bored+narcissistic=blog

DC FAIL

2010-08-19T00:10:00.004-04:00

It's almost time for our primary in DC—which can be considered our election since we're a one-party oligarchy—and I've just received my voter guide in the mail.

I'll confess, I haven't been paying much attention to the election so far, but I do actually want to participate and make an informed decision, so I decided to read through the candidate statements. Of the five Democratic Party candidates for mayor, three of them have statements that are written relatively reasonably (there are still quite a few errors, but apparently you can't expect people to edit something they are using as their main pitch to voters—hey, it's DC, it's not like we have a high literacy rate).

Two of them, however, are really tragically bad. Coincidentally(?), these are the two candidates who emphasize their upbringing in DC public schools...

Let me just copy them here. (emphasis theirs)

Sulaimon Brown
Vote Sulaimon Brown for Mayor, Democratic Political Strategist—Brown has a financial background, worked on the CAFR (Comprehensive Annual Financial Report) audit of Washington DC. He worked on the political campaigns of President Barack Obama, former Assistant Attorney General Ron Magnus, council member Michael Brown, and Mayor Adrian Fenty. Brown a Ward 5 resident, attended Kelly Miller, Duke Ellington, and graduated from the University of the District of Columbia with a Bachelor of Business Administration degree in Accounting. Platform: Reduce the 12% unemployment rate; 50% dropout rate in our schools; and the highest HIV/ Aids rate in the United States.

Ernest E. Johnson
Ernest E. Johnson is 60 years old 3rd generation Washingtonian that attended DC public schools: Shaw, Banneker, Cardozo and 6 years at the American University majoring in the Administration of Justice.

Mr. Johnson is a published Author and owns Johnson & Johnson Realty. A Community Activist and Discipline of Christ that has worked behind the scenes in every major campaign in the District of Columbia: Walter E. Washington, Marion Barry's Chief strategist in 1978 and Anthony William's election as Mayor. Served as a member of the DC Apprenticeship Council, Columbia Heights Development Corporation, Respected relationship with the U.S. Congress.

I don't even know where to begin. I don't think it's asking too much of our mayoral candidates to expect them to be able to construct a sentence with a subject AND a verb. Adding unnecessary colons and dashes does not in fact negate the need for both of these elements. And I'd like to know what a "Discipline" of Christ is.

This really makes me concerned for my city. I would hope that our community leaders would at least be relatively educated, and even if writing just isn't their strong point, was there really no one in their life who could have read over their statement to voters on why they should be mayor? Anyone who could have told them that they were actually a "60-year-old third-generation Washingtonian"?? No one?

I know Fenty's got his problems, but if these are our alternatives...

Laser Beam Arc Hybrid

2010-01-29T10:42:00.004-05:00

I just got this in a press release from a Japanese company. It is apparently a picture of "laser beam arc hybrid welding" (which, actually now that I think about it, does sound pretty freakin awesome). But when I printed this out, I totally thought it was a picture of a giant robot firing lasers out of his arm at first. And that Japan had finally succeeded in instigating the robot apocalypse. And were considerate enough to draft a press release.

Ridiculous Press Relase of the Day

2010-01-08T13:13:00.003-05:00

"Babymoons and Cruise Line Rules for your Pre-Baby Romantic Getaway

Babymoon – a vacation designed for expectant parents – provides a well-timed and much-needed respite from the pre-baby schedule. It’s an opportunity to relax before your lives are changed forever by the arrival of your new bundle of joy."

Ok, I realize that having a baby ends your life forever, but really, travel industry? You're hurting so bad that you had to invent "Babymoon"?

Relax and spend time together now before your horrible life as parents begins and you slowly spiral into spitefulness and resentment. Have sex, for what will probably be one of the last times ever. At least until it's time for bundle of joy #2...

Even worse than the "Hug Me Blanket"

2010-01-08T13:02:00.000-05:00

Wtf Japan. Seriously.

Irony...

2009-09-04T14:10:00.001-04:00

I have a coupon to Mcdonalds. I would like a filet o fish...

but the Mcdonalds is like three blocks away and down a big hill that i would then have to walk back up.

I can't decide which of my fatty tendencies are going to win out in this situation.

Hmm 2 inch fish, definitely worth more than Sean Hannity

2009-08-13T15:17:00.001-04:00

Outraged California Farmers Demand Obama Administration’s Help
“All you got to do is turn the pumps on”

Sean Hannity, FOX News
8/11/09

Hannity: Update on a story we covered back in May. The Central Valley of California was once considered the bread basket of America. But now farms all over that region have been allowed to dry up. Now why? Because of a 2-inch minnow on the endangered species list. Now, environmentalists claim that the fish was getting caught in the water pumps that provided the farms with water. So to protect the tiny fish, the pumps turned off. Farmers were left high and dry and entire communities are now feeling the impact. Some towns in the area are facing unemployment rates up to 40 percent. Many residents are now forced to visit food banks. The people of that great area have had enough and they are speaking out tonight. Joining me live from California is Congressman Devin Nunes and comedian and activist Paul Rodriguez. I don’t know if we can get a shot, it looks like you have over a thousand people there is that right?

Rodriguez: Well over a thousand people. This is a testament of your message is getting to these people. They have been out here for hours. The only water this field has seen is our sweat. It's more than we have gotten from the government.

Hannity: Paul, we have had you on about this before. I want you to tell the entire story. It's almost unfathomable.

Rodriguez: People don't believe it.

Hannity: Tell everybody.

Rodriguez: The problem is the environmental laws are not flexible at all. The very judge that pushed this order to cut off the water said that there was no swivel room to make accommodations for human beings. This fish takes priority. All the water is being held back. We are left right with nothing. Right here where we are at, this used to be an almond orchard. We grew some of the sweetest almonds ever, now it's firewood. Do you want some? Nobody believes it. That’s how I got involved, my mother is from here.

Hannity: Farms are dried up. No water, no production. People are losing their jobs. How many people are out of work there?

Rodriguez: Well, you know, the system varies but a lot of people here aren't working. That's why we are here. We are here to show America, this is our own town hall meeting here, Sean. We are so wrap up in this issue we don't have time to worry about health care. Everything around us is dead. Our way of life is dying here. We tried to have the Administration come to see about us. We haven't heard. They send the Secretary of the Interior here. He gave us some nice lip service and said oh we are going to do this and do that. The end we didn't get no water. Our fields are drying out. Something has to be done.

Hannity: First, Paul, you were an Obama supporter?

Rodriguez: Yes, absolutely. Like everybody else, we wanted change. We didn't think it would be this kind of change. But you know, he kept his promise, we got change.

Hannity: Where are you now? I heard you want to call Fresno County an Obama country?

Rodriguez: We want to name -- we would like to name it after someone who is responsible for this. Look, we have sent a letter signed by every mayor in this whole area to President Obama telling them that we’ve tried to go through the chain of command. We saw the Secretary of Interior, we saw his assistant. We went to Sacramento; we went over there to Washington D.C. We went everywhere. Everybody is paying us lip service. At the end of the day our trees can't wait. Our trees are going to wait for a law that may be passing. Two gates, no gates, at the end of the gait gate, nobody is bringing us water.

Hannity: Congressman, how is this possible?

Nunes: It's unbelievable, Sean. We tried on the House floor this summer, about five or six different times and we only got handful of Democrat votes each time. We’ve tried to pass something. Nancy Pelosi is the Speaker of the House, she is from California. We have over 10% unemployment in California. We are sitting with trees that are only 8 years old right now that are now sitting here dead, dried out. There’s a half a million acres of farmland. It's bigger than the size of Rhode Island that's now dry because of these fools.

Rodriguez: The loser here is the American people. Because live in the most fertile valley in this planet. Everything you put on the ground here grows. You are going to eventually by next spring you are going to get your vegetables from china. I understand they make great baby milk formula.

Nunes: Sean, let me add something on this. This is, you know, in China and India, and Brazil, they're building water infrastructure projects . In California, not only are we not building projects here, we are taking the projects we have and they are shut off and they are starving this valley of water.

Rodriguez: We would like to have the same consideration that they have for the plants they're building in Iraq. For crying out loud they are getting water projects. Here in this valley, look we have no other recourse. We want to thank you a lot, Sean. Nobody else has pointed their eye on this problem. To us there is a lot -- we understand that the President has serious problems with health care and all these things. To us this is our livelihood.

Nunes: All you got to do is turn the pumps on. [cheers]

Hannity: I don't know if anybody can hear me out there, you guys. I want to say this to the crowd. The people in this area need jobs. They need their farms. They need the water for their farms. And the federal government, where is Barack Obama, where is Nancy Pelosi, where is Harry Reid? Turn the water on and let the people of Central California eat. I can't believe I’m eating debating this, Paul.

Rodriguez: It's ridiculous. I have not lost faith yet. Maybe I’m a knuckle head. We have sent the letter. We're still hoping that Mr. Obama will see it in his busy schedule to come down here and visit us. We believe that – seeing is believing. If he sees the faces on these people. We are not just white or brown. We are everybody here. This is a microcosm of America here. We are farmers. We bring food to your table.

Hannity: Are you going to run for office?

Rodriguez: Who me? The only thing I’m going to run is from the cops. No, this area needs someone with an education. I'm not smart enough to be that. I just want water to my mom's farm and I’m back to telling jokes.

Nunes: I'm working on him. I'm trying to get him to run.

Rodriguez: You should run, Sean. You are the man.

Hannity: Listen. I mean this sincerely. I think this is really important. I hope the President is watching or somebody will bring this to his attention and somebody has got to turn the water back on. We have got to save these farmers. We have got to save these farms. We have got to do it for the people out there.

Rodriguez: Either that or put us on the endangered species list. [cheers]

Safe Driving

2009-05-30T14:49:00.002-04:00

I got a new copy of my car insurance policy today, and it says "There are no male or unmarried female drivers under age 25 assigned to this car."

Ok, so I'm aware of the car insurance industry's unfair policy toward young men (despite being backed up by statistics, still unfair). But what's with this "unmarried" thing? Have I been being charged more all this time for not having a ring on my finger? And that would make me a safer driver how, exactly?

Snuggie Rip Off?

2009-02-18T15:44:00.004-05:00

Is this a total Snuggie rip off?

But it doesn't seem possible that it could have the same exact slogan, same price, and same weirdo "free gift."

I am deeply suspicious...

No-No

2009-02-17T11:20:00.004-05:00

The Thinking C.A.P.P. Foundation had this "note to press": "We encourage you to use our internationally recognized safety symbol of Mr. No-No"

First of all, I don't really believe that this colored pencil drawing scanned into Microsoft Word is actually an "internationally recognized symbol." Second, it is frightening me.

Hollywood, we need to talk

2009-02-16T01:06:00.002-05:00

Is it just me, or does this Fired Up movie seem pretty sexist? From what I can tell, two high school jocks decide to become cheerleaders just to get laid, find the girls unbearably annoying, and then they bring the shitty team to greatness, even though they were just there to pick up chicks and don't know anything about cheerleading.

You're on thin ice already Hollywood for making nothing but remakes and sequels and exhuming my childhood (G.I. Joe, Transformers 2 AND Streetfighter???). At least when other cheerleading movie trailers have made me want to barf it wasn't because I felt like they were maligning my sex.

I make ad good

2009-02-13T16:40:00.003-05:00

This ad was on my facebook page and it's so wonderfully bad. Look at the horribly photoshopped hands holding the check and then the "Google $$$" that looks like a two year old made it on his Fisher Price laptop.

Son of Light, Light of God

2009-02-13T14:43:00.001-05:00

Apparently the media have actually been interested in this guy. And it's even better than I thought.

FRIDAY THE MOTHERF**ING 13TH OMGGGG

2009-02-13T13:20:00.003-05:00

The crazytowns over at SatanisBarack.com have struck my inbox yet again.

"PRESS RELEASE
News Article from 247 News Net
www.247news.net

Click the Google Link in this article and see the TIME STAMP article from GOOGLE proving Sollog gave the exact date of Flight's 3047 Crash in his famous Xmas 2007 Prophecies about a future plane crash. We're sure many of you in the media would love to interview Sollog. So that's why you have the email address above. He's doing interviews for a short time. HE HATES THE PRESS!"

I'm so eager to interview a mental patient that hates me.

"WE ARE CALLING IT THE FRIDAY THE 13th PLANE CRASH, since the NEWS STORY broke on FRIDAY the 13th, even though the crash site had a little of an hour left before it was FRIDAY THE 13th. IN MOST OF THE WORLD IT WAS ALREADY FRIDAY THE 13th. So don't email me, it wasn't FRIDAY THE 13th. It WAS when the story broke and around most of the world it was! "

I'm beginning to get a sneaking suspicion whoever wrote this release was a 12 year old...

"HERE'S PROOF, Google TIME STAMPED the Prophecy since it was put into Usenet 16 months ago. See for yourself, when the DOW was at the top, Sollog said CRASH, it did. The historic rise in Oil happened 9 months later and Barack sure took THE THRONE of POWER. Hillary was the favorite then. Here's the TIME STAMPED GOOGLE PAGE

Oh, SOLLOG PUT THE EXACT DATE OF THE CRASH in the verse on THE CRASH 122 appears in the verse, 12/2 or 12th day of February, so, SOLLOG KNEW THE DATE.

Here is the VERSE, EXACTLY as he wrote it, capitals tell the story and look at the numbers 1 2 2 appears IN REVERSE.

III
Another rash of PLANE CRASHES
2 Planes collide in the AIR
2 Planes collide on the GROUND
1 Plane explodes in the Air

LOOK ABOVE, see 122, now look at this TIME STAMPED GOOGLE PROPHECY from 16 months ago, BANG, IT'S REAL! Sollog KNOWS EXACT DATES, do you want to talk to him world media? I just did! HA HA HA. Beat you to it. HERE'S PROOF I'm not joking. SOLLOG HIT THE EXACT DATE! The LEGEND OF SOLLOG JUST GOT BIGGER! "

Ok, so do I have this straight? He wrote the date in European style, day first then month. But he did this in reverse... so it's not Jan. 22 or Feb. 21...Also, it's actually 2/13, as we saw above, AND DON'T EMAIL THAT IT WASN'T BECAUSE IT TOTALLY WAS. Also, the plane crashed into the ground, not into another plane in the air, or on the ground, or by itself in the air. But ignore that, it's not important.

And then I realized it was my same boys from my favorite crazy anti-Obama website when he finished off with this:

"Sollog is the person who almost a year ago released the LUKE 10:18 verses about Jesus claiming LIGHTNING IS SATAN.

Sollog a Hebrew Rabbi pointed out almost a year ago that LIGHTNING in Hebrew is BARACK or Betch Resh Qoph.

Blessed in Hebrew is Beth Resh Kaph BARAK. So, Barack is LIGHTNING or SATAN if you believe in the New Testament...

Check out SATAN IS BARACK the music is by REX LUCIFERIUS (HA HA HA)"

If this makes any sense to you, I strongly suggest you visit a psychiatrist immediately.

S. 22

2009-02-12T09:52:00.003-05:00

There's a bill in Congress right now that would expand national parks. Sounds good, right? Not according to Gunowners of America. Apparently, you're not allowed to carry a concealed weapon in a national park, therefore, national parks hate freedom.

Daily Show wisdom

2009-02-09T23:25:00.001-05:00

Guy on the daily show: "news shouldn't be ad supported, because then you're not beholden to the readers, you're working for the advertisers."

EXACTLY my magazine's problem. So apparently the solution is charging people for it.

Irony

2009-02-09T13:53:00.002-05:00

While I'm sure this show is a bunch of bullshit, it's kind of funny that the media is considering silencing a documentary about how the media silences these people. Oops!

"TV station delays decision to air program produced by American Family Association because it is controversial

Tupelo, MS – Television station WSYX in Columbus, Ohio, has delayed a decision on airing a television program produced by American Family Association (AFA). The program, “Speechless …Silencing the Christians,” was scheduled to air Saturday night on the ABC affiliate station.

“We were surprised that WSYX agreed to air the program, and then decided to revisit its decision,” said AFA chairman Donald E. Wildmon.

He said “Speechless … Silencing the Christians” is a program about how the mainline media silences Christians by not allowing their voice to be heard."

Boca Knights

2009-02-09T11:59:00.002-05:00

We have a books column in our magazine, and for some reason we only get releases from authors who like to write about everyman characters who become superheroes and fight ruthless billionaires.

The latest installment in this saga of book press releases, Boca Knights:

A superhero at large in Boca Raton – retirement proves way too tame for this fearless ex-cop

Boca Raton, FL, February 5, 2008 - Eddie Perlmutter comes from a long line of fighters – his grandfather survived life under siege from Cossacks in Russia, before he moved to Boston. To survive life in this tough city, this little Jewish kid proved himself to be quite the amateur boxer. He became a cop – the one and only thing he ever wanted to be – and managed to survive a tough career in one piece. When it comes time to retire, the widowed Eddie decides to move to Boca Raton, Florida since his well worn body had had enough of th e New England winters. Trouble seems to find Eddie after he discovers there is a very dark side of life lurking under the tranquility of this scenic paradise. Country-club politics and early-bird specials are not enough for this tough ex-cop who gets back in the game by singlehandedly busting up a ring of Russian counterfeiters, winning the gratitude and respect of the local police chief. Realizing how this fearless maverick and his aversion to injustice could be a benefit, the chief drops a subliminal hint to Eddie that he should get his private investigator’s license. Unfortunately, the one thing Eddie didn’t count on was becoming the local hero, the Knight of Boca Raton.

Move over Dirty Harry, there is a new superhero in town, complete with arthritic knees, only this cop isn’t in New York or Chicago – he’s in Boca Raton – not exactly your normal hotbed of crime!

SatanisBarack.com

2009-02-04T13:55:00.003-05:00

Actual email subject: PRESS RELEASE - Satan Is Barack .com launches with Music Video by Rex Luciferius

Awesome. Now if I could only figure out what on Earth this press release is saying...

"Ninth Level .com (www.NinthLevel.com) has just launched www.SatanIsBarack.com with a new music video by Ninth Level artist Rex Luciferius (www.RexLuciferius.com)

The video features the Luke 10:18 verse where Jesus named SATAN as Lightning. Barack or Beth Resh Qoph is BARACK in Hebrew."

What? MAKE SENSE!

Also, don't you Christian types really want the world to end? In which case, shouldn't Sarah Palin have done all she could to make Barack win?

...Wait a second, it all makes sense now.

So that's why his back taxes don't quite add up

2009-02-03T15:49:00.005-05:00

I can't help but feel like we're not getting the whole story here...

Five Best Places to Meet Guys

2009-02-03T11:18:00.002-05:00

We got this little gem of a press release today about the five best places to meet guys.

What I learned:

The best place for hot guys is apparently Chipotle. I guess this makes sense. Guys do like burritos.

The best place to find a date? Whole Foods. This must be a Social Safeway kind of thing. Personally, I don't really scope for guys when I shop for groceries, but I think if I did I wouldn't have much luck, considering my Whole Foods is in the Dupont/Logan area and I think most of those guys are already taken. By guys.

Best place to meet a sexy, fit guy...triathalons. While I can't disagree with the logic there, I do have a little problem with the fact that it requires you to do triathalons...

As if there weren't enough weird on this list, the best place to be a single woman is supposedly Alaska. Ostensibly, this is because according to the census, "Alaska has 114 men for every 100 single women." First off, they're not specifying that those 100 men are single, so that could be a problem. Second, it's Alaska, so aren't most of them off at sea catching snow crab or driving on an ice road? This is what the Discovery channel has led me to believe at least.

And finally.... hit the playground on a Saturday. The reasoning being that single dads will be there with their kids. But you know what other kind of single man might be there?

I really hope these are not actually the five best options.

Minutemen: Learn English

2009-01-21T09:50:00.002-05:00

For an organization that's so worried about the corruption of the English language by immigrants, they sure don't know how to use the apostrophe.

"Thank you Minutemen. You Make the Difference!
Millions of Phone Calls
Hundreds of Thousands of Faxes
Tens of Thousands of FEDX Letters
Rally's and Demonstrations
Petitions
Making the Government Do It's Job

The Fight Against Illegal Alien's is Not Over"

Bananas and Old Bay

2009-01-07T20:02:00.001-05:00

Gchat status: What can I cook with my pound of old bay?

Amos
7:40
bananas!
Lauren
7:41
bananas and old bay?
Amos
7:43
wait, maybe i was thinking of parrot bay
7:43
what is old bay?

Chipotle solves world hunger

2009-01-07T16:40:00.001-05:00

Rebecca:
the first time i looked up a chipotle burrito's calorie count
man what a shocker
like, we should send chipotle burritos to africa
it's like a brick of energy for your whole day

Recession: Brought to you by Bud Light

2008-12-07T14:30:00.000-05:00

There's a sign in front of a bar downtown that says:

"Thank you for your patronage over the last 10 years, we will be closing December 19."
Great Taste, goes down smooth. Bud Light.

Really Bud Light? You're sponsoring the bar shuttering signs now?

Is Dunkin Donuts Channeling Palin?

2008-12-04T23:20:00.001-05:00

I just saw a Dunkin Donuts commercial that claimed that their coffee was preferred by more "hardworking Americans" in a blind taste test with Starbucks. You're obviously supposed to think that it's just plain better, but I couldn't help but notice the hardworking qualifier. Also, the people being polled in the commercial are a construction worker, taxi driver, and so on. Are they taking advantage of the Hillary Clinton/Sarah Palin distinction between "working" and "real" Americans and everyone else? (i.e., Starbucks drinking, argula eating Americans)

Commercials, I hate you

2008-11-24T20:53:00.000-05:00

I really didn't think it was possible, but TV commercials have pissed me off even more. This is another jewelry commercial, but it actually doesn't imply that you're a bad husband if you don't buy your wife expensive jewelry. Instead, it tells women they NEED to buy jewelry.

"These days, I watch every dollar I spend."

"But I still NEED to buy my jewelry" (in whiny voice).

"It's the one luxury that for me, really is a necessity. And, it completes my look!"

EWWW. I hope your husband divorces you when he realizes you've spent the grocery budget on something to "complete your look."

Obama Campaign, I am not your rich aunt....

2008-10-30T18:09:00.000-04:00

Ok, wtf Obama campaign. I'm behind you 100%, I want to win, and I understand that takes bank. However, lately, you're kind of making me feel like a mom with a teenager. I'm all for giving you money if you really need it, but when I see you spend millions on a Baracommercial which may or may not help anything (in fact, it could piss people off who could see a number of better ways to be spending 4 million dollars, like, I don't know, myself), and then the next day get the following email, my desire to continue paying out to you is significantly diminished.

Lauren --

I'm the Chief Financial Officer for Barack Obama's campaign. I track the donations coming in and the expenses going out.

I asked for the opportunity to write to you directly so that I could try to explain what's happening right now.

This organization has thousands of employees and spends millions of dollars a day -- and at the moment we're doing it without a safety net.

Our spending plans have been stretched by John McCain's negative attacks and the overwhelming resources of the Republican National Committee.

As of October 15th, John McCain and the RNC together had nearly $20 million more in cash than the combined total of Obama for America and the DNC. And just this week, we're facing new and unexpected spending against us in Montana and West Virginia.

Your incredible generosity has gotten us this far. But right now we need your help more than ever to get this campaign across the finish line.

Please donate $25 or whatever you can afford right now.

Ok...the major problem with this is if they are poorer than McCain and the RNC, that is totally 1,000 percent their fault, since both their campaign and the DNC have outfundraised the shit out of them this season (a result of the million dollar infomercial, perhaps?). Also, what's with the "new and unexpected spending against us in Montana and West Virginia." Why are they even wasting money on these states anyway? If they go blue, that would be some kind of miracle, and also miraculously unnecessary. McCain has to defend them because he's fighting for his life, but how about we just pool our resources and focus on the important stuff, like PA, VA, FL, and OH? If we win all of those, and Montana and WV's combined eight electoral votes go to McCain, I think I can live with that.

Repent (and give us ur credit card info)

2008-10-13T14:10:00.000-04:00

I just got an email from Repent Today (repent.today07@yahoo.com.mx) (reply to: eternannlife_injesuschrist5@yahoo.fr) with the subject "Ur Eternity? NO REPENTANCE IN THE GRAVE!! 666-Reject it"-Rev-13-8-18."

Beloved,CHRIST,pleads with men,"U AND I" to accept the gift of eternal

life.(red-Acts-4-12)REPENT!

- Repent Today

I'm still trying to figure out how my repentance would make this person money.

In addition, when did God start using textspeak? What part of Revelation uses "Ur"?

Meteor

2008-10-07T09:43:00.001-04:00

When I read that this would be spectacular for witnesses in Sudan, the first thing I thought of was that I hope they don't attack any "witches" over it.

I'm blaming this sad and probably racist thought on Sarah Palin's pastor.

Learning to deal with your beast

2008-10-02T13:27:00.000-04:00

We got a press release today saying that, in honor of National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, Dr. Anthony Youn, a board-certified plastic surgeon, is available to speak on how women with implants can build knowledge and confidence with conducting breast self exams while debunking myths that are associated with women and breast implants.

Not inherently funny on its own (Ok, maybe a little funny).

The really funny part comes at the end:
"Dr. Youn is available for interviews to discuss ways that women can become more comfortable with their beast."

Sun Scare?

2008-09-22T13:02:00.000-04:00

Ok, for the record, it's totally ridiculous that people are acting like Sarah Palin's tanning bed matters. But I just find this comment from the president of the Indoor Tanning Association too damn funny: "Kudos to Governor Palin for standing up to dermatologists and other members of the sun scare industry who are trying to frighten Americans away from UV light.”

Like JOHN MCCAIN?? Mr. Malignant Melanoma?

2008-09-16T13:24:00.001-04:00

A family friend forwarded this around:

Who Am I?
I am under 45 years old,
I love the outdoors,
I hunt,
I am a Republican reformer,
I was elected governor,
I lead concerted effort to root out corruption and machine politics,

I support efficient conservation of national resources,
I have taken on the Republican Party establishment,
I am a popular idol and a great vote getter,
I have many children,
I have a spot on the national ticket as Vice President with
less than two years in the governor's office.
Did you guess?

I am Teddy Roosevelt in 1900.

Ok, how much this annoys me aside, here are my thoughts.
I don't care that Palin's not experienced, I think that was always a weak argument. Just being in government for a long time means nothing, our best presidents in my opinion were some of the least experienced ones--T.R. is a great example, and Lincoln. And Cheney and Rumsfeld were some of the most experienced pols you could get. But the McCain campaign has built their argument on the idea that experience is necessary, and that's why Palin's lack of it is an issue.

It's more about her judgment. It doesn't show good judgment to glibly suggest that "perhaps" we should go to war with the world's other major nuclear power. I don't think most of her positions on the issues show good judgment.

Also, as for her "taking on the Republican establishment," it's important to remember that Alaska is basically a one-party state. In order to get into power she had to take on the establishment, and from what I've heard, the Republicans she's "taken on" are all just ones that were either in her way or who had somehow angered or offended her and so she took revenge. I don't really see that as "reform."

And anyone who thought he was talking about Palin when he said "I support efficient conservation of national resources" obviously doesn't know where she stands, since she tried to take polar bears off the endangered species list because they were getting in the way of oil drilling, opposed a measure that would have blocked a mine from polluting wild salmon fisheries, and wants to hunt wolves from the air to cull their population--a population that's only now beginning to come back from centuries of overhunting. I don't really think demanding drilling in a wildlife refuge when there are thousands of acres right next door that have been set aside as a drilling area and aren't being bid on shows support for efficient conservation of natural resources either. Oh and of course she doesn't think global warming is caused by man, so why do we need to conserve anyway.

Bargain Foods

2008-09-07T17:28:00.000-04:00

I was just at Whole Foods and they seem to have a new campaign to go with this "new economy." There are signs saying how their stuff is such a bargain, and instead of something about the season we're currently in or an admonition to "go local," the bags now say "I just got more of the good stuff for less." I'm not sure what world Whole Foods is living in, but in my world, it's not the store you go to when you want stuff for less...

Leave Bristol Alone!

2008-09-02T18:35:00.000-04:00

Where's that Britney-loving guy to make a YouTube video about this? The joking facebook groups and plundered MySpace pages have begun, and while, Ok, it's totally funny, I can't help feeling really sick about the whole thing. All this girl did was have a conservative evangelical mom who wants to make a name in politics. Can you really blame her for getting pregnant when she lives in a town of less than 10,000 people where her abstinence-only mom is the most famous resident? How would you like to walk into that only drugstore in town and pick up a box of condoms?

And we are only hearing that she "made the right decision" from her mom, so for all we know she would have liked to have an abortion but it wasn't an option. I would certainly expect that she wouldn't have all her family's "love and support" if that's what she had chosen, especially when her mom won't even support abortion rights in the case of 14 year old rape victims.

It's bad enough that she has to have a kid at 17, marry this Levi guy, and do it all under the scrutiny of everyone in her town. But to have to take shit from the rest of America seems way out of line. She isn't Britney, she didn't choose this for herself, so despite our curiosity, we should really all lay off.

Pumas and Cougars

2008-08-28T14:15:00.000-04:00

Is it just me, or are the PUMA women trying to make me think of cougars?

EZ Divorce

2008-08-22T14:25:00.001-04:00

I saw this ad in a CNN news story I was reading, and it is so shockingly awful.

Husbands Unfaithful?
Check his computer for the truth. Secretly read emails. "Free Trial"
WebWatcherNow.com/Free_Trial

Not only does it let you read his e-mails, but it offers this list of features:

Read every email they send or receive

See every Instant Message or Chat they participate in (both sides of the conversation)

See every webpage they visit and how long they stay there

Block access to inappropriate websites (WebWatcher has the best block list in the world - guaranteed)

Capture every single keystroke they type (including passwords & usernames)

Limit access to what software programs can be used (block programs & set schedules for use)

Take Screenshots of their computer screen - allowing you to see everything they do including graphics and video

Monitor and control Laptops no matter where they go! WebWatcher is the ONLY software that can be used to remotely monitor and control all laptop activity no matter where in the world it travels. That's why it's being used by law enforcement agencies everywhere.

Monitor as many computers as you need to. Some companies and government agencies use WebWatcher to monitor thousands of PCs.

Be notified when "alert words" you choose are used in any communications

How can people read this and think that it's a good idea? I think that being unfaithful is treating your partner better than doing all of this to them.

For that very reason, much of the site is dedicated to how hard the software is to detect, yet Adam Greenfield of Houston, Texas, seems to have no problems putting his full name and location on his satisfied customer quote.

So, apparently, is Kimberly Orting of Ft. Wayne, Indiana. "I've been using WebWatcher for a few months now and it's lived up to every promise and it's totally hidden." So by lived up to all it's promises do you mean you found out your husband is enjoying BDSM and plushie fetishes on the side? Did you really WANT to know that?

I am an incredibly jealous and suspicious person, I will acknowledge. But this is WAY over the line. I can't believe that this product exists or that people are dead inside enough to buy and use it.

Do you have a bird infestation?

2008-08-22T10:13:00.000-04:00

"Bird-X, Inc. targets bird infestations all around the world." I didn't even realize bird infestations were a problem! But, apparently, "Pest bird problems are common."

Man Junk

2008-08-20T15:57:00.005-04:00

I am 98 percent sure this is a real product. I'd say 100 percent, seeing as they took the time and effort to ensure that I got a press release about it, and they have a sweet website...but, after reading both of those things, I'm still not entirely convinced.

Nevertheless, let's subject their claims to a close reading.

"Man Junk Launches Innovative Personal Care Product: Organic, Deep-Cleansing Intimate Body Wash for Men

Exclusive Line Enters $12 Billion Personal Care Market

LOS ANGELES, August 20, 2008 — Man Junk, the exclusive brand of men’s personal care solutions, today launched its debut product: an organic, deep-cleansing intimate body wash.
Tackling the sensitive issue of male private hygiene in a unique and open way, Man Junk’s philosophy is based upon a commitment to improve the health and sex lives of men across the globe.

“It’s time to get private hygiene into the public eye and stop ignoring the real needs of men worldwide,” said Rowett. “Man Junk addresses a growing cleanliness concern while helping to refresh and replenish an area that is often disregarded.”
A much-overlooked aspect of personal care, poor male hygiene can lead to inflammation, bacteria buildup, STD transmission, and even the increased risk of penile cancer. Man Junk cleans gently but effectively, working against bacteria deposits and other odor-causing agents, while leaving the body moisturized and soft to the touch.

A product for such a critically sensitive area requires painstaking attention to detail in both the selection and formulation of ingredients. A task Mr. Rowett has been focused on for over two years.

Already a proven innovator in social technology, Mr. Rowett is using innovative approaches to educate the active consumer base that Man Junk appeals to. Initiatives such as Man Junk TV, the ‘Clean or Dirty’ Facebook application and Man Junk's pledge to donate proceeds towards Prostate Cancer Research all exemplify an ethical business model."

First of all, is there really a "growing cleanliness concern"? I'm pretty sure that the advent of soap, shampoo, toothbrushes, and showers have all been major milestones in the history of cleanliness. I think Queen Elizabeth took something like two baths in her entire life. You can bet she needed to "refresh and replenish" her area, but a guy who showers once a day? He's probably alright. Plus, I highly doubt that too many men are disregarding that region. Just a hunch.

The immediate question that comes to mind of course is, what's wrong with soap? Man Junk has an answer for that too. "Any product that's made to clean your neck, back, ass or legs isn't going to provide the specific levels of odor fighting and skin treatment that Man Junk does." I'm not exactly sure what products out there are designed specifically to clean a man's ass...however I would kind of hope that they provide odor fighting...

"On top of our commitment to men around the world, all the guys at our office use MJ daily. Don't put anything on your downstairs captain that the creators themselves aren't using."

Downstairs captain!

"Men sweat. Not the hot sweat that women get going out on the dance floor, but the rank perspiration that makes any interested party turn 180 degrees and make a beeline for the door.

Luckily, you've got Man Junk as a wingman.

Gone are the worries of funk down under, dry skin or dead-skin build-up. Instead, you're packing something smooth, clean, and dying to make an acquaintance."

Those are their italics, not mine. Ok. So, are they saying that if you don't wash your junk with their specific product, that women are going to smell it on the dance floor and run away? Are they really saying that? I won't even get into the "wingman" idea.

"Avoid getting embarrassed when out with a potential encounter or even with a partner of years. Man Junk cleanses and refreshes the entire male anatomy, heightening the pleasure of love making and giving your confidence a boost before heading to the bedroom."

Even if you assume that they aren't actually claiming it will get a woman to sleep with you and are only saying that it will make her happier when she does, I don't really think that too many women expect to find Mr. Clean down there. Plus, does it really smell as bad as they're making it out? Since this product was only introduced today, I think I can guarantee that I've never been with anyone who used it, and they all smelled fine...

Lastly, there are the "coming soon" products. MJ Express, Smooth, and Intimate sound about equal in weird/grossness, but what the F is MJ Dust? " What?

I don't care how revolutionary the technology is, you look like a douche

2008-08-19T19:10:00.001-04:00

My daily walk through Franklin Square Park is nothing if not interesting. There are the guys screaming obscenities at me, the squirrel mating rituals, the guy who I saw fill a water bottle out of the fountain and then drink from it, and then today, a new one, some kind of Segway convention... There were like 20 people on Segways segwaying around in circles.

Wtf.

Edwards cheated...Can we move on to the actual candidate now?

2008-08-11T21:22:00.000-04:00

The only thing worse than the media not covering the John Edwards affair is them covering it.

Seriously, Kaus, I get it. The MSM was sitting on the story. It's on CNN now, so you can talk about some other topic on your blog!

While I give him credit for following the story while most of the media was purposefully ignoring it, he's discussed almost nothing else for about a month now and is kind of giving me reason to understand exactly why so many news outlets had been avoiding it. I always thought he was kind of a tool, but he really starts sounding like an obsessive crazy in some of these. Do we really need hourly updates on this?

I first noticed the story on his blog months ago—before the "love child" was even born—and, at the time, it was certainly pretty interesting. There definitely seemed to be too many strange twists for the Edwards official story to be true, so why was no one else talking about it? Especially when they were reporting similarly damaging accusations with even less evidence.

The thing is, at the time, it may have actually been relevant. From what I can tell, the National Enquirer began covering the story as early as October of 2007, back when Edwards was maybe not the front runner, but certainly a viable candidate for the nomination. While it saddens me to hear of yet another seemingly devoted husband who turned out not to be able to keep it in his pants (and did you see her?), I don't really think it's relevant to his ability to lead. However, it is relevant to his ability to win, and if all the allegations are true, he may have committed some crimes in using campaign funds to hire her and later to hush her up (plus it's pretty darn skeevy if he did convince his aide Andrew Young to claim paternity—good luck explaining that one to your wife and kids).

My point is, this story was worth something in October when the Enquirer first published it, and it's worth a little now with VP picks and Cabinet posts possibly in the works. But now that he's admitted it, even if he's still not being entirely forthcoming, is it really worth rehashing over and over?

By all means, feel free to lampoon him all you want. Lord knows how much enjoyment we've gotten out of Republican sex scandals recently, and I don't want to deny the other side their chance (Also, if you haven't seen this video, enjoy). But please don't keep trying to pass off harping on this story as "responsible journalism."

And for the record, I don't think this scandal hurts Obama. If it hurts any candidate, it should be McCain, the candidate who has experience—cheating on an unwell wife.

Put those things away, please

2008-08-07T20:42:00.001-04:00

Another addition to the list of feminine rituals I will never understand: the professional pedicure.

I'm not saying I can't see the appeal of a nice foot soak and having non-grody toenails (I definitely see the appeal of the latter), but here I'm mainly referring to the elaborate acrylic/airbrushed thing. And the fact that these things can cost $40 to $80!

Full disclosure: I find nails, particularly toenails, majorly, majorly gross. Long fingernails of any kind are hideous to me, and I can't stand to see any of the white part of my toenails. If it's sticking out more than a few millimeters on someone else, I feel kind of sick. Even when they're not dirty or anything. Add any kind of discoloration, peeling, or, god forbid, fungus, and it becomes a downright phobia.

That said, when I see women with elaborate pedicures that seem designed to emphasize the length of their toenails, I can't help but feel like the world's gone a little insane.

The first offender was a couple days ago, with this French manicure that would have been tasteful were it not for the length of the white painted part. She definitely looked like she could easily scratch the shit out of someone with her toes accidentally.... I'm hoping this was mainly an illusion caused by the nail polish, but they were definitely too long for my comfort.

That was nothing compared to what I saw on the metro today, though. Imagine these...on someone's toes. That should give you a pretty good idea. Not that they didn't take artistry. But who wants to a) draw that much attention to their feet, b) look like they have two inch long toenails??

I don't even want to know how much she paid for that.

Is a penny worth anything?

2008-08-06T20:09:00.000-04:00

On my walk home tonight I saw into the crate of the woman who begs in front of the metro station near my office. I hesitate to say "homeless woman," because she always looks clean and has fresh clothes and only sits there from 9 to 5. She also claims to have three children, so I can only guess that she is able to house them somewhere when they're not in school. All of these things have made me wonder why she continues to sit in the same spot and beg nearly every day for the last year. I don't know her specific circumstances, but it seems to me that if she is able to get clean clothes, transport to a business district on a regular schedule, and have access to childcare, she should be able to get and hold down some kind of job.

But that's not really my point. My point is that when I saw into the crate, all she had was a couple of dollar bills and a pile of pennies. There wasn't a silver coin in there from what I could tell, and this really got to me.

I started wondering, what's worse? The person who doesn't give anything, or the person who picks through their change and just throws in pennies? If you want to give, and they're legitimately all you have, that's one thing, but I think if that were the case some people would have thrown in their quarters, dimes, and nickels as well.

I rarely give to those begging, and I use a number of reasons to justify this to myself--the fact that it encourages them to continue that life, the fact that I can't give to everyone who asks, the fact that I've given to people based on what I learned later were lies. I don't think any of these absolves me from charges of selfishness, however, and I'll own up to that. But to me it seems to take a particular callousness to go through one's pockets and pick out only the most utterly worthless change. It makes me wonder if they're giving it more to get it out of their pockets than because they want to help someone.

I can't rule out the possibility that she had taken out the more valuable change by the time I walked by. I hope that that's the case. Otherwise I'm not really sure she made enough today to pay for her metro ride to and from wherever she comes from, let alone support herself and three kids. I also hope she gets herself out of whatever trouble she's in that keeps her there day after day...

Damn you Dunkin Donuts, Damn you to Hell

2008-08-03T23:22:00.000-04:00

Continuing on the theme of my earlier post of me having terrible eating habits, I had a Boston cream donut craving tonight and decided to look up the address of my local Dunkin Donuts. What i found was yet another reason why Americans are fat asses. Check this thing out....

My immediate thought was, DELICIOUS, when I can get one? My second thought was holy shit, why would they make this.

Does it really need American, Swiss, and Monterey Jack cheese? Does it really need hash browns baked into the omelet? Especially when they sell little tater tot-like hash browns to eat on the side?

Then of course there's the bacon lover's version. I guess the best thing that can be said about this one is that at least it only has one type of cheese.

Probably the best part about all of this is the little O grams of trans fat logo in the corner. What, no trans fat?? I'd better have one every morning to keep my figure!

Suck it Mercury

2008-07-29T20:45:00.000-04:00

Mercury really pisses me off.

I say this because ever since I was old enough to understand the concept of healthy food, I've never really been able to find any that I actually like. Steamed vegetables of any kind? Nope. Lean meats? Eh... And I think I'd prefer most prison food to trying quinoa again. Most of my favorite foods involve cheese, butter, dough, breading, deep frying, or some heavenly combination of all of these things.

Because of this, tuna seemed like a pretty good start for me. I can't eat it plain, but I'd graduated to eating it with that made-from-plant-sterols omega-3-enriched mayo that only has like four grams of fat per serving. Slap that on some wheat bread with lettuce and tomato and I thought I was doing pretty well for myself.

Not so, says the MAN. Or in this case, the FDA and Consumer Reports. Because of some stupid heavy metal, apparently tuna is one of those things that I should generally try to avoid, just like everything else I like. And to add major insult to injury here, the recommended kind is the "Chunk Light" tuna, otherwise known as the gross ass tuna. For years I didn't understand why I always hated tuna I made at home out of a can, since I was pretty positive they used canned stuff at every restaurant. I always thought I didn't have the mayo ratio right, because it always tasted really fishy (and yes, I realize how ironic that sounds), but I later found out it's because the white albacore kind is the good tasting one, and I just never knew this because it was the almost-a-whole-dollar-more kind that my mom was too cheap to buy.

Also, if you're eating tuna, that means you have to limit the other fish that you eat. So when I'm debating whether to make a box of macaroni and cheese and a hot dog or a grilled fish fillet, they're saying I had better avoid the fish. AND apparently lobster can be very high in mercury. I finally seem to have grown out of my shellfish allergy and now they're telling me I can't eat lobster, those dicks.

The most annoying part of all of this is the reason I'm not supposed to eat it is not really because it might hurt me, but because I'm a "Woman of Childbearing Age," the logic being that mercury stays in the body, and, at 24, I could be producing a little fucker at any time. My thought on this is that if I do get pregnant any time soon, I'm going to have a lot bigger problems than worrying about how much fish I've eaten. In addition, I really only care about myself.

The bottom line of course is that I'm not going to pay any more attention to this dietary restriction than I do to the restriction that one should probably eat mozzarella sticks exactly never. But it just pisses me off that mercury had to go and ruin the one healthy food that I actually enjoy. Thanks a lot, pollution.

Glad I don't pay more....

2008-06-28T02:30:00.000-04:00

So on my walk home tonight, I passed this building that looked way nicer/newer than mine, possibly condos. (Keep in mind, I live in a studio in a rent-controlled place not in the nicest part of DC, and still pay like $1200 a month [fuck you all who live in Albany or Philly or something and pay way less for way more])

And there was caution tape strung across the entrance.

For one thing, I'd been drinking, and needed to find a bathroom like it was my job. If this had been my ridiculously overpriced home, I would have been PISSED that i could not get in and take a piss.

But that brings up a good point. What DO you do when you arrive back at your place and find the telltale "police line do not cross" there? I was pretty sure I would just duck underneath that shit, but I do not want those CSI bastards counting my footprints as evidence...

Also, if i'm paying that much for a place, there should not be crimes committed in my lobby. For $2,000 a month, even loiterers should be somehow incinerated where they stand to avoid the paperwork and possibility of me encountering them.

Someone get on this.

Meanwhile, my much less fancy apartment building had easy front door access.

Suckers!!!

Great PA Streets

2008-06-26T17:29:00.000-04:00

Some streets I crossed under on my way through Pennsylvania yesterday:

Blueball Ave
East Texas Road
Bustard Road

Another Good Gmail Link

2008-06-26T17:28:00.000-04:00

The Original Hamburger Phone

Count me out

2008-06-10T18:43:00.000-04:00

A political action committee called WomenCount ran full page ads in newspapers across the country saying "Not so fast...Hillary's voice is OUR voice, and she's speaking for all of us."

It's fine if you prefer to allow Hillary to speak for you, but please do not imply that she's speaking for me simply because we have the same equipment.

I'm also fairly certain that Clinton and Obama's views on issues that would actually make change for women or preserve our rights are exactly the same, so please stop whining that you're being ignored and get behind the candidate who will run a government that will actually help you instead of the one you want to support out of pure spite. P.S. Being a sore loser and vowing revenge is pretty darn unladylike.

Come on, commercials

2008-06-09T20:58:00.002-04:00

I've had a few issues with commercials I've seen tonight.

First off, why did Special K have to cast a super skinny girl in a commercial that's main point is you should drink their 5 calorie protein water instead of eating so you can lose weight... I hate complaining about this because it's always whined about, but seriously. What were they thinking?

Second, these pharmaceutical ads are getting even more ridiculous. One of them is for some bowel disease and warns that side effects include flatulence. I so did not need to know that. It also seems to suggest that the medication might not work all that well. Also, can this prostate medicine please think of a less gross motto than "It's your growing problem, shrink it"? Please?

Finally, I just saw a public service ad in Spanish while watching Colbert, which is, 90% of the time at least, in English. Why are all those people who need to get their public services in Spanish even watching it...

I Hate You Christian Response

2008-04-23T14:16:00.004-04:00

This email makes me SO SICK. Literally.

First of all, this was sent to me from an email list that I have already unsubscribed to because there is no reason for them to be sending this bullshit to my magazine and I can't stand reading it, yet they continue to send it to me.

Second, this is the most disgusting pile of shit I have ever read. They actually try to make the argument that Obama is a racist while calling him Barack Hussein Obama throughout the entire email. And that Willie Horton ad didn't preach "vile racial hatred" at all, how could anyone think that? That ad was a perfectly legitimate testament to Dukakis' policies, of course, and there was absolutely no intention to scare up white fear and hatred of the "black criminal."

Just as there's no such intention in this email, or in the ad that it is trying to get you to donate money to, which claims that because Obama didn't vote yes on a bill that would have increased the death penalty given to those convicted of gang related violence that he's the reason that 12 people were shot in Chicago this weekend. Oh the HORROR! That he could possibly refuse to support a bill that would condone killing those who end up in the hands of our not at all racist and completely infallible courts!

And don't forget, the fact that he didn't want to increase capital punishment means that he is supporting the TERRORISTS. I mean, not a surprise, considering he is Barack HUSSEIN Obama! Did I mention his name is HUSSEIN??

Oh, and he totally hates America. Which is why he's dedicated his life to public service. Just to fuck with us.

Warning: Please do not read this email immediately following a meal or while eating. There is a serious risk of vomiting all over your computer.

"President Barack Hussein Obama," those have to be the scariest four words in the English language!

Ask yourself... do you really want the next President of the United States of America to be a man with ties to known Marxists such as Frank Marshall Davis and terrorists such as Bill Ayers and former PLO operative Rashid Khalidi?

Consider the fact that Barack Hussein Obama refuses to wear the flag on his lapel, or that he does not place his hand over his heart in the presence of the American flag.

Consider the fact that Barack Hussein Obama embraces Jeremiah Wright, a man who has preached the most vile racial hatred and anti-American sentiments from the pulpit for twenty years, while at the same time Barack Hussein Obama accuses decent hard-working Americans of bigotry when he says things like, "It's not surprising that they get bitter. They cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them... ."

Consider the fact that Barack Hussein Obama's wife Michelle said that her husband's candidacy marked, "the first time in my adult lifetime, I am really proud of my country."

But what really makes "President Barack Hussein Obama" the scariest four words in the English language is that fact that HE CAN BECOME THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!

While the media would love to extend the news cycle as far as humanly possible throughout the primary season, the truth of the matter is that unless Hillary Clinton pulls off some kind of mathematical miracle, Barack Hussein Obama will go to the Democratic National Convention with more delegates.

And, with the exception of the Jeremiah Wright story, the liberal media has basically given Barack Hussein Obama a free pass -- and will continue to give him a free pass!

Moreover, Socialist billionaire George Soros of MoveOn.org fame, and some of his cronies, have already spent millions of dollars and recently pledged to spend millions more to put this obscure first term United States Senator from Chicago into the White House.

Make no mistake, there are people in the United States who despise America... hate America... and hate our way of life. Barack Hussein Obama is THEIR CANDIDATE and they will do everything in their power to make sure that patriotic Americans do not understand exactly how dangerous Barack Hussein Obama really is. They'll hide his record and his past and they'll tar-and-feather his opposition.

And the only thing that stands in their way is patriotic Americans like you!

George Soros and his friends may have millions and the liberal media may still control the information that most people see and hear, but patriotic Americans can still fight back. We have just launched ExposeObama.com -- call it the Obama Truth Squad -- and in the coming weeks and months, we will tell the American people the truth about Barack Obama.

We've just completed our first major television ad. And if you use this hyperlink you can see it right now! But we just don't want you to view this ad, we want you to join us. We need to raise $300,000 in the next 72 hours to buy the ad time on television that will expose Barack Hussein Obama to the American people .

Please watch this ad and if you agree that all Americans should know the truth about Barack Hussein Obama please join us. Your financial assistance of $5000 or $1000 or even $100 or $50 or $25 is urgently needed right now.

Remember Willie Horton?

One of the key members of our team is Floyd Brown. You may remember Floyd as the man who created the Willie Horton ads which brought the truth about Mike Dukakis directly to the American people.

Before the Willie Horton ads came out, Dukakis had a healthy lead over George H.W. Bush in the polls, in part, because the liberal media glossed over Dukakis' liberal record. And it looked like Dukakis' march to the White House was unstoppable.

Willie Horton was a convicted killer serving a life-sentence without the possibility of parole. Horton callously stabbed a 17-year old gas station attendant 19 times and left him in a garbage can to die.

And yet, Horton was given a total of 10 weekend passes from prison.

During one of those weekend passes, Horton kidnapped a young couple, stabbed, beat and gagged the boyfriend and then repeatedly violated the girlfriend multiple times while the boyfriend watched -- helpless to do anything.

Dukakis supported the furlough program that gave Willie Horton and so many others like him weekend passes -- even after the Willie Horton affair came to light. Moreover, when the Massachusetts legislature attempted to close the furlough program, Dukakis vetoed the bill .

When the Willie Horton ad came out, the left-wing media went into spin mode and attacked Floyd. Twenty years later, fabrications and lies concerning the Willie Horton ad are still misreported by a biased media.

But when the Willie Horton ads were released, the American public saw the truth. There was no hiding the fact that Dukakis was soft on crime.

The media will attempt to elect the next President of the United States for you and that president may be Barrack Hussein Obama.

You can let that happen or you can join us as we expose the truth about Barack Hussein Obama!

If you agree that the American people need to know the real Barack Hussein Obama, then join us in the fight and in the coming weeks and months, we will tell the American people what the liberal media refuses to report when it comes to Barack Hussein Obama.

Obama and Racism...

Barack Hussein Obama slapped hard-working Americans in the face when he said that "bitter" people "cling to guns or religion."

But how does Obama react when he actually encounters bigotry?

Do you remember what Jeremiah Wright, the man who preached to Obama for 20 years, married him to his wife, baptized his children and served as his spiritual advisor said about the United States?

Here's what Wright said:

"The government gives them the drugs, builds bigger prisons, passes a three-strike law, and then wants us to sing God Bless America? No, no, no! Not God bless America. God d*** America! It's in the Bible, for killing innocent people. God d*** America..."

Wright actually said that when terrorists killed over 3,000 innocent people on September 11, 2001, "America had it coming!"

Wright once called the United States of America, "the U.S. of K.K.K.A"

Wright even accused the United States government of developing the AIDS virus to exterminate blacks.

For 20 years, Barack Hussein Obama listened to Jeremiah Wright preach hate and didn't say a word. When confronted with Wright's race-baiting he refused to disown the man... and yet he has no problem insinuating that hard-working, God-fearing Americans are bigots!

What does that tell you about Barack Hussein Obama?

George Soros and his friends may have millions and the liberal media may still control the information that most people see and hear, but we can fight back. We have just launched ExposeObama.com -- call it the Obama Truth Squad -- and in the coming weeks and months, we will tell the American people the truth about Barack Obama.

If He's Weak On Crime, Will He Be Weak On The War On Terror And National Security?

When it comes to the issues, most people simply don't know where Barack Hussein Obama stands. The liberal media won't give you that information!

For example, when it comes to crime, Barack Hussein Obama seems to care for criminals more than victims:

In 2002, while gang related crime infected Chicago like an open, festering sore, Barack Hussein Obama voted NO on HB 1812, a bill designed to toughen penalties for crimes committed in furtherance of gang activities.

And the problem is only getting worse!

On Sunday, the CBS affiliate in Chicago issued the following report:

"A violent and deadly weekend continues in Chicago. At least 12 people have been shot, two of them killed, since Saturday morning. Two others were stabbed in a home invasion. This comes after at least 20 people were shot, four of them killed, from Friday night through early Saturday."

Ironically so many of the victims of these gang-related crimes are, innocent African-Americans from Barack Hussein Obama's hometown of Chicago!

Question: If Barack Hussein Obama REFUSED to vote in favor of tougher penalties for those who commit atrocious crimes against innocent people in his own hometown, how will he react when confronted with America's enemies and those who want to harm innocent Americans?

When terrorists around the world, such as Osama bin-Laden, look at Barack Hussein Obama's record on domestic crime, will they dance in the streets?

Our very first ad takes a hard, no-nonsense look at Barack Hussein Obama's record on what the Chicago Sun Times called "urban terrorism" in Obama's own backyard and asks:

"Can a man so weak in the war on gangs be trusted in the war on terror?"

When the time comes to be tough, will Obama choose to be weak?

Of course, if you join us, this will only be the first of many nationwide commercials spotlighting Barack Hussein Obama's record on the issues! You can help us make it happen!

If you haven't done so already, view our very first ExposeObama.com television ad for all the gut-wrenching details.

Bruce Hawkins
Executive Director
ExposeObama.com

P.S. Even if you can not join us in this effort right now, you can still help us expose Barack Hussein Obama by sending this e-mail to at least 10 of your friends.

FINALLY I can get drunk on more than alcohol...

2008-03-03T17:47:00.000-05:00

Apparently absinthe is FINALLY legal in Baltimore. And it's such a big deal that they had to send me a press release about it. They made one major mistake though. Why have the debut of a drink famous for seriously fucking you up on a Monday night?

God Damn it, Nader...

2008-02-24T22:11:00.000-05:00

If you haven't heard the news, apparently Ralph Nader thinks he's God's gift to America again. Except apparently he doesn't think there's any chance he's going to win:

Nader has long rejected his portrayal as a spoiler in the presidential race. In his NBC interview Sunday, he cited the Republican Party's economic policies, the Iraq war, and other issues, saying, "If the Democrats can't landslide the Republicans this year, they ought to just wrap up, close down, emerge in a different form."

So....remind us why you're running?

Gmail? Seriously? This is What My Conversations Say About Me?

2008-02-15T08:39:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I really wonder what my Gmail ads say about me. For instance, see the ads below that popped up next to an email from my friend about hanging out tonight. From what I can tell, Gmail thinks I'm an emphatically masculine eco-friendly guy with a baby who wants to date cross dressers and male vampires. I'm so confused about my identity.

(I swear I am not making any of these up)

Letter to the Editor

2008-02-06T19:12:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty sure Time won't publish my letter, so I'll do it myself. Click the link for the story I'm commenting on.

Is a Wage a Right?

For me, Richard Zoglin's story on the Comedy Store strike of 1979 recalled not just the current Writers Guild of America labor dispute, but the wage plight of another group of writers--young journalists. Just as Mitzi Shore insisted that the exposure she was offering aspiring comedians amounted to payment, the media (as well as many other industries) offers thousands of unpaid internships as a way to pay one's dues, the argument being that this work offers invaluable experience in the field and, therefore, no other compensation is required. While many earnest young people find a way to survive this situation, whether it be living in hovels subsisting on Ramen noodles and peanut butter, working 80-hour weeks, or both, the ultimate result is that a career in journalism is feasible mainly for the most privileged classes, those who can afford to spend a college semester in a big city receiving only internship credit or those whose parents are willing and able to support them after graduation.

Though an unpaid internship is by no means the only path to a career in this field, it is certainly the fast track. Furthermore, often even paid internships and full time entry level positions offer little more than rent money; certainly not enough to splurge on a lunchtime burrito or, heaven forbid, a meal at one of the restaurants one's publication reviews. As Zoglin's article shows, the onus rests on employees to address this issue--as long as there are those willing to work for nothing for a shot at their dream, employers will offer exactly nothing. And as long as the wage for an honest day's work remains at zero, the mainstream media will continue to be the bastion of those elite few who could afford to chase their dream without earning a penny.

This is Why I Hate Working for an "International" Magazine

2008-01-28T12:41:00.000-05:00

Because you get sentences like this that you have to somehow figure out and edit. What the f.

"The rope which winds the rope connected with samplers."

Anyone have any clue what that's trying to say?

I Think I'm a Genius

2008-01-25T15:19:00.000-05:00

When I was pretty young, about 12 or so, I started trying to think of ways to help change the world. My best idea was to get someone who had so much money they could easily afford to give it away (I chose the iconic Bill Gates) to buy farm equipment for developing countries. I even added that it wouldn't necessarily have to be a charitable enterprise, because Gates could sign an agreement with the countries that they would continue to turn to his equipment company for repairs and upgrades, which they would pay for. Eventually, he could even make money on the deal. And even if he didn't, he has so much freaking money anyway.

Well now, a little over ten years later, what do I read on CNN.com?

Bill Gates' new project: Farming

If only I'd had access to Bill Gates at age 12, think how much better off we'd be now.

Highlights of the Upcoming Third Annual Mobile Adult Content Congress 2008

2008-01-23T16:41:00.000-05:00

Face it, you've been wondering how to promote Responsible Access & Delivery of Mature Content to the Mobile Device, haven't you. Well, look no further. Next week, industry professionals from around the world will converge on Miami Beach Florida for the third annual Mobile Adult Content Congress. Set in a relaxed, interactive atmosphere on beautiful Biscayne Bay, delegates will discuss the billion dollar opportunities in mobile adult services and establish new international partnerships.

There will be a keynote address from Jay Grdina, CEO of Club Jenna and sessions like "Erotic Gaming and Gambling," "How To Minimize The Technical Hurdles To Get Adult Content
Distributed By International Carriers," "Case Studies From Hustler Mobile Worldwide," "Branded Adult Content vs. Generic Adult Content," and "Monetizing the Global Market for Adult Content While Meeting Operator Requirements."

Wired Magazine perhaps put it best when they summed up this conference as "All business. No boobies."

I know, I too am a little disappointed that there won't be any boobies.

Darwin Day

2008-01-17T12:25:00.000-05:00

Wow, finally some sanity in my inbox. The best part of this release? My hometown is the sponsor of the sanity. Yes! Promote reason! Don't let that 43% get you down!

After having that Economist letter writer in my new hometown, I'm glad to see that Albany is still a bastion of the non-crazy.

And the "Darwin Fish Fry" sounds sweet.

Feb. 12 is "Darwin Day" -- American's Celebrate B'day of Evolution Champ

ALBANY, N.Y. This Feb. 12 is the 199th anniversary of Charles Darwin's birth.
Hundreds of groups across the United States and the globe will celebrate the date as "Darwin Day" in honor of the discoveries and life of the man who first described biological evolution via natural selection.
"Darwin Day promotes understanding of evolution and the scientific method," said Matt Cherry, executive director of the Institute for Humanist Studies. "This celebration expresses gratitude for the enormous benefit that scientific knowledge has contributed to the advancement of humanity."
The Darwin Day Celebration is a project of the Albany, N.Y.-based Institute for Humanist Studies, an international educational nonprofit that promotes reason and humanity.
Next year will mark both the 200th anniversary of Darwin's birth and the 150th anniversary of the 1859 publication of Darwin's "The Origin of Species", which first presented the scientific theory that populations evolve over generations through natural selection.
The theory of evolution was controversial in Darwin's time and remains controversial in the United States today.
Recent Gallup polls show that 43 percent of Americans reject the theory of evolution and instead believe that "God created human beings pretty much in their present form at one time within the last 10,000 years or so." And at least four 2008 presidential candidates have said they do not believe the theory of evolution.
"There is a continuous threat to evolutionary biology and to science in general that has been posed by fundamentalists who reject entirely a Darwinian worldview because they feel it threatens their religious beliefs," said Massimo Pigliucci, Ph.D., a professor of evolutionary biology at the State University of New York-Stony Brook.
Pigliucci uses Darwin Day to teach the public about how science works "so people aren't just hearing about science from their local preacher." His online course "Evolution, Creationism and the Nature of Science" is available for free through the Institute for Humanist Studies.
The Darwin Day Celebration started with one event in 1995. Last year there were more than 850 Darwin Day events world-wide. Darwin Day festivities can include essay contests, film festivals, museum exhibits, art shows and even an "Evolution Banquet" with "Primordial Soup" followed by a "Darwin Fish Fry."
This year, hundreds of church congregations will celebrate Darwin Day by hosting an "Evolution Weekend" to explore the compatibility of science and religion.

For information and a listing of Darwin Day events around the world, visit: http://DarwinDay.org

Why I'm Already Sick of the 2008 Election

2008-01-10T12:29:00.000-05:00

I think I finally figured out why my office e-mail is on a million ultra-conservative list serves. Richard, my favorite "Associate Editor," apparently has access to our e-mail. He also apparently hates immigrants, as his choices for president so far have been Tom Tancredo and Duncan Hunter. Here's an excerpt from our most recent Hunter e-mail:

Duncan Hunter has not been expending heavy resources on targets of marginal value like IA and NH. He's only gone through the motions to take advantage of free media opportunities. His priority has been defining the critical substantive issues that will shape the future of our Nation and very likely, western civilization.

Good Lord.

Update: Apparently the strategy of not wasting resources on these states of "marginal value" didn't pay off, as Hunter has now, to everyone's surprise and alarm, dropped out of the race.

Actual Letter to the Editor in the Economist

2007-12-03T23:09:00.000-05:00

"There is an error of fact in your special report. Adam and Eve did not meet '6,003 years ago.' The world was created in 4,004 BC. It may have failed to come to an end after 6,000 years in 1996, but the date of creation never budged. The mother and father of all of us actually met 6,011 years ago. Archbishop Ussher wrote it, I believe it, that settles it." Bud Whitebook, Washington, DC.

I cannot express how much this letter terrifies me. And he lives in my own city, no less.

The Onion

2007-11-08T09:50:00.000-05:00

My favorite thing about the Onion coming to DC?

It's not that I can read it, because I don't really. It's not even that I won Renaissance Faire tickets from them. It's that I can't get over how funny it is to see really stuffy businessmen and women reading it. Sitting there on the metro with their Burberry trenchcoats and their Blackberries...reading about the Sears tower being covered in jell-o or about a daring rescue of American Apparel models.

I love it.

Female Military Leaders? ....no

2007-10-15T12:05:00.000-04:00

We got a press release about how science fiction is cool. Wtf number one. Wtf number two: since when is the idea of "female military leaders" science fiction?

Science Fiction: How the Cult Became Mainstream

Who would have thought that the geek in the corner reading about aliens attacking the world in 2080 AD could be holding one of the most lucrative pieces of literature in today’s marketplace? Although many may laugh at fans of science fiction, little do they know of the power of science fiction as an industry.

John Ringo, respected science fiction authority and best-selling author, reveals the hidden facts that describe the popularity of the industry. “The science fiction genre is such a wildly popular genre that it generates over 200 MILLION dollars a year in book sales."

So the question remains: how has science fiction evolved from the pinnacle of geekdom to such a booming industry? The answer is simple: it predicts the future of today’s hot-button issues. Before society’s view of the future was one of a far off era, but today it seems within reach.

“Today, science fiction stories featuring the consequences of humankind’s destruction of the environment or the role of female military leaders are truly signs of our time. They are a fictional but realistic extrapolation of issues that impact ours and future generations,” says Ringo.

Damn it, Fall

2007-10-11T21:33:00.000-04:00

I always used to complain that New York weather was erratic and unpredictable...little did I know DC was no better. What is this, October? Why was it 90 like two days ago and why is it now 60 damn degrees and I'm cowering under my blankets while wearing a hoodie? Why!!

Free Boob Jobs!

2007-09-21T11:31:00.000-04:00

The Australian military always sends us press releases, and they're always ridiculous. This one is particularly good.

DEFENCE REFUTES SPECULATION ON SURGERY FOR COSMETIC PURPOSES

The Australian Defence Force’s senior medical officer today refuted claims that personnel were using their medical entitlements to undergo surgery purely for cosmetic reasons.

Air Vice Marshal Tony Austin, the Head of Defence Health Services, said, "To say, as some in the media have, that ADF personnel can have surgery paid for purely for cosmetic reasons or to look ‘sexy’ is wrong. This demeans our people and makes light of the serious nature of some medical and psychological conditions. It also unfairly questions the ethics of the doctors recommending these procedures."

Air Vice Marshal Austin outlined a hypothetical situation where cosmetic surgery may be legitimately required.

"For example, if a female joined the ADF with a condition such as severe breast asymmetry, this may prove to be an issue for day to day activities such as wearing body armour or combat webbing. In this instance and following medical recommendation, Defence may consider augmentation or reconstruction through surgery to ensure that the individual can work to their full potential.

Business Trip or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Kentucky

2007-09-18T21:54:00.000-04:00

Our magazine is printed in Shepherdsville, Kentucky. It is supposedly beneficial for us to go down there to learn what they do, so off Danielle and I went for 3 crazy days of southern exposure.

Sunday:

11:45 AM: I wake up.

12:00 PM: I start packing.

1:00 PM: I arrive at the airport (I now love National).

1:30 PM: We catch the bus to take us to our tiny plane.

1:50 PM: Lady traveling alone agrees to switch to a different window seat one row up so we can sit together--is still nasty about it.

3:25 PM: We are picked up by "Starla" and "Cheryl" (complete with big hair and green eyeshadow up to the brows).

4:00 PM: We arrive at Caesar's Indiana, second largest riverboat casino in the United States. Also a contender for saddest place in the United States.

5:30 PM: After losing most of our money to ATM fees, secondhandedly smoking roughly half a pack, and seeing an old lady play two slot machines at once, we are ready to move on.

6:00 PM: Arrive in downtown Louisville, via sketch part of town. Drive around and see several posters of Colonel Sanders on lamp posts.

6:15 PM: Arrive at the Hard Rock Cafe: Louisville.

6:30 PM: Begin eating cheese topped with cheese while listening to the likes of Robbie Williams and Dave Matthews band. Drink a giant cocktail called a Tropical Colada (a pina colada with midori) because a) it's free b) it's possibly the most ridiculous thing I could order c) it comes with a free Hard Rock hurricane glass d) obviously, I need a drink by now.

6:40 PM: Starla tells us about how they give numbers to their magazine clients and we're "Customer Number Three!!" Little did we then know that we would hear this probably about 50 times from everyone that we met.

6:45 PM: Hear about how Starla's niece wanted to come meet us today, and Starla got nervous because of course she couldn't tell her where we were going. Niece's response: "Aunt Starla! Are you going somewhere Jesus wouldn't approve??"

7:10 PM: Get to see Cheryl's son's Christian Rock band album cover.

7:30 PM: Get to listen to Cheryl's son's Christian Rock band's cd while driving to the hotel.

7:45 PM: Hear possibly my favorite story ever about how Cheryl's son got a tattoo of Jesus, but his friends thought it was too small and he "needed to get some tribal around it." He then got the tribal in red, and when he showed it to his mom she said, "Why is Jesus in Hell?"

8:00 PM: Check into the hotel and commence watching an entire night of VH1.

Monday:

6:40 AM: Wake up entirely too early for my own good.

8:15 AM: Stop at McDonald's on our way to the printer so Starla can get a Coke. (Danielle had not believed me that they do that here).

8:20 AM: We pass "The Most Awesome Flea Market and Hickory Smoked Pit Barbecue." I see that if I were willing to ford the creek behind our hotel I could walk to it. Make a mental note to consider it that night.

8:30 AM: Meet our fellow students from other magazines "Apaloosa Horse" and "GX: the Guard Experience," based in Idaho and Nashville, respectively.

8:45 AM: I am bored out of my mind and desperately trying not to fall asleep.

11:45 AM: The ink tester presenter guy lets us play with his ink samples by spreading and mixing them on the table. I make a sweet ass purple, get it all over my hands, and have to be escorted out for a cleaning with their industrial-strength soy-based cleaner, making everyone else wait for me. It still rules.

3:30 PM: Wake up from my I-haven't-taken-a-class-since-2005-and-was-not-at-all-prepared-for-this-day stupor. Realize that everyone else has been collected by their liaison person and Starla is nowhere to be found.

4:45 PM: Starla finally packs us into the car. I am pissed because the Jim Beam distillery visitor's center closed at 4:30.

5:00 PM: We go to the Jim Beam distillery anyway and drive around, seeing his house and stacks of whiskey barrels. ....It still rules.

5:20 PM: Man from some financial analysis magazine who is also one of Starla's clients mentions that his magazine is based in Charlottesville and is always hiring. Danielle's boyfriend currently lives in Charlottesville. I threaten suicide if she leaves me to fend for myself at the magazine.

5:30 PM: We arrive at the Outback.

5:40 PM: Printer people joke that one of the other customer service guys always takes clients to this pit barbecue place where everything is served on styrofoam plates and there's a roll of paper towels in the middle of the table and how that's such a crazy thing to do. ....I fume at the unfairness of it all.

5:45 PM: Starla tells us about a fantastic book she found on an inspirational rack in an airport and she's read five times. It's called the Traveler's Gift. I struggle to keep a straight face as she describes the book that my sister once spent an entire Albany to New York train ride bashing because it is about a guy who tries to kill himself, then Jesus sends him back in time and he meets different historical figures who give him various obvious/stupid pieces of advice, including historical figures who are completely wrong (Columbus, for instance, talks about how he's not going to give up on his attempt to discover America). He then wakes up and realizes he has to have Jesus in his life and become a motivational speaker...just like the author, "Andy Andrews"...if that is his real name. Check out the Amazon reviews to see how much people love it.

6:30 PM: I think I have gained roughly 8 pounds.

8:00 PM: We recover enough to walk over to "Kart Kountry," home of the world's longest go kart track. We are not yet well enough to do go karts, but we do manage a rockin game of mini golf, complete with TWO holes in one and a relatively minimal amount of swearing. No breaking of clubs or falling in water this time.

Tuesday:

8:15 AM: Starla comes to pick us up. Apparently, while I'm up getting juice or something, Danielle comments on the hotel's constant stream of Fox News, pointing out that they're showing the girl who was kicked off Southwest for her skirt. Starla responds something to the effect of, "That's no worse than what that Paris Hilton wears! She just shows off her twat all over" Danielle is in shock at the use of "twat" before noon by a woman she barely knows who is too Christian to drink alcohol.

9:00 AM: We get to see the presses and the tour actually gets cool. Not cool: the warning stickers on every piece of equipment showing twisted and mangled hands, arms, or other body parts; the "Safety First" posters showing some kind of gross ass head wound; the fact that our tour guide tells us the workers have to reach in and do stuff to the spinning machines while they're running. My opinion of the press room job falls from "boring as hell" to "scary as hell."

12:15 PM: While eating fried pork tenderloin, baked ham, macaroni and cheese, and mashed potatoes, the Kentuckyians get on about Kentucky food. They tell us about a dessert called banana croquettes, which consists of bananas covered in mayonnaise and rolled in peanuts. Fear of giving offense loses out over inability to conceal disgust.

2:45 PM: We meet world's biggest sports fan, his entire office plastered in UK football memorabilia. Every example he gives in his presentation is sports related. "Say you wanted to give an award to Dick's Sporting Goods, you could just put their name in here, put some pictures of footballs here"..."You could replace these magazine covers with say, Sports Illustrated"

4:00 PM: Starla takes us to the Zappos.com headquarters, which has a large outlet shoestore. I have a newfound love for Starla.

5:00 PM: I finally get my snowglobe (Kentucky derby themed) and head to my plane. I ended up passing on the mini Maker's Mark bottle filled with gourmet barbecue sauce, I choice I already regret.

5:15 PM: Asian guy in front of me at security has what looks suspiciously like the scary future dream machine that I wrote about a few posts back. I am curious.

8:45 PM: I arrive home at my lame ass not at all southern apartment and start to get pissed that I have to go to work tomorrow.

The End

What a fun holiday...

2007-09-11T16:40:00.000-04:00

Ok, not only is this news story ridiculous, but check out the Ads by Google...

Looking for russian girls
You want marriage or friendship with women from russia
www.interkontakt.net

I am so creeped out that mail order brides actually exist

Hyphen?

2007-09-11T13:47:00.000-04:00

I saw a guy the other day with a shirt that said:

"Does Anal Retentive Have a Hyphen?"

(Of course, that would depend if it were modifying something or not, but I don't think he really wanted the answer)

And speaking of hyphens, I think this is great

Scary Future Machine

2007-09-10T20:51:00.000-04:00

Supposedly this device lets you control your dreams. I was freaked out when I first saw the headline, with visions of some bad movie that had Juliette Lewis in it, but then I read the article and figured out its really just a fancy alarm clock.

Still. Japan, come on.

Delaware! Yes!!

2007-09-03T20:56:00.000-04:00

I think you can tell a lot about a state by how it chooses to represent itself. I was pondering this recently when I tried to figure out what Idaho would put on its quarters. You'd immediately think potato, but for some reason that doesn't quite work like a Georgia Peach...
I also noticed that Michigan's quarters just have a map of Michigan on them. Come on Michigan, you couldn't think of ANYTHING? Even a picture of Kid Rock would have been better.

Also, while driving north this weekend I noticed that under the "Welcome to Delaware" sign it says, "Home of Tax Free Shopping." I have to admit that it's nice to know that should I be passing through Delaware and my car breaks down en route, I could buy a new car--and totally screw the government in the process (I assume that's what home of tax free shopping means....) But really, it doesn't make a very appealing motto for your state.

I noticed that New Jersey didn't have any motto under their sign...

Good Lord

2007-08-24T14:25:00.000-04:00

Actual e-mail that Richard (our 80 something year old writer who makes more than everyone else in the office combined to turn in one completely incoherent department a month) just sent us:

Subject: SHAME

On th4e young editors for:

Not publishing what this grey head submitted for publishing in August;

Not being familiar with reader's survey and average age of readers;

Not having any grasp of the global geopolitics and the importance of Indonesia, third most populous nation on t4he planet, a Muslim nation that controls the busiest waterway on Earth

Not being aware of the importance of Lebanon in peace in the Middle East, where war has raged for over half century.

Not acknowledging the global reach and global humanitarian aide of the USN.

In 1956 I flew to Bruit to catch up with COMDESDIV 202 to make the first patrols in the Red Sea and Persian Gulf since WWII in the summer months on a WWII DD without air. Back again in 1957.

The strongest words my father ever used when I did something other than prudent was: you cannot put an old head on young shoulders. It might germane here.

The matter was settled at the last editorial meeting with TT and Amos.

Little did anyone know that TT was planning to leave the company.

There was no signature, but of course, there is only one crazy person this could be from. The very same one who has a 3/4 of a page section, but yet turned in 5 pages in 9 pt font this month, an entire article of which could not be used because it was simply a list of contracts (which we have an entirely separate section for), and whose writing style is so completely incoherent that I had to search to find the press releases that he had originally used in order to make his articles make any sense whatsoever. I have no memory of deleting Indonesia or Lebanon from anything last month, but seeing as his policy is simply to cut and paste sentences from press releases and then reorder them to make no sense, and he has no concept of length, I'm sure they were part of a list of 25 countries that the Navy had decided they needed to honor that day, and seeing as we have a magazine to publish, and this is not a lets-honor-Richard-Burns-and-his-achievements-section, I see no reason at all why the fact that he "flew to Bruit to catch up with COMDESDIV 202 to make the first patrols in the Red Sea and Persian Gulf since WWII in the summer months on a WWII DD without air" is relevant.

All I can say is please, please, please never put his old crazy head on my shoulders. Oh, and fire him, because he is worse than useless and taking up a salary that could at least buy us some god damn office chairs that aren't from 1975.

BJ Services

2007-08-22T15:54:00.000-04:00

In my tedious process of looking up info on stupid companies today I came across a gem--the history of a company called "BJ Services"

It started like so:
"In 1872, 31-year old inventor Byron Jackson formed the Byron Jackson Company."

It then went through roughly 150 points on the timeline, such as:

When he retired in 1913, Byron Jackson’s name was synonymous with excellence and innovation, a reputation to be protected by future generations of BJ employees.

In June 2000, Nowsco-Fracmaster changed its name to BJ Services Company Canada. This unified all of the Company's worldwide pumping services operations under the BJ brand name.

In November 2001, BJ commissioned the first DP-2 stimulation vessel in the Gulf of Mexico – the BJ Blue Ray – and earned the first Well Stimulation class notation from the American Bureau of Shipping.

In April 2002, BJ Services introduced an advanced stimulation vessel for service offshore Brazil.

With more than $4 billion in annual revenues from combined operations, BJ Services Company is well positioned to lead the industry for years to come.

....So, not to be crude or anything, but... it's literally called BJ Services Company and it specializes in "pumping" and "stimulation"

Sorry, Beethoven

2007-08-21T00:30:00.000-04:00

What would the great composers of the classical age think if they could hear their arias and overtures now, reduced to midi ringtones on the cell phone of some 14 year old who, far from recognizing their technical and aural magnificence, is like, shit, my mom's calling....

DC: wtf?

2007-08-20T10:53:00.000-04:00

It is currently 68 degrees outside. And I am freezing.

That is all.

Nats v Mets: Showdown

2007-08-19T22:58:00.000-04:00

Actually, not really, the Mets pretty much beat their ass without much of a fight.

Highlights:

The white trash lady who disdainfully referred to the man playing saxophone outside the metro as "jazz riff raff"

The toddler behind us squeaking insults at the Mets

The toddler a few rows in front of us with a tan clip on tie sagging on the collar of his red t-shirt

Realizing that the reason one of the guys with us looked familiar to me was because he was at Ilene's birthday party a couple months ago

And of course, the gigantic hot dog whose girth would have impressed even the guy who sent me the e-mail about how "baronesses" once "hee-hawed" at his tiny "member," but no longer, since now that he has been using "Meg-A-Dik," it is "bigger than world"

Story of the Week

2007-08-18T23:09:00.000-04:00

This week's story-I-was-not-there-for-but-is-great-nonetheless involves Suzanne's friend, referred to by one who has only heard tell of her as "the high-maintenance one" because she apparently calls daily to complain about her life.

The first time Chris met her they were picking her and some friends up in New York. Another of her friends joked: "I was thinking of you the other day because someone was singing the "Diarrhea Song"

She apparently responded, completely deadpan: "That's fitting. I have diarrhea right now."

Keep in mind this was immediately after getting into Chris' car.

The Orient Express?

2007-08-16T09:44:00.000-04:00

I've always wanted to go back in time and take a fabulous trip on the Orient Express. Now Amtrak is starting a new service called the "GrandLuxe Limited." The trips are mainly in the west, but they have ones from Union Station to Miami or Chicago. This is what Fodor's had to say:

"GrandLuxe offers separate cars attached to Amtrak trains, and the experience aims to be very high end -- think five-course dinners, luxurious suites with vintage furnishings and mohogany interiors, personal butler service, four-course meals served on fine china, etc."

and this is what the website had to say about the DC to Miami trip:

"The GrandLuxe Limited on The Silver Meteor
Travel for two days in grand style. Board at Washington's historic rail station next to the nation's Capitol. Traverse America's Southeast through Georgia pines, picturesque riverfront Jacksonville and the St. John River, central Florida's orange groves, Orlando, and Southern Florida's jewels of West Palm Beach and Ft. Lauderdale before arriving in Miami."

How nice would it be to travel for two days in the height of style, spend a few days on the beach in Miami and then fly back up?

As soon as I save up that $789...

(If you book between this November and January, they'll give you a $100 alcohol credit...not bad)

New Receptionist

2007-08-15T11:20:00.000-04:00

Sea Technology soon will need a new receptionist.

Luckily, I found him on KingofDeals.com

Who can donate a few dollars to help make this happen?

More "Morality"

2007-08-15T09:24:00.000-04:00

A few posts ago I laughed at this "Morality in Media" asshole, but now I am pissed. What is it exactly about a woman's breasts that are offensive? Does this guy not take his shirt off at the beach? I'm going to bet he does, and I'll also bet he doesn't find anything "indecent" or "obscene" about it. I want to find this guy and wave my breasts in his face.

And what the hell does Australia have to do with it? Here's a tip dude: in just about every country in the world except for like, Saudi Arabia, no one gives a shit about seeing breasts.

Ok. I'll give him that seeing Courtney Love naked is gross, but that's for entirely different reasons.

Also, who the hell ever considered the NY Post real news? Has he ever actually seen a copy of the Post, or did someone just warn him that there could be breasts in there...

The following is a statement by Robert Peters:

“It is no secret that the New York Post will stoop into the garbage pail now and then to attract ‘readers;’ but while this isn’t the first time a woman has appeared topless in the Post, it is to my knowledge the first time a half-page photograph of a topless woman has appeared in that paper two days in a row.

“Perhaps the explanation is as simple as, ‘As it already is in Australia so shall it be in New York, as soon as we can desensitize readers to that which once shocked and offended. If no one complained about celebrity Courtney Love sitting in her birthday suit, with breasts fully exposed except for a few beads, why should anyone complain about an advertisement for jeans depicting a bare breasted woman?’

“Perhaps the Post also wants to ensure that children whose parents have the Post delivered to their homes will receive a proper sex education.

“Thankfully, most mainstream newspapers still understand that there is a difference between a monthly magazine like Playboy, which for the most part is purchased by morally challenged adults who enjoy ‘erotic’ nudity along with leisure reading, and a daily newspaper which most people still purchase because they want to stay informed about what is happening in the world, nation, state and city.

“Since local TV news has become little more than ‘info-entertainment,’ the local newspaper is one of the few sources of state and local news. The N.Y. Post is also one of the few major city newspapers whose editorial and op-ed pages reflect politically and socially conservative points of view.

“Undoubtedly, nudity and other sexually provocative content in the Post will sell papers, just like the same content sells Playboy; but just as many Americans view Playboy with contempt, so many will come to view the Post, and they will read important news and alternative viewpoints elsewhere.”

Here's some indecent obscenity for you to put in your pipe and smoke: Go fuck yourself

Suck on That, Lions

2007-08-14T20:18:00.000-04:00

Maybe the nature shows are really just skewing things. Doesn't it always seem like the lion catches the poor zebra and eats the shit out of it in those shows? Well this seems like its just a bunch of random tourists on a safari, and they're just like, oh hey, check it out.......Holy CRAP! No they dIN'nt!

I totally don't believe this, but it seems real enough. I think the part where I just gave in to utter disbelief was when the crocodile jumped in.

Don't Order the Fish

2007-08-14T09:32:00.000-04:00

No wonder people keep getting sick from China's food products. Check out this sketchtastic e-mail:

DEAR SIRS,

WE OBTAIN YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS FROM THE BOSTON AND BRUSSEL SEAFOOD SHOW.

WE,ARE A MODERN SEAFOOD-PROCESSING FACTORY WITH ADVANCE EQUIPMENTS AND GOOD QUALITY-CONTROLLING SYSTEM.

NOW WE ARE PROCESSING:

1) PACIFIC COD FILLETS/LOINS/PORTIONS,SKINLESS, PBO

2) ATLANTIC COD FILLETS/LOINS/PORTIONS, SKINLESS,PBO

3) ALASKA POLLOCK FILLETS,SKINLESS,PBO/PBI

4) ATLANTIC OCEAN PERCH FILLETS, SKIN-ON,PBI

5) CHUM SALMON FILLETS,13COLOR UP, SKIN-ON OR DEEP SKINNED,OR 4OZ VACUUM

6) JAPANESE SCALLOP ADDUCTOR( IN JUNE)

IF YOU CAN FIND INTEREST,PLEASE KINDLY ADVISE YOUR DETAILS(SUCH AS: GLAZING,STPP,PACKING AND DESTINATION PORT,ETC).

SO THAT WE CAN MAKE YOU FIRM AND OUR MOST COMPETATIVE PRICE.

Please kindly reply to: info@chinabestgroup.com and food@online.ln.cn

Thanks and regards,

XU HONG LIANG

China Best Group

Best Foodstuff (Dalian) Co Ltd

20A-521,GANGWANG STREET,DALIAN CHINA

Tel:86-411-82646601Fax:86-411-82646682

Website:www.chinabestgroup.com

I know that their bad grammar and use of all caps doesn't necessarily mean their fish will poison me, but still. I am really really scared if anyone else who gets this e-mail actually responds

The Greatest Bounty Hunter Who Ever Lived

2007-08-13T23:37:00.000-04:00

I get a call last night around 7:00...what am I doing? Why, I'm home of course. But I was told to get my butt to GW, because there were two tickets to see Dog the Bounty Hunter on his speaking tour and it started at 7:30.

So we're in a lecture hall that looks basically like Gannett auditorium if you enlarged it slightly. And added a table out in the hallway that not only was selling bottled water and beer, but had a full rack of liquor for some unknown reason. I mean, I guess when I go to see the Dog, I do kind of want a scotch on the rocks.

After a few minutes of filing in (including the people dressed up with blond mullet wigs adorned with feathers, leather vests, handcuffs, and bottles of Windex with the label "Mace" taped on them and the people furiously reading their copies of "You Can Run, But You Can't Hide") the lights dim...too bad I didn't have a lighter. We did start up a bit of "woofing" to rachet up the mood.

Then, by the light of the camera flashes, it became clear that the Dog was hiding behind the podium. This was to ensure a dramatic entrance, so that when the lights came up and his signature theme song started blasting, he could leap up with his arms raised in a Nixon-esque victory pose.

He was in full Dog form, with his silver-studded cowboy boots, his shiny badge, his decorated mace holster, and, of course, his long, shining, perfectly waved mullet, soothing the crazed fanatic crowd with soft words about Jesus.

He told us the whole story about capturing the rapist in Mexico and then being screwed over by the Mexican police and government (is anyone really surprised?)

His story about his Mexican ordeal was a lot of him talking to the Lord: "I asked the Lord, 'Lord, what's up with this? You know I don't deserve this!' And the Lord said, 'Stop your whining!'" Apparently, Dog's mental Jesus is just as much of a bad ass as Dog himself.

There was a lot of talk about him being the greatest bounty hunter in the world. It could very well be true, since before his show came on I didn't even know bounty hunters were a real thing, I thought the industry was dominated by Bobba Fett. But he told a great story about a rival bounty hunter who was always giving him shit, and then he died. And Dog was talking about how the Bible says that jealousy is a canker in your heart or whatever, and he said, "I was really sorry for him when I heard that he died. I thought, I'm so sorry. So sorry that I was the best."

In fact, you know what he wants on his tombstone?

Here Lies the Greatest Bounty Hunter Who Ever Lived: His Name was "God" Spelled Backwards

So after a lot of telling us to be bad ass tough guys and to go with Christ, it was time for the Q & A portion of the evening. This was undoubtedly the best part. Not least because Beth brought her little self (along with her boobs) out for it.*

Some of the people who made a mad dash for the line behind the mic to ask questions were literally sobbing when they got up there, holding up their books for signatures and asking Dog and Beth what their favorite Bible verses are to pray for them. Some of the requests were kind of disturbing, like the lady who was terrified that her unborn baby was going to die and was begging them to pray for it. Others were just funny though, like the lady who asked them to "bless my Powerball ticket."

Another sobbing girl was asking for advice on how to achieve her lifelong dream of becoming a police officer, even though the police force here had turned her down for having a fused spine. I never realized this was a handicap. I like to think that it makes you made of steel.

Probably the best question though was: "Since you're the greatest bounty hunter in the world, why haven't they asked you to catch Osama bin Laden?" Their awesome answer?? "When they're ready for him to be caught they'll ask us."

Someone also asked why they live in Hawaii, and Beth answered, with a totally straight face, that basically there are too many pedophiles everywhere else. She said something like, "On the mainland, there are a lot of people who would do harm to children. You don't get people like that on the island." And then Dog was like, "Yeah, cause if you do, they don't get registered like here, they disappear!!" But he quickly added, "But not in a malicious way," so I don't know exactly what makes them disappear. Maybe pedophiles are allergic to sun and fun.

On the way out, we saw that they had SWEET t-shirts for sale. Had they not been $25 I totally would be wearing one right now. The best of them had this drawing of Dog, and behind him, kind of hovering over his shoulder, is Jesus. A seriously bad ass Jesus who looks like he's about to put the hurt on someone Old Testament-style.

*Dog also made a few cracks about her gazongas during the evening, including a tale of the first time he saw her after leaving Mexico: "And there, coming around the corner were the two, I mean the one thing I'd wanted to see more than anything in the world."

Restaurant Week

2007-08-12T20:06:00.000-04:00

The food was definitely very good at DC Coast, and the wine was really good too. The best part though was probably when the waiter told me that the longer he looked at me the younger I seemed to get until finally he had to check my ID. And he was like, just so you know, it's DC law that if the person looks under 30 you're supposed to card them. And then I couldn't stop giggling because Kenny easily squeaked by the guy's under30dar, but my giggling eventually got him carded too.

As for Georgia Brown's, it wasn't even a planned Restaurant Week trip, it was sort of an oh yeah, it's still Restaurant Week... I had the fried green tomato which was FANTASTIC, but then the fried chicken was just ok. The collard greens were gross, but I can't really blame that on them cause they're pretty much always gross.

The weirdest part about that meal though was that the mashed potatoes tasted exactly like KFC. It was uncanny. So much so that I wonder if that's the effect they were going for, cause it seems like you'd have to try in order to achieve something that weird.

Quail Forever

2007-08-10T13:55:00.000-04:00

You know that part in Wedding Crashers where Christopher Walken takes them quail hunting and Owen Wilson says, "I don't even know what the FUCK a quail is!!"

That's the kind of ignorance that Quail Forever is fighting against. If complete dorks with nothing better to do don't band together soon, the consequences could be dire. "If quail habitat continues to disappear, so will the quail…and along with it, quail hunting." Think about it. If there's no more quail hunting, what excuse will Dick Cheney have for shooting people in the face? He might just have to start hunting....you.

Quail Forever Marks Two-Year Anniversary
Over 90 QF chapters have formed in 26 states to lead the road to quail recovery

Saint Paul, Minn. – August 10, 2007 – Today, Quail Forever (QF) celebrates its second anniversary. In the two years since Pheasants Forever (PF) launched QF, over 90 QF chapters have formed in 26 different states, all focused on QF's mission – the conservation of quail and other wildlife populations.

"Young chapters are already initiating habitat projects and youth programs," said Jim Wooley, QF's Director of Field Operations. "Because QF chapters have responded well to QF's locally-driven model. These chapters and members are willing to work hard to raise funds and do the necessary habitat work, because they are able to see the results of that work in their own communities." Like PF, QF employs the unique model of empowering local chapters with 100 percent control of the chapters' locally-raised funds to complete habitat and youth education projects in the chapters' own communities.

But despite the early success of QF chapters, U.S. quail populations remain in trouble. If quail habitat continues to disappear, so will the quail…and along with it, quail hunting.

"Quail need troops, plain and simple," Wooley said, "The only way the plight of this great game bird will change is if enough people care enough to do something about it. Quail need your help."

Check out the website

Not only does Ben Streitz have f'in quail gang cred, but he makes a mean "Cherry Berry Pecan Blast" ....perhaps the secret ingredient is....quail?

FishRap

2007-08-09T15:31:00.000-04:00

We get a newsletter at work called "FishRap: The Leader in SoCal Fishing News."

I don't know why we get it.

I thought this quote was funny though:

"This whole last week has been great! We've had super warm, clear blue water between 68 and 72 degrees on the outside with tuna, dorado, yellows, marlin, etc. around. We fished the paddies until they wouldn't bite anymore, and then we jumped in the water with our spearguns and stuck the fish with 'lock-jaw' until we had our limits of dorado and yellowtail."

Something about that last part doesn't seem very sporting to me. Once the fish starting catching on and wouldn't take our lures anymore, we just jumped in the water and fucking speared the shit out of them.

And who said fishing was boring?

Speaking of fishing not being boring.....wtf
Some fisherman for this Price Chopper caught quite the prize. Geez.

I Thought Segregation went out with Brown vs. Board

2007-08-06T11:47:00.000-04:00

Imagine my surprise when I saw this ad on Facebook. The flash doesn't work on here, but it had been adding "and still get a degree" at the bottom.

There's a few strange things about this. Some of them are too obvious to even mention, but...

First off: Are they saying that players of these games are too stupid to get into real college? Or just that, while they might not be accepted in most of society, this place understands them and their fantasy ways?

Second, why is this ad on Facebook, where most users have already been to real college? Doesn't it have Myspace written ALL over it? (When I think of Myspace, I get horrible visions of those backgrounds that have fairies and elves dressed in Hot Topic-worthy attire, complete with accompanying death metal music, and things like "Aragorn" and "Nosferatu" listed under "Who I'd like to meet")

Update: Kenny pointed out something that probably should have been obvious, especially to one with knowledge of the /pizza option in Everquest. What the ad is really saying is that you don't even have to stop playing your online fantasy video games to get your degree. So, in other words, it's even sadder than I first thought.

Too obsessed with World of Warcraft to stop playing? Even to eat or to go to college?

Never fear!

Just type in "/college" in your toolbar! You won't even have to sign out of your game! You'll be Dr. Level 70 Night Elf Druid in no time!

Who Needs Disease Cures Anyway?

2007-07-25T21:39:00.000-04:00

It is all clear now. I understand why we still have AIDS and cancer in the world. ....The scientists have all been busy.

First, it was the study showing that people with fat friends turn out fat. I'm not saying it's not useful to know, but who's funding this study again?

And apparently the New England Journal of Medicine was on a roll, because they also published a story about the kitty grim reaper.

Supposedly, college students that have fake IDs drink more. No WAY!

Last, but certainly not least, you will soon be able to sign up to get phone calls from your plant, letting you know, in a quirky accent, that it is "thirsty."

To the Marriott!!

2007-07-23T10:08:00.000-04:00

Imagine my surprise when, opening a press release at work, I scroll down to see “Dorm Room Bang-A-Thon” (“We found the sweetest sluts…and screwed the decency out of them”). Funny as it is to imagine this guy sitting in his hotel room, furiously copying down the titles of all the pornos offered on the hotel's pay-per-view so he could be throughly disgruntled about it, this is exactly the kind of thing that makes me HATE AMERICA.

Other countries have their problems, sure, but the fact that we are the biggest bunch of prudes drives me f'in crazy. What possesses a person to specifically go and check to make sure that he can't possibly order porn? How about, if you don't want to order porn, you just don't? Why is that so hard to understand.

But it's not enough for him to not be exposed to porn, he hates the fact that anyone else might have the opportunity, so much so that he resorts to saying that it "contributes to the breakup of marriages, to prostitution, to sexual assaults against both children and adults, to the spread of sexually transmitted diseases and to the erosion of decency." I'd like to see the slightest proof of that. I'm sure that most guys I know have watched porn at some point, and you know what? As far as I know, most of them have never sexually assaulted anybody! I can say with near certainty that Paul watches porn daily, and yet, to my knowledge, he has never broken up a marriage, engaged in prostitution or sexual assault, or gotten an STD. As for the erosion of decency, that might be another story, but who wants to be "decent" anyway.

Now who wants to watch some Hot Sluts 4

An Open Letter from Morality in Media President Robert Peters to Marriott International CEO Bill Marriott: Get Rid of the Porn:

Dear Mr. Marriott:

Whenever possible, I avoid staying at Marriott Hotels, despite their quality and affordability, because Marriott Hotels is a major distributor of hardcore pornography on its pay-TV channels.

I realize that Marriott is not the only major hotel chain that distributes pay-TV pornography. Marriott is, however, the only major chain whose founder (your father) was honored by Morality in Media (see enclosed brochure) for his efforts to fight pornography.

Recently, however, I did stay at a Marriott while visiting family on Mother’s Day. My sister-in-law made the reservation for my wife and I without letting us know in advance where we would be staying.

I have been told (truthfully or otherwise) that hotels that are actually owned by your family do not carry pornography, and for that reason when I saw the large portrait of your father and you in the hotel lobby, I thought that perhaps this hotel was “family owned” and that there would be no in-room porn.

I was further encouraged when I checked the Hotel Resources book in our room under the topic “Movies, TV and Radio,” where I read: “If you’d like to watch a movie, we offer new releases in four categories: Comedy, Drama, Action and Adventure.” “Hallelujah,” I thought, “no porn!”

Right then (I had expected to write to you much sooner), I decided to thank you for not offering pornography in our hotel and to encourage you to adopt the same policy for all Marriott Hotels.

Before we checked out, however, I decided to make sure this was a “porn free” hotel by turning on the TV and clicking to Menu Options. Sadly, what I found was not only a link to “Hollywood Movies” but also to “Adults Only.” There was a “Must Be 18 To Enter” warning, but proof of age was not required to proceed and view film titles (with pictorial/written promotional material) like these:

“Reign of Tera 2” (“hardcore action”)
“Lesbian Secretary” (“hardcore”)
“Hardcore POV” (“This is hardcore point of view”)
“Rock Hard Porn: Young Sluts”
“100% Sex: Sophomore Sluts”
“Dorm Room Bang-A-Thon” (“We found the sweetest sluts…and screwed the decency out of them”)
“Crazy Campus Sluts”
“Hustlers Barely Legal #60”
“Hustlers Desperate House Tramps”
“Horny Housewife Auditions”
“All Sex: XXX fantasies” (“imagine your raunchiest, dirtiest, fantasies come to life”)

If you say you are not an arbiter of morals or of good taste and that you are just giving many of your customers what they want, you really should be ashamed of yourself.

You should also be aware that distribution of such materials, among other things, contributes to the breakup of marriages, to prostitution, to sexual assaults against both children and adults, to the spread of sexually transmitted diseases and to the erosion of decency.

You should also be aware that in the 1973 Miller v. California obscenity case the Supreme Court said that persons who traffic in materials that “depict or describe patently offensive ‘hard core’ sexual conduct” are “subject to prosecution for the sale or exposure of obscene materials.”

Morality in Media, among many others, is of the opinion that a criminal prosecution of a “mainstream” corporation that is in the business of distributing hardcore pornography is long overdue.

It is my earnest hope, however, that even after so many years of ignoring complaints about the sale of pornography in your hotels, you will yet do the right thing for your family, church and nation.

I would expect that any loss of customers who decide to stay elsewhere because they are addicted to pornography will be more than offset by the gain in customers who want to stay in nice but also pornography free hotels. Your own conscience should also rest much easier.

Sincerely,

Robert Peters, President of Morality in Media

New Book from that Swift Boat Asshole

2007-07-19T09:31:00.000-04:00

For some reason we are on this crazy conservative mailing list at work, and I get all kinds of e-mails about how people like Ted Kennedy want to persecute Christians by not letting them pursue their God-given right to hate fags, and things of that nature. Lately, they've been on about illegal immigrants and screaming about Bush trying to create AmeriCanadexico because he wants to grant amnesty and let a few hundred Mexican truck drivers ship in the U.S. I've gotten about a hundred e-mails about the following book, which is apparently #1 on some random website that is probably their own. Actually, you should go to it, it's hilarious. It's all "I Heart America" bumper stickers and there's this DVD:


	Harry Potter: Witchcraft Repackaged (DVD) Making Evil Look Innocent

I could be wrong about this, but I thought that the European Union has been pretty good for Europe, you know, making their currency worth a lot and making countries like Turkey desperate to get in.

And when this guy says that "at least two senators told him, face to face, they were unaware of developments taking place under the Security and Prosperity Partnership of North America," how much do you want to bet that when he accosted them like, Did you have any idea they're trying to dissolve America's sovereignty!!! and the senators said, what the fuck are you talking about? Who let this crazy bastard in here? he chalked that up to them telling him, face to face, that they were "unaware of developments."

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that some politicians don't need to start reading some books to learn about what our government is doing (or, perhaps, some Schoolhouse Rock?), but I'm gonna doubt they need to take the genius behind the Swift Boat Veteran's campaign's word for it.

"The Late Great USA" by Jerome Corsi, a new book being used to tell members of the U.S. Senate what the government is doing, is the best-seller for a fourth straight week at Shop.WND.com.

Using documents obtained under the Freedom of Information Act, Corsi has documented how the same plan used in Europe to implement the European Union may be at work in North America, with the sovereignty of the U.S. in the crosshairs.

The hard-hitting book already has been used by advocates of secure international borders to inform senators about what is going on.

William Gheen, president of Americans for Legal Immigration Political Action Committee, says he is working to mobilize citizens to flood Senate offices with copies of the book after at least two senators told him, face to face, they were unaware of developments taking place under the Security and Prosperity Partnership of North America.

That is an agreement the U.S. has with Canada and Mexico in which a broad range of government functions are being streamlined.

Critics of the effort say it is part of an incremental move toward a "North American Community." The Bush administration asserts the SPP "in no way, shape or form considers the creation of a European Union-like structure or a common currency."

Corsi's research shows the elites in Europe knew it would be necessary to conceal from the people there just what was being done in their name to create a European Union until it was too late to change the course of events.

In his new book, Corsi now shows how the benignly-named SPP, created at a meeting between President Bush, Paul Martin and Vicente Fox, is the same kind of regional integration plan that led Europe to form the EU.

The question then, he says, is whether the same thing could be happening now in North America.

He has set out a chilling view of America's possible "harmonized" future – one "being created covertly, without voter input or Congressional oversight."

"The Late Great U.S.A. is a real winner that sounds a clarion call to this nation. This book uncovers the careful deceptions of a powerful elite who want to undermine our sovereignty before we realize it. I consider this a must read for every American," said Hal Lindsey, best-selling author of "The Late Great Planet Earth."

"Dr. Corsi has 'connected the dots' between the Security and Prosperity Partnership, the sale of toll roads and other infrastructure to foreign companies, and proposals for a North American Union with open borders between Mexico, the U.S. and Canada. 'The Late Great U.S.A.' is an essential read for anyone concerned about the future independence and sovereignty of the United States," added Phyllis Schlafly, president of the Eagle Forum.

About Dr. Jerome R. Corsi:

Jerome R. Corsi received a Ph.D. from Harvard University in political science in 1972 and has written many books and articles, including co-authoring with John O'Neill the No. 1 New York Times best-seller, "Unfit for Command: Swift Boat Veterans Speak Out Against John Kerry." Corsi's most recent book was authored with Michael Evans: "Showdown with Nuclear Iran." Dr. Corsi's other recent books include "Black Gold
Stranglehold: The Myth of Scarcity and the Politics of Oil," which he co-authored with WND columnist Craig. R. Smith, and "Atomic Iran."

Chinese Villagers Eat Dinosaur Bones

2007-07-09T10:54:00.000-04:00

I think the title of this post says all that needs to be said.

Lesson One: Appeal to your Demographic

2007-07-08T20:00:00.000-04:00

Anyone else find it a little odd that McDonald's has a whole website dedicated to "blackness"? It's even called 365Black.com. I saw an ad for this on the metro and was unable to believe it until I went to the website myself.

Where is the Starbucks website celebrating Caucasianess?

Celebrating?

2007-07-02T10:19:00.000-04:00

Seriously....I don't know what these people are thinking when they send me e-mails:

"This week I’m having the pleasure of celebrating two birthdays - Canada Day, which is to commemorate the confederation of Upper and Lower Canada and some of the Maritime Provinces into the Dominion of Canada in 1867, and of course, our Independence Day. I hope all of you in the States will have a safe and fun time celebrating the independent spirit we Americans are so proud of!

Speaking of celebrating, imagine how patients with facial abnormalities must feel when they’re able to get back into the public thanks to facial prosthetics that look like the real thing. ... Also feeling quite confident are the growing numbers of women who are having high-risk pregnancies. Check out our story from Florida Hospital about the 23-year old quadriplegic who had a baby after she was paralyzed from the neck down."

ummmm??? When I think of celebrating the 4th of July, I don't usually think of people with facial abnormalities or quadriplegics giving birth.... Now I'm going to have some disturbing thoughts while I barbecue...

Transformers!

2007-06-29T17:03:00.000-04:00

WASHINGTON, June 29, 2007 - Under the cover of darkness in the nation's capital last night, servicemembers from all branches deployed into theater -- the movie theater.

About 600 military personnel and family members attended a sneak preview of "Transformers," the summer science fiction action-adventure film set for national release July 3.

Audience members cheered as virtuous Autobot transformers fought in concert with their U.S. military allies against the depraved Decepticons, while the clash between good and evil played out in stunning images and bone-rattling sound.

"That was without a doubt the best movie I have ever seen," Army Staff Sgt. Mario Youngblood, dressed in his combat uniform, said as he emerged wide-eyed from the theater. The soldier, who grew up watching the early animated version, said the film did justice to the "Generation 1" Transformers of his youth.

"Obviously, the military has never fought giant robots, and hopefully we never will. But the way this film is structured, if we ever had to do it, this is probably how we would do it," said Army Lt. Col Paul Sinor

Titicaca!!!

2007-06-29T12:07:00.000-04:00

Ummmmm......if you really want to know if prehistoric people could have made this boat, maybe you shouldn't mount the mast with a five-ton crane that's usually deploying drilling equipment or heavy-duty sediment vibracoring equipment....

Today, Aqua Survey is helping the German experimental arcaeologist Dominique Gorelitz and his crew prepare the Abora III to leave New York Harbor and sail to the Azores near the African coast and then on to Spain. The vessel was built entirely from reeds taken from Lake Titicaca in Bolivia by Aymara Indians in their traditional design.

Several weeks ago, Abora III and its crew arrived at Liberty Harbor Marina in Jersey City, NJ, the homeport for our 70-foot lift-boat, the R/V Robert E. Hayes. One of their first major tasks was to build and mount the mast for the Abora III. Using our five-ton crane aboard the R/V Hayes we were able to lend a hand. Our lift-boat's crane is usually put to work deploying drilling equipment or heavy-duty sediment vibracoring equipment.

So why the commotion? "There is growing evidence that before Columbus or the Vikings made their maiden voyages to the New World, people were regularly crossing the Atlantic to trade goods." How were Stone Age peoples able to make such transatlantic business trips and can a modern crew recreate this voyage using a boat constructed from a prehistoric design?

As my co-worker wisely put it: "People can't even make it from Cuba to Florida in boats like that..."

Woodland Wonders

2007-06-28T09:58:00.000-04:00

THE WOODLAND WONDERS, by Vera M. Roberts; ISBN 1-4251-0255-7; $13.57 US / $15.60 CDN / £7.80 / €11.14; Perfect bound; 114 pages

Wildlife adventure: A pet rabbit time travels, is fostered, leaves home, marries, separates and gains parental access rights. His friend protects him from the Farmer. Ideal for New National Curriculum 2008.

What are they planning on teaching kids in 2008??

Click the link for the full ridiculousness of this book's plot.

March of the Giant Penguins

2007-06-26T10:12:00.000-04:00

Fossils Reveal Early Penguins Reaching 5 Ft. Tall Lived Near the Equator During One of Earth’s Warmest Periods

What?? 5 feet tall? That's the size of most of Japan!

Hollywood's Hot New Diet!

2007-06-25T18:53:00.000-04:00

So I'm in line at the grocery store, and I see the cover of one of America's most popular magazines....Us Weekly. At first, I gave it my normal blank stare followed by possible slight interest (you can't really see it, but that picture of Jessica Simpson looking all fat nine weeks ago is great). But then I realized the true beauty of this cover.

Either the editors at US have no sense of irony, or they have a great sense of humor. Cause as soon as you're done learning about the fact that Hollywood's Hot New Diet helped Jessica lose 20 lbs in TWO MONTHS! and that it's so easy, you can do it too! you can look over and see Kelly Clarkson's confession: "I was bulimic."

Hmm....I wonder what that hot new diet that I'm supposed to try could be.....

Hobbies include: Grazing

2007-06-21T09:48:00.000-04:00

This was in my e-mail today. Apparently turning land into a national park will keep people from the fabulous recreational activities of rock collecting, grazing, and logging.

National Landscape Conservation System Land Grab Threatens The West

The NLCS Essentially Places A National Park Type Overlay Over Millions Of Acres Of BLM Land. Multiple-Use and private property will be eliminated or threatened.

The Babbitt National Landscape Conservation System (HR 2016) threatens:

-----Oil and Gas exploration;

-----Miners and mineral exploration;

-----Off-Highway Vehicle Use;

-----Convert Wilderness Study Areas into Wilderness;

-----All kinds of recreation like shooting, hunting and rock collecting;

-----Hunting for some is essential to their survival;

-----Sightseeing;

-----River rafting;

-----Grazing;

-----Forestry and logging;

-----Many more types of recreation.

Also, since when was "Sightseeing" prohibited in a national park?

The Baconater

2007-06-18T16:44:00.000-04:00

Wendy's must have gotten together for a corporate mission meeting and decided, "National obesity epidemic? We have got our business plan!" They decided that the triple cheeseburger wasn't good enough...they could do better, and they have. The soon-to-come heart attack on a bun, or "The Baconater," provides not only your daily value of two patties with cheese, but six, count 'em, 6, strips of bacon. This is what the website has to say:

Baconator

Six strips of hickory smoked bacon piled high atop two 1/4 lb. patties of fresh, never frozen, beef. Complete with two slices of American cheese, mayo and ketchup for a mountain of mouth-watering taste. Go on, obsess a little.

There are NO vegetables on that, not even a piece of iceberg lettuce or a god damn pickle. Unless you count the ketchup I guess. But does it really need MAYO?? For real.

But that wasn't even the craziest thing I saw. For one, the Ultimate Chicken Grill meal had a little icon next to it that said, "Now tastier!" ...What the hell does that mean??

And on my cup, I read this phrase, next to a little sun icon: "Today's salads didn't exist yesterday" .....?

I think the only answer here is that people in the product development wing of Wendy's corporate are smoking a lot of weed.

I Love/Hate Press Releases

2007-06-18T11:03:00.000-04:00

These were the titles of some press releases I just got, and they made me giggle because I am basically a 12 year old.

ABB Releases Asset Master

New Product from MEN Micro Inc.

Hella Marine Floodlights Turn Night Into Day

I may be childish, but at least I can turn unbelievably boring ocean technology press releases into thoughts of ass masters, small men, and So-Cal slang.

Who's Up for a Tomato Fight?

2007-06-14T10:15:00.000-04:00

After about 45,000 of those "Deal Alert" emails you get if you make the mistake of buying plane tickets online, I got this gem today:

"Bunol, Spain flights | hotels | cars
Grab a tomato and join the world's largest food fight at the Tomatina Festival in Bunol, Spain. Signaling the end of the growing season, the week starts with parades, fireworks, shopping, and street parties leading up to the main event. On the final Wednesday in August, 90,000 pounds of tomatoes arrive by the truckloads for an eager crowd. After a day of feasting and endless pitchers of Sangria, some drunk will climb a pole to remove a ham which signals go time. Tomato packed rockets burst into the air for a new take on shock and awe. Soon, everyone in throwing distance is covered in soggy, red goo. After the war has died down, friends and foes reconcile and march down to the river to de-sauce and party well into the night. "

Who's coming with me?