-esque victory pose.

He was in full Dog form, with his silver-studded cowboy boots, his shiny badge, his decorated mace holster, and, of course, his long, shining, perfectly waved mullet, soothing the crazed fanatic crowd with soft words about Jesus.

He told us the whole story about capturing the rapist in Mexico and then being screwed over by the Mexican police and government (is anyone really surprised?)

His story about his Mexican ordeal was a lot of him talking to the Lord: "I asked the Lord, 'Lord, what's up with this? You know I don't deserve this!' And the Lord said, 'Stop your whining!'" Apparently, Dog's mental Jesus is just as much of a bad ass as Dog himself.

There was a lot of talk about him being the greatest bounty hunter in the world. It could very well be true, since before his show came on I didn't even know bounty hunters were a real thing, I thought the industry was dominated by Bobba Fett. But he told a great story about a rival bounty hunter who was always giving him shit, and then he died. And Dog was talking about how the Bible says that jealousy is a canker in your heart or whatever, and he said, "I was really sorry for him when I heard that he died. I thought, I'm so sorry. So sorry that I was the best."

In fact, you know what he wants on his tombstone?

Here Lies the Greatest Bounty Hunter Who Ever Lived: His Name was "God" Spelled Backwards

So after a lot of telling us to be bad ass tough guys and to go with Christ, it was time for the Q & A portion of the evening. This was undoubtedly the best part. Not least because Beth brought her little self (along with her boobs) out for it.*

Some of the people who made a mad dash for the line behind the mic to ask questions were literally sobbing when they got up there, holding up their books for signatures and asking Dog and Beth what their favorite Bible verses are to pray for them. Some of the requests were kind of disturbing, like the lady who was terrified that her unborn baby was going to die and was begging them to pray for it. Others were just funny though, like the lady who asked them to "bless my Powerball ticket."

Another sobbing girl was asking for advice on how to achieve her lifelong dream of becoming a police officer, even though the police force here had turned her down for having a fused spine. I never realized this was a handicap. I like to think that it makes you made of steel.

Probably the best question though was: "Since you're the greatest bounty hunter in the world, why haven't they asked you to catch Osama bin Laden?" Their awesome answer?? "When they're ready for him to be caught they'll ask us."

Someone also asked why they live in Hawaii, and Beth answered, with a totally straight face, that basically there are too many pedophiles everywhere else. She said something like, "On the mainland, there are a lot of people who would do harm to children. You don't get people like that on the island." And then Dog was like, "Yeah, cause if you do, they don't get registered like here, they disappear!!" But he quickly added, "But not in a malicious way," so I don't know exactly what makes them disappear. Maybe pedophiles are allergic to sun and fun.

On the way out, we saw that they had SWEET t-shirts for sale. Had they not been $25 I totally would be wearing one right now. The best of them had this drawing of Dog, and behind him, kind of hovering over his shoulder, is Jesus. A seriously bad ass Jesus who looks like he's about to put the hurt on someone Old Testament-style.


*Dog also made a few cracks about her gazongas during the evening, including a tale of the first time he saw her after leaving Mexico: "And there, coming around the corner were the two, I mean the one thing I'd wanted to see more than anything in the world."

Restaurant Week

The food was definitely very good at DC Coast, and the wine was really good too. The best part though was probably when the waiter told me that the longer he looked at me the younger I seemed to get until finally he had to check my ID. And he was like, just so you know, it's DC law that if the person looks under 30 you're supposed to card them. And then I couldn't stop giggling because Kenny easily squeaked by the guy's under30dar, but my giggling eventually got him carded too.

As for Georgia Brown's, it wasn't even a planned Restaurant Week trip, it was sort of an oh yeah, it's still Restaurant Week... I had the fried green tomato which was FANTASTIC, but then the fried chicken was just ok. The collard greens were gross, but I can't really blame that on them cause they're pretty much always gross.

The weirdest part about that meal though was that the mashed potatoes tasted exactly like KFC. It was uncanny. So much so that I wonder if that's the effect they were going for, cause it seems like you'd have to try in order to achieve something that weird.

Quail Forever

You know that part in Wedding Crashers where Christopher Walken takes them quail hunting and Owen Wilson says, "I don't even know what the FUCK a quail is!!"

That's the kind of ignorance that Quail Forever is fighting against. If complete dorks with nothing better to do don't band together soon, the consequences could be dire. "If quail habitat continues to disappear, so will the quail…and along with it, quail hunting." Think about it. If there's no more quail hunting, what excuse will Dick Cheney have for shooting people in the face? He might just have to start hunting....you.

Quail Forever Marks Two-Year Anniversary
Over 90 QF chapters have formed in 26 states to lead the road to quail recovery

Saint Paul, Minn. – August 10, 2007 – Today, Quail Forever (QF) celebrates its second anniversary. In the two years since Pheasants Forever (PF) launched QF, over 90 QF chapters have formed in 26 different states, all focused on QF's mission – the conservation of quail and other wildlife populations.

"Young chapters are already initiating habitat projects and youth programs," said Jim Wooley, QF's Director of Field Operations. "Because QF chapters have responded well to QF's locally-driven model. These chapters and members are willing to work hard to raise funds and do the necessary habitat work, because they are able to see the results of that work in their own communities." Like PF, QF employs the unique model of empowering local chapters with 100 percent control of the chapters' locally-raised funds to complete habitat and youth education projects in the chapters' own communities.

But despite the early success of QF chapters, U.S. quail populations remain in trouble. If quail habitat continues to disappear, so will the quail…and along with it, quail hunting.

"Quail need troops, plain and simple," Wooley said, "The only way the plight of this great game bird will change is if enough people care enough to do something about it. Quail need your help."

Check out the website

Not only does Ben Streitz have f'in quail gang cred, but he makes a mean "Cherry Berry Pecan Blast" ....perhaps the secret ingredient is....quail?

FishRap

We get a newsletter at work called "FishRap: The Leader in SoCal Fishing News."

I don't know why we get it.

I thought this quote was funny though:

"This whole last week has been great! We've had super warm, clear blue water between 68 and 72 degrees on the outside with tuna, dorado, yellows, marlin, etc. around. We fished the paddies until they wouldn't bite anymore, and then we jumped in the water with our spearguns and stuck the fish with 'lock-jaw' until we had our limits of dorado and yellowtail."

Something about that last part doesn't seem very sporting to me. Once the fish starting catching on and wouldn't take our lures anymore, we just jumped in the water and fucking speared the shit out of them.

And who said fishing was boring?

Speaking of fishing not being boring.....wtf
Some fisherman for this Price Chopper caught quite the prize. Geez.

I Thought Segregation went out with Brown vs. Board

Imagine my surprise when I saw this ad on Facebook. The flash doesn't work on here, but it had been adding "and still get a degree" at the bottom.

There's a few strange things about this. Some of them are too obvious to even mention, but...

First off: Are they saying that players of these games are too stupid to get into real college? Or just that, while they might not be accepted in most of society, this place understands them and their fantasy ways?

Second, why is this ad on Facebook, where most users have already been to real college? Doesn't it have Myspace written ALL over it? (When I think of Myspace, I get horrible visions of those backgrounds that have fairies and elves dressed in Hot Topic-worthy attire, complete with accompanying death metal music, and things like "Aragorn" and "Nosferatu" listed under "Who I'd like to meet")

Update: Kenny pointed out something that probably should have been obvious, especially to one with knowledge of the /pizza option in Everquest. What the ad is really saying is that you don't even have to stop playing your online fantasy video games to get your degree. So, in other words, it's even sadder than I first thought.

Too obsessed with World of Warcraft to stop playing? Even to eat or to go to college?

Never fear!

Just type in "/college" in your toolbar! You won't even have to sign out of your game! You'll be Dr. Level 70 Night Elf Druid in no time!