The Quotes...

Here, at long last, is the collection of quotes I’ve been slowly amassing over the course of the summer school program. I apologize that it is, of course, incomplete, as I cannot be everywhere at once, and I hope that any fantastic quotes that you overheard in your own houses or classes will be remembered and treasured as well. For those of you not on the program, I hope most of these are still damn funny even if you weren't there for them.
Enjoy!

Diana:

We can’t drink a pint if we get hit by a bus!

I wanna poison that kid’s milk

Nice ass….here’s fifty pence

Do you know what arrogant guys need? A good bout of year-long despair

It feels so good talking about it though, cause then the rage isn’t bottled up inside cankering my heart into stone

I would sacrifice a cow for a waffle right now

Now I’m just gonna think of God as J.R.R. Tolkien

Making babies is nothing compared to sexual passion

I need to stop studying and start watching cartoons, my life would be so much better

I wish I had my pellet rifle….

No Snapple in Heaven? Guess Josh is goin to Hell…

Marlee:

If I was me I’d make fun of myself

On whether Maddie is a virgin:
I think you had letter sex! Sperm can live for like three hours—if he express mailed that shit??

That’s what she said!...that’s what I said? He said? Who said it?

Can you imagine if I was a doctor? I mean, if I had my doctrine?

I wanted to go running, but then I realized I’d have to blow dry my hair again and I was like, ew. And then I ate, and then I took a nap, and then I took a shower. Wait, no I didn’t.

What year is it? 2005?

I’m a prude whore

Do they have TV in England? Do they have running water? Do they have chicken?

“People are always like, are you the younger sister? And I’m like, NO! I’m the one buying her…(notices the Dean of her college standing right next to her)….nothing….”

Jeff and EJ:
(combined just because they are in my head)

Jeff: I had a dream I was being sodomized by a bear!
EJ: That was me, sorry

EJ: We’re gonna send you lots of late-night drunk texts
Jeff: In elegiac couplets

EJ: I think we drank all the freedom brews…

Jeff: My ass is wetter than a virgin on her wedding night!

Jeff: Did you make all of creation?? Then show a little respect!

Brent:

I’m gonna call up Budweiser, it’s only like one o’clock there, and be like, you’ve got this lion on these, a British lion no less, and I’m gonna blow up your factory when I get home.

Christina:

If a seagull came down our chimney I would totally mace it.
I have no problems macing things

I threw him in the street….it wasn’t hard, he was small. He was French.

Josh:

I’m starting to wonder if my heathenism is the way to go…

You’re so cute Christina! I need to find a shorter, fatter version of you!

What if I get allergic to Snapple???

I like novels, I don’t like [waves hands frantically—which I take to mean “fun”]

Robert:

On visiting the 13-15 year olds at Rugby School:
The one girl was usin’ some words that I had to think through, you know, context clues and all that.

We sat with the girls’ house, it was alright. Sorta Facts of Life.

Chris:

You’re a microwave!

Carlyn:

Seriously, we have the Last Supper in our refrigerator right now

Jacki:

Did you see Jeff light himself on fire??? I don’t know how he did it….
It must be all that alcohol seeping out of his pores….

Cathryn Spence:

I finally got the copier to work today, it didn’t even break after I was done!
(Looks at her copies)
….. I told it to sort!!

The Chaplain:

Aslan’s so crunchy

C.S. Lewis:

In the heat of composition I find that I have inadvertently allowed myself to assume the form of a large centipede

Conversations

(Thunder)
The Chaplain: Before the apocalypse hits….
Jeff: Ow
Christina: That would be the appropriate sound…

English Guys: Enjoy America!
Lauren: Enjoy…England…

The Chaplain: You didn’t see that grading criteria? On the quality of your soul?
Diana: Crap. I was shootin’ for an A

Some British Lady: Excuse me, my son would like to know where you bought your jeans
Robert: ….America

Lauren: I know a lot of fat little kids that got thin as they grew up
Kathy: Yeah, they just got taller

Marlee: So you wanna be a teacher?
Ramona: Yeah
Marlee: I’m gonna move to your town, wherever you live, and I’m gonna send my kids to your school!!
Ramona: Please don’t
Marlee: Why??
Ramona: Cause they might be like you

Diana: I only had three pints of Stella! Somebody put roofies in my drink, there’s no way that was ordinary beer…
The Chaplain: Stella is not ordinary beer

Christina: You don’t have buy a ticket, usually they won’t care…especially if they’re men of a certain age. And you just…[Bends over and pulls collar of her shirt down]
Diana: Christina!! You naughty naughty virgin!

Jeff: Where’d you get that kickin’ t-shirt?
Josh:I don’t know, the sale rack?

Diana, on Lindsay Lohan being emaciated now and Lauren needing to see it:
I hope she stays skinny and doesn’t put on weight before we get back to the States…and don’t die on me Lindsay!
Lauren: I can always look at retrospective pictures…
Diana: Oh, right. Ok Lindsay, ok with the donut

Marlee: Did you have a good time Robert?
EJ: Yeah he did! He hung out with us
Marlee: Oh my god Robert! Are you ok??

Jessica: What do people do in Bristol?
Josh: There’s no slave trade anymore, so I don’t know

The Chaplain: Remember that one of our colleagues is from the South…
Josh: Really?? Who?
(Katie raises her hand)
Josh: You don’t look like it!
Jeff: What did you expect?? Piece of straw hanging out of her mouth? Overalls?