Man Junk

I am 98 percent sure this is a real product. I'd say 100 percent, seeing as they took the time and effort to ensure that I got a press release about it, and they have a sweet website...but, after reading both of those things, I'm still not entirely convinced.

Nevertheless, let's subject their claims to a close reading.

"Man Junk Launches Innovative Personal Care Product: Organic, Deep-Cleansing Intimate Body Wash for Men

Exclusive Line Enters $12 Billion Personal Care Market

LOS ANGELES, August 20, 2008 — Man Junk, the exclusive brand of men’s personal care solutions, today launched its debut product: an organic, deep-cleansing intimate body wash.
Tackling the sensitive issue of male private hygiene in a unique and open way, Man Junk’s philosophy is based upon a commitment to improve the health and sex lives of men across the globe.

“It’s time to get private hygiene into the public eye and stop ignoring the real needs of men worldwide,” said Rowett. “Man Junk addresses a growing cleanliness concern while helping to refresh and replenish an area that is often disregarded.”
A much-overlooked aspect of personal care, poor male hygiene can lead to inflammation, bacteria buildup, STD transmission, and even the increased risk of penile cancer. Man Junk cleans gently but effectively, working against bacteria deposits and other odor-causing agents, while leaving the body moisturized and soft to the touch.

A product for such a critically sensitive area requires painstaking attention to detail in both the selection and formulation of ingredients. A task Mr. Rowett has been focused on for over two years.

Already a proven innovator in social technology, Mr. Rowett is using innovative approaches to educate the active consumer base that Man Junk appeals to. Initiatives such as Man Junk TV, the ‘Clean or Dirty’ Facebook application and Man Junk's pledge to donate proceeds towards Prostate Cancer Research all exemplify an ethical business model."

First of all, is there really a "growing cleanliness concern"? I'm pretty sure that the advent of soap, shampoo, toothbrushes, and showers have all been major milestones in the history of cleanliness. I think Queen Elizabeth took something like two baths in her entire life. You can bet she needed to "refresh and replenish" her area, but a guy who showers once a day? He's probably alright. Plus, I highly doubt that too many men are disregarding that region. Just a hunch.

The immediate question that comes to mind of course is, what's wrong with soap? Man Junk has an answer for that too. "Any product that's made to clean your neck, back, ass or legs isn't going to provide the specific levels of odor fighting and skin treatment that Man Junk does." I'm not exactly sure what products out there are designed specifically to clean a man's ass...however I would kind of hope that they provide odor fighting...

"On top of our commitment to men around the world, all the guys at our office use MJ daily. Don't put anything on your downstairs captain that the creators themselves aren't using."

Downstairs captain!

"Men sweat. Not the hot sweat that women get going out on the dance floor, but the rank perspiration that makes any interested party turn 180 degrees and make a beeline for the door.

Luckily, you've got Man Junk as a wingman.

Gone are the worries of funk down under, dry skin or dead-skin build-up. Instead, you're packing something smooth, clean, and dying to make an acquaintance."

Those are their italics, not mine. Ok. So, are they saying that if you don't wash your junk with their specific product, that women are going to smell it on the dance floor and run away? Are they really saying that? I won't even get into the "wingman" idea.

"Avoid getting embarrassed when out with a potential encounter or even with a partner of years. Man Junk cleanses and refreshes the entire male anatomy, heightening the pleasure of love making and giving your confidence a boost before heading to the bedroom."

Even if you assume that they aren't actually claiming it will get a woman to sleep with you and are only saying that it will make her happier when she does, I don't really think that too many women expect to find Mr. Clean down there. Plus, does it really smell as bad as they're making it out? Since this product was only introduced today, I think I can guarantee that I've never been with anyone who used it, and they all smelled fine...

Lastly, there are the "coming soon" products. MJ Express, Smooth, and Intimate sound about equal in weird/grossness, but what the F is MJ Dust? "Think of it like fairy dust but without the winged, mythical creatures. Oh, it still has magic. Man Junk magic!" What?