Chicago Town

I know that sometimes—maybe more often than I realize—I find things funny that others find no humor in. This might be one of those times, but I also think that you should appreciate the hilarity of this, so bear with me…

So I got some frozen pizza here (that’s not the funny part, don’t give up on me yet) and as I’m waiting for it to cook I decide to read the box. You know. For kicks. Turns out it’s a classic case of British humor.

First off, the brand is called “Chicago Town.” That’s pretty funny on its own I think. So I’m reading, and here’s what the nice folks at Chicago Town have to say about their pizza:

“Chicago Town Pizzas are the most versatile pizzas that you can buy! You can cook ‘em in the microwave in just three minutes, or in the oven.”

Um…the concept of a pizza being “versatile” is kind of foreign to me anyway, but especially if the reason is because you can cook it in the microwave or the oven. I think that would be the case with the majority of frozen food…

But it continues:

“The unique deep dish base is filled with tasty toppings right to the edge.”

Ok, now I know this is bullshit, “unique” my ass, Chicago Town did not invent the deep dish pizza.

“And because they’re individual you can serve them as a snack on the run or as a main meal.”

So maybe this is returning to the versatile idea? Either way, it doesn’t make any sense. What would be the difference between eating them as a snack or a main meal?

“No wonder Chicago Town is America’s best selling frozen pizza!”

This was the point at which I was like, ok, I need to record this for posterity. Cause, um, What?? Have any of you ever heard of Chicago Town pizza? I guess it’s possible that New York is the only corner of America that doesn’t love Chicago Town, but considering that I don’t think an American pizza company would market their product as “American Style Deep Dish Pizza” or say “Manufactured in the UK” on the box, I’m calling bullshit.

Even after this grievous crime, they go on to say,

“If you’re a fan of Chicago Town pizzas, you’ll love the taste of our other products. Chicago Town offers a fantastic range of frozen snacks and meals, each with the American flavours, quality ingredients, and generous portions that Chicago Town is known for. We’re sure you’ll agree: Chicago Town—It’s a Great Place to Live!”

I don’t know if you caught this, but that whole American flavours part, yeah, besides the fact that most American products aren’t all about hawking the American-ness of their flavors, it’s the fucking British spelling.

And the generous portions? BULLSHIT. Yeah I’m a citizen of the fattest country in the world, but due to how little I eat Amos has decided that I in fact live purely off poking at my food in an osmosis process of absorbing nutrients—that just so happens to take a very long time. And I’M saying that I’m still hungry after that pizza. I guess its versatility decided that it was in “snack” mode.

And one of those “quality ingredients”? “flavouring” That’s all the explanation we get. Since we’ve already heard that Chicago Town products are chock full of “American flavours,” I assume this means “extract of some Chicago homeless guy”

And what is with that motto??

Ok, side note, as I was scouring the box I noticed the whole “Keep Frozen, Do not Defrost” warning. Which makes sense as they are “frozen” pizzas. I, however, due to my extreme dumbassity, have kept this in the refrigerator for like a week. Good thing “American Style” also means “made of all man-made ingredients without anything biodegradable or natural enough to allow the growth of bacteria.” The pizza came through unscathed. I assume that cardboard taste is just the taste of home.